Before you can put your need for respect out there, though, you must decide exactly what respect is. There are some generalizations like politeness and protocol. Beyond that, each individual's needs differ . . . and change with circumstances and time. Exploring your own boundaries and knowing what is and is not acceptable to you is the first step. Then, you can begin the work of effectively communicating what respect means to you and just how you intend to make it a requirement of any relationship.
The question to ask yourself is, do I expect, demand or require respect?
Is there a difference? You bet! You can expect to receive all the respect you want to , it won't ensure that others comply. Likewise, you can demand it with raised voice or angry belligerance, or tears followed by the silent treatment. These and many other manipulative stategies may intimidate others (for the short term) to fall into line. Or, you can require respect much in the way my father did, by following through with consequences – unpleasant ones. Hey, if they weren't unpleasant, what would be the incentive. Stop what you're thinking! If like/love and caring were enough, then you'd already be getting the respect you want and we wouldn't be having this conversation.
Ah, but I don't have the authority in every situation., you might think. What if it's my boss that's disin' me?
Of course we have to be careful when unpleasant consequences could be returned to us; for example we could find ourselves looking for a new job. However, the formula for communicating and getting the respect you want is pretty much the same in all situations.
- Explain Once
- Remind Once
- Follow Through
REMIND ONCE ~ “I mentioned this before, and asked if you could refrain from such behavior in my company as it makes me extremely uncomfortable. If you do it again, I will leave and not return. No matter where we are, whom we might be with, or how much it may embarrass you.” Again, be prepared to avoid any argument that might start with a challenge that sounds something like, "Your a big talker."
FOLLOW THROUGH ~ Be prepared for the situation to repeat, because as yet there have been no unpleasant consequences. Have cab fair if you'll need it. Mentally walk through the steps of excusing yourself, leaving the table, leaving the restaurant, getting in your car or hailing a cab and leaving. It's okay to imagine dumping the pitcher of water over his/her head, just don't do it real life.
In the above scenario your dining partner is left there, likely dumbfounded, but knowing that you are more than just a big talker. Without the follow through you can expect or demand respect, but you cannot require it as a condition of the relationship.
An important aspect to remember is that you must mean what you say. Do not make hasty nor empty threats. If you do, when you fail to follow through on them you are teaching others that in reality there is no need to respect you.
And what of the possibility that ill consequences could be returned to you? You'll have to consider all of those carefully before you decide what you require. Clearly you wouldn't challenge a man brandishing a gun and demanding money, even though he is disrespecting your basic right to go unaccosted. You wouldn't challenge somebody, even a loved one, whom you suspect might harm you physically.
Think about your boundaries and your requirements for repspect before any situations arise. If you are still taken by surprise, resist the urge to say something before you think it through. You don't necessarily have to state you requirements for respect at the time, you can bring it up later. "Remember when you were giving the waitress a hard time in the restaurant last night . . . "
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You deserve it.
Would you like to learn more about requiring respect in your relationships?
