Do you have a sacred space? A place in your home, or in nature, that nourishes you? A place to relax? A place to feel safe and rested?
That was the question posed at a recent wellness gathering I attended. Many of the women, and the lone man, who sat in circle were practitioners in various fields of complimentary medicine; massage, Reike, relflexology, chakra balancing, and more. Not so long ago, these modalities were labeled alternative healing. Now that medical science has been able to prove their benefits when practiced together with our westernized concept of healing, they are more commonly referred to as complimentary treatment.
Most of those gathered smiled and nodded. Some shared descriptions of everything from personal altars, to designated rooms or garden corners tucked into their backyards where they could meditate undisturbed.
Some of the participants looked intimidated, out of their element until I offered up my sister's sacred space. She's not a big believer in complimentary medicine and if asked whether she had a sacred place she would likely scoff at the question. Yet every afternoon when the sun angles through the sliding glass doors on the south side of her kitchen, she sits at her breakfast bar, sipping coffee and reading a magazine. That is her bliss.
As soon as I shared, another woman told of her grandmother, who took a break every afternoon to sit at her kitchen table playing solitaire.
In my parent's later years, they sat on the porch swing of their lake home and watched the light of the sun reflecting in the water. After they passed, we sold their home. I so strongly felt their spirits were still there, watching the sparkling light on the water, that I spoke out loud, asking them to come home with me.
Their swing sits on my back porch now. Many summer days I watch the sun rise over the trees or set beyond my garden wall while swaying gently to and fro. It is but one of my many sacred places and is made more so when I feel my parents might be there with me.
Now, let me ask again? Do you have a sacred space that renews you?
Sunday, November 30
Wednesday, July 30
Older But Wiser
I'm sitting on the deck in the dark with my lap top. The mosquitoes are bitting, no make that feasting, on me. I should go in. I'm old enough to know better.
Ah, the rub. I'm also old enough to know that life not only comes at you fast, it keeps right on going and if you don't enjoy the moment, there's no guarantee it will come again.
I live in Wisconsin. Northern (very northern) Wisconsin. Warm July nights are to be treasured like a Queen's ransom.
The stars are coming out, the radio is playing "My Gal" and as it goes, I don't need no money, fortune or fame. At least not tonight.
Tomorrow will be a new day and a new story.
Spend your days with people who give you joy and do your best to give joy to the people you spend your days with. Never, never, never pass up an opportunity to tell your loved ones that you appreciate them - it could be your last chance to let them know.
Ah, the rub. I'm also old enough to know that life not only comes at you fast, it keeps right on going and if you don't enjoy the moment, there's no guarantee it will come again.
I live in Wisconsin. Northern (very northern) Wisconsin. Warm July nights are to be treasured like a Queen's ransom.
The stars are coming out, the radio is playing "My Gal" and as it goes, I don't need no money, fortune or fame. At least not tonight.
Tomorrow will be a new day and a new story.
Spend your days with people who give you joy and do your best to give joy to the people you spend your days with. Never, never, never pass up an opportunity to tell your loved ones that you appreciate them - it could be your last chance to let them know.
Sunday, July 27
So, This is Mid Life
Today I am enjoying a rare moment of peace in my otherwise busier-than-I’d-like life. It’s a pleasure to sip my morning coffee, catch up on my email and browse my favorite blogs. It's got me thinking on life as it is unfolding in these middle years.
I have been thrown so many fast balls in the last decade of my life that I would have to write a novel to cover them all. I just may do that one day, but apparently, today or any day in the foreseeable future isn’t the one.
In the past three years, my (second) husband and I have lost six immediate family members, two of those being a son and an almost son-in-law. I have stopped staying that things can’t get any worse, because life has shown me that it can always be worse.
Friends have asked me how I managed. Managed what? To keep living? To keep my sanity? To keep any sense of hope or joy? My answer is quite pragmatic. What choice do I have? I believe Shakespeare said it much better than I –
“To be, or not to be, that is the Question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the minde to sufferThe Slings and Arrowes of outragious Fortune,
Or to take Armes against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to dye, to sleepeNo more;
and by a sleepe, to say we endThe Heart-ake,
and the thousand Naturall shockesThat Flesh is heyre too?”
Despite any religious or moral convictions the truth is, living is a choice. Moreso how I choose to live this life with all its ups and downs, is my choice. I have thus far come through the assault of outrageous fortune a bit more solemn but a whole lot stronger, and still hopeful.
When this year’s calendar turned to January I began the new year with a plan. That may have been my first mistake. My father’s estate was settled and I knew what I was going to do with his gift to me. Finally, I was going to start living my dream. With the money from my parent's labors in life, I could pay off my mortgage, quit my day job and become a full time writer. The completion of my novel was so close I could feel the heft of it in my hands. My father, author of three published memoirs, would approve.
Then fickle fortune slapped me in the face again. My husband became severely ill and disabled. Oh, I’d still be able to pay the mortgage off (thank you Mom and Dad, for finding a way to take care of me even in your death), but far from retiring, I am now looking for full-time work that will offer medical benefits and (future – far in the future) retirement security.
So this is midlife.
I have been thrown so many fast balls in the last decade of my life that I would have to write a novel to cover them all. I just may do that one day, but apparently, today or any day in the foreseeable future isn’t the one.
In the past three years, my (second) husband and I have lost six immediate family members, two of those being a son and an almost son-in-law. I have stopped staying that things can’t get any worse, because life has shown me that it can always be worse.
Friends have asked me how I managed. Managed what? To keep living? To keep my sanity? To keep any sense of hope or joy? My answer is quite pragmatic. What choice do I have? I believe Shakespeare said it much better than I –
“To be, or not to be, that is the Question:
Whether 'tis Nobler in the minde to sufferThe Slings and Arrowes of outragious Fortune,
Or to take Armes against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them: to dye, to sleepeNo more;
and by a sleepe, to say we endThe Heart-ake,
and the thousand Naturall shockesThat Flesh is heyre too?”
Despite any religious or moral convictions the truth is, living is a choice. Moreso how I choose to live this life with all its ups and downs, is my choice. I have thus far come through the assault of outrageous fortune a bit more solemn but a whole lot stronger, and still hopeful.
When this year’s calendar turned to January I began the new year with a plan. That may have been my first mistake. My father’s estate was settled and I knew what I was going to do with his gift to me. Finally, I was going to start living my dream. With the money from my parent's labors in life, I could pay off my mortgage, quit my day job and become a full time writer. The completion of my novel was so close I could feel the heft of it in my hands. My father, author of three published memoirs, would approve.
Then fickle fortune slapped me in the face again. My husband became severely ill and disabled. Oh, I’d still be able to pay the mortgage off (thank you Mom and Dad, for finding a way to take care of me even in your death), but far from retiring, I am now looking for full-time work that will offer medical benefits and (future – far in the future) retirement security.
So this is midlife.
Sunday, March 30
Not Your Mother's Menopause
If your mother spoke of it at all, she likely whispered euphemisms in hushed tones. “I’m going through my change.” Of course, she wasn’t talking to you. More likely you overheard a tearful confidence she shared with a friend. Like menstruation, pregnancy, and childbirth, menopause was not a topic of polite conversation for our mothers or grandmothers. Women’s mysteries were just that, revealed only amongst closest friends behind closed doors.
That was then and this is now, but one thing remains as true for menopausal women today as it did for our mother’s and grandmothers—each woman experiences this life transition differently, from sailing through the physical and emotional changes, to struggling with a laundry list of maladies best described by Suzanne Somers as the “Seven Dwarves of Menopause—Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All Dried Up.” To that I would add the twins, Doubt and Dread. These twins are born from a loss of self confidence and an increasing fear of losing health and wellness.
If this life transition is proving difficult for you, beyond the question of whether or not to choose any form of hormone replacement therapy, you might do well to ask yourself what pre-conceived notions you have about menopause, where they originated and if they are helpful or harmful.
How did your mother react to her feminine life cycles in general? Was menstruation referred to as “the curse” in your home? Is your attitude regarding menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause positive or negative? The answer might have a lot to do with how you experience this right of feminine passage.
Centuries ago, women honored their life-cycles with celebration and reverence. Young girls eagerly awaited the time of their first blood, when they would be welcomed into the sisterhood of their tribe. Again, when they entered the realm of motherhood, their status in the community was elevated. But the most revered of all women in the tribe were those who lived to become Crones. In attending at births, healing the sick, and preparing the dead for burial, they were the conduit of life and death.
In today’s American culture, where youth and beauty are revered, a woman in her menopausal years might begin to feel she has outlived her usefulness. She may feel disregarded by society—quite the opposite of being revered for her experience and wisdom.
Menopause signals a transition into the next stage of your life. You can choose to see it as a liberating, opportunity for growth or an enemy to battle to the death. To paraphrase the lyrics of a great ‘80s song, if you tidy up your point of view and get yourself a new attitude . . . you can still be healthy, beautiful, and vibrant for years to come.
As long as you are living, there will be change. Like birthdays and old age, it’s better than the alternative, but it is important to remember that the symptoms of menopause are physical manifestations of underlying biological changes taking place in a woman's body - changes that impact not only our lives and lifestyle, but our physical health as well. What's a woman to do?
These ten steps can help ease you through the transition and keep you on the road to a long, healthy life.
1.First and foremost schedule an appointment with your doctor for a complete physical including all medical tests appropriate to your age. Pay special attention to bone density, cholesterol, and heart and circulatory health. Go over any menopausal symptoms you are experiencing. Together you and your doctor can decide if HRT is right for you.
2.Get adequate rest. If you are having trouble sleeping at night, try Yoga, Tai Chi or meditation (classes are available at private studios, health and fitness centers and most YMCA facilities). Practicing these relaxation methods helps improve sleep as well as lowering blood pressure and improving mental clarity.
3.Eat a healthy, nutritous diet including fresh fruit and vegetables, low fat protein and whole grain carbohydrates. Drink plenty of water. Reduce or eliminate caffeine which may increase hot flashes and night sweats. Also avoid refined sugar. Instead, if you need an energy boost, take a brisk walk or have a light protein snack - or both.
4.Take a quality vitamin supplement specifically for mature women. Omega -3 supplements and extra calcium may also be beneficial. Talk to your doctor before taking any supplements.
5.Incorporate moderate exercise into your daily routine. Walking is the easiest - no special equipment or gym membership needed. Be creative when working exercise into your life-plan. Gardening, dancing, playing games and chasing grandchildren all count! If you can’t manage 30 - 45 minutes once a day, try ten or fifteen minutes three times a day. Take the steps instead of the elevator, park your car at the end of the lot, walk the dog, or turn up the music and dance through your household chores.
6.Include both muscle-building and weight bearing exercise into your fitness regime. Increasing your muscle to fat ratio also increases your metabolism and helps you to maintain a healthy weight, arguably your best defense against developing metobolic syndrome. Weight bearing exercise (yoga, walking, low impact aerobics, etc.) is important for bone density.
7.Breathe. Most of us are shallow breathers, which contributes to stress and fatigue. Again, a Yoga class is an excellent place to learn deep breathing. (or search www.yogajournal.com for breathing). Practice deep breathing several times throughout your day (while your stuck in traffic is a great time) and you will begin to naturally breath deeper. You’ll also find that taking three deep breaths helps relieve both mental and physical stress.
8.Spend time in nature every day - after all, we are kith and kin. Unless the weather is threatening, getting outdoors will rejuvenate mind, body and spirit.
9.Spend time on yourself every day. What do you love? What feeds your soul? It might be one thing or many, just make sure you spend time every single day doing something you love. In my coaching practice, I find that this step is the first one most women will forgo in their busy days. To keep on track, make a list of activities and pastimes you enjoy and how much time each requires. Make sure your list includes things that take just a few minutes, sipping a cup of herbal tea or paging through a new magazine, along with more lingering indulgences, lunch with the girls, a trip to the antique mall, classes at a community college. Post the list where you will see it and vow to do one thing each day.
10. Spend time with friends every day. Whether by email, phone or in person, make that connection. A strong support network of friends adds years to your life and life to your years.
Remeber, every woman is different; that's what makes us all beautiful. See your doctor and discuss all aspects of your menopause and how it affects your individual health and lifestyle. Make your mid-life your best life yet!
That was then and this is now, but one thing remains as true for menopausal women today as it did for our mother’s and grandmothers—each woman experiences this life transition differently, from sailing through the physical and emotional changes, to struggling with a laundry list of maladies best described by Suzanne Somers as the “Seven Dwarves of Menopause—Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All Dried Up.” To that I would add the twins, Doubt and Dread. These twins are born from a loss of self confidence and an increasing fear of losing health and wellness.
If this life transition is proving difficult for you, beyond the question of whether or not to choose any form of hormone replacement therapy, you might do well to ask yourself what pre-conceived notions you have about menopause, where they originated and if they are helpful or harmful.
How did your mother react to her feminine life cycles in general? Was menstruation referred to as “the curse” in your home? Is your attitude regarding menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause positive or negative? The answer might have a lot to do with how you experience this right of feminine passage.
Centuries ago, women honored their life-cycles with celebration and reverence. Young girls eagerly awaited the time of their first blood, when they would be welcomed into the sisterhood of their tribe. Again, when they entered the realm of motherhood, their status in the community was elevated. But the most revered of all women in the tribe were those who lived to become Crones. In attending at births, healing the sick, and preparing the dead for burial, they were the conduit of life and death.
In today’s American culture, where youth and beauty are revered, a woman in her menopausal years might begin to feel she has outlived her usefulness. She may feel disregarded by society—quite the opposite of being revered for her experience and wisdom.
Menopause signals a transition into the next stage of your life. You can choose to see it as a liberating, opportunity for growth or an enemy to battle to the death. To paraphrase the lyrics of a great ‘80s song, if you tidy up your point of view and get yourself a new attitude . . . you can still be healthy, beautiful, and vibrant for years to come.
As long as you are living, there will be change. Like birthdays and old age, it’s better than the alternative, but it is important to remember that the symptoms of menopause are physical manifestations of underlying biological changes taking place in a woman's body - changes that impact not only our lives and lifestyle, but our physical health as well. What's a woman to do?
These ten steps can help ease you through the transition and keep you on the road to a long, healthy life.
1.First and foremost schedule an appointment with your doctor for a complete physical including all medical tests appropriate to your age. Pay special attention to bone density, cholesterol, and heart and circulatory health. Go over any menopausal symptoms you are experiencing. Together you and your doctor can decide if HRT is right for you.
2.Get adequate rest. If you are having trouble sleeping at night, try Yoga, Tai Chi or meditation (classes are available at private studios, health and fitness centers and most YMCA facilities). Practicing these relaxation methods helps improve sleep as well as lowering blood pressure and improving mental clarity.
3.Eat a healthy, nutritous diet including fresh fruit and vegetables, low fat protein and whole grain carbohydrates. Drink plenty of water. Reduce or eliminate caffeine which may increase hot flashes and night sweats. Also avoid refined sugar. Instead, if you need an energy boost, take a brisk walk or have a light protein snack - or both.
4.Take a quality vitamin supplement specifically for mature women. Omega -3 supplements and extra calcium may also be beneficial. Talk to your doctor before taking any supplements.
5.Incorporate moderate exercise into your daily routine. Walking is the easiest - no special equipment or gym membership needed. Be creative when working exercise into your life-plan. Gardening, dancing, playing games and chasing grandchildren all count! If you can’t manage 30 - 45 minutes once a day, try ten or fifteen minutes three times a day. Take the steps instead of the elevator, park your car at the end of the lot, walk the dog, or turn up the music and dance through your household chores.
6.Include both muscle-building and weight bearing exercise into your fitness regime. Increasing your muscle to fat ratio also increases your metabolism and helps you to maintain a healthy weight, arguably your best defense against developing metobolic syndrome. Weight bearing exercise (yoga, walking, low impact aerobics, etc.) is important for bone density.
7.Breathe. Most of us are shallow breathers, which contributes to stress and fatigue. Again, a Yoga class is an excellent place to learn deep breathing. (or search www.yogajournal.com for breathing). Practice deep breathing several times throughout your day (while your stuck in traffic is a great time) and you will begin to naturally breath deeper. You’ll also find that taking three deep breaths helps relieve both mental and physical stress.
8.Spend time in nature every day - after all, we are kith and kin. Unless the weather is threatening, getting outdoors will rejuvenate mind, body and spirit.
9.Spend time on yourself every day. What do you love? What feeds your soul? It might be one thing or many, just make sure you spend time every single day doing something you love. In my coaching practice, I find that this step is the first one most women will forgo in their busy days. To keep on track, make a list of activities and pastimes you enjoy and how much time each requires. Make sure your list includes things that take just a few minutes, sipping a cup of herbal tea or paging through a new magazine, along with more lingering indulgences, lunch with the girls, a trip to the antique mall, classes at a community college. Post the list where you will see it and vow to do one thing each day.
10. Spend time with friends every day. Whether by email, phone or in person, make that connection. A strong support network of friends adds years to your life and life to your years.
Remeber, every woman is different; that's what makes us all beautiful. See your doctor and discuss all aspects of your menopause and how it affects your individual health and lifestyle. Make your mid-life your best life yet!
Thursday, December 6
SELF LIMITING BELIEFS
In my coaching practice I have often used the analogy that if your life's dream is to dance the ballet, but you have become somehow physically disabled or confined to a wheelchair, you might want to recraft your dream, finding something that evokes the sames feelings and results as dancing.
Now I have a new analogy, the one I will tell about how this video defined my own self limiting beliefs and transformed me as a coach. I was't paying close enough to my own mantra, Dream It - Believe It - Achieve It. I felt that it would be wrong of me to encourage certain clients to pursue a seemingly impossible dream. I won't make that mistake again.
These two inspirational dancers are a perfect illustration of not conforming to the accepted norm, of charting a new course that will take them to their dream. They have proven that the ballet is just as beautiful and can evoke great depths of emotion in the their audience, regardless of what most might see as insurmountable limitations.
This video is my gift to you for the season. I hope you enjoy the lovely, moving performance as much as I did.
At a time of year, when we are bombarded with media stories about the stress that comes wrapped up in the holiday package, I urge you to tune out that defeating message. Instead why not believe that the holidays hold great joy and contentment for you and your loved ones. Perhaps if you believe it, it will be so.
So, however you celebrate the holidays, I wish you the best ever!
Tuesday, July 31
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIVING WELL BLOG
For those of you who have been with me for a while and missing the regular newsletter that just showed up in your email and was easy to understand and navigate, take heart ~ I will be returning to that format (after some changes at Constant Contact - the service that maintains my list and sends the newsletter format).
In the meantime, here are some instructions to help
you navigte around Blog Spot.
If at any time you accidentally navigate away from this page,
just click the back button/arrow on your browser.
See the dark blue bar at the top of the screen? (okay, you probably have to scroll up for that - sorry). If you are looking for a blog on a particular subject, or know the name of the blog (by the way blog is slang for web log) but can't remember the www , type your search term in the white box and click on Search. DON'T DO IT NOW, unless you want to leave this page.
Next is the Flag Blog. If you let your mouse pointer hover over that button, you'll see that it allows you to report objectionable content.
Next Blog will take you to the next blogger site at Blog Spot. I don't know who/what that might be - I think they are listed alphabetically.
Create Blog. Want to set up your own blog and start posting articles? Be sure to include me in your mailing list if you do!
Sign In. If you've created a blog site of your own, this is where you sign in to write and manage your posts.
Now take a look at the bottom of this page where you see in small print "Posted by Judith" followed by a time. As long as you are reading the Living Well blog, you'll see my name there.
Next to that is Comments. If you hover your mouse pointer, you will see that it is a link. Click on it if you'd like to leave a comment that I and others can read. Please do leave me comments. I'm very interested in your opinions and feelings.
To the right of the comment link, is a little picture of an envelope. You can click on that to forward this blog post to your friends. Please do forward to all of your friends who might be interested. I am trying to reach a mailing list of 250 subscribers for the Living Well Newsletter.
Click on Older Posts to take you backwards one post at a time.
Now this part is a little tricky and some of you have mentioned that you can't figure it out. To Subscribe to posts, hover your mouse pointer over Posts (atom). Don't ask me what the atom means. If anybody out there knows, clue me in. When you click on it, you will be able to subscribe to a feed that goes to your "favorites."
Remember favorites or frequently visited sites? That's the sites you bookmark to visit again. If you're using Internet Explorer ( I can only guess that Netscape Navigator must be similar) you can either click on Favorites in the tool bar at the top of the page, or you might have a little star icon for the same purpose. When you click, you'll get a drop down menu of your favorite sites.
Go ahead and do that now. Besides the list of your favorite sites, you should also see Feeds and History. When you subscibe to this blog, you will be able to check the feed by clicking on the button. You'll get another drop down menu that will show Living Well ~ body, mind, spirit (and any other feeds you may have subscribed to). Hover over the title and a little yellow box will tell you the number of new posts since you last visited the Living Well Blog. If it says "0" try clicking on the "refresh" sign (two green arrows) at the right. New posts are automatically updated every day, but if I posted something in less than 24 hours since your last visit - it will show up when you click the green arrows. If you want to read the new posts, just click on the title and "Shazam!" You'll be whisked to the Living Well Blog site.
What about all the stuff on the left side of the page? Well, first there is a summary of my profile. If you want to read more about me (not much more) you can click on View my complete profile. Below that is the list of archived posts. I think there is a bit of overkill here, but . . .
The first listing shows the number of posts for the current year. Below that is the number of posts for the current week. Below that is the most recent post - this one shows a title. As you moved down the line, there are previous weeks, then previous years. If you click on 2006, for instance, you will get a page that displays all the posts for 2006. All you have to do to read them is scroll down.
That concludes the tour of the Living Well Blog page. Hope you enjoyed your visit. Please come again soon and tell all of your friends to check it out too. (Uh, can you tell I work part time in museum that offers guided tours?)
GET THE DEBT OUTA HERE!
Welcome to the ALL NEW Living Well!
What’s new about it? I am celebrating the completion of requirements and testing for certification with the Spenser Institute and N.E.S.T.A. Spencer Institute has been granted full board professional accreditation & certification by the American Association of Drugless Practitioners. Officially, I am a Life Strategies Coach with a Health & Wellness Designation.
What else is new? A stronger than ever conviction that a big part of wellness in today’s society includes financial health. In future newsletters, you’ll be hearing more about gaining control of your money, instead of letting money control your life. In the meantime, learn how you can jump start your journey to financial wellness right now through paying down your debt and enjoying financial freedom!
What’s new about it? I am celebrating the completion of requirements and testing for certification with the Spenser Institute and N.E.S.T.A. Spencer Institute has been granted full board professional accreditation & certification by the American Association of Drugless Practitioners. Officially, I am a Life Strategies Coach with a Health & Wellness Designation.
What else is new? A stronger than ever conviction that a big part of wellness in today’s society includes financial health. In future newsletters, you’ll be hearing more about gaining control of your money, instead of letting money control your life. In the meantime, learn how you can jump start your journey to financial wellness right now through paying down your debt and enjoying financial freedom!
To read this complete posting, visit
Saturday, July 21
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM FOR ME
My sister has taken the first small steps to living her dream and I'm so proud of her I could bust. Earlier this month she opened Annabelle's Garden, selling home and garden decor. She says it's only a stall in a local cooperative of artisans, crafters and antique dealers, but it's a fine beginning with the potential to grow as big as her dreams allow.
Her little space in a renovated feed mill is artfully arranged with what we like to call found treasures -- some gently used, some new, all beautiful to look at. This is a dream we share, the one we have talked about for years. It was born in us from our mother, Queen of the Fixer Uppers, and our father, King of the Gypsy Peddlers. It is the life they should have lived. Instead they raised us and our brothers, putting a roof over our heads, food on the table and these dreams in our hearts. So this is for Mom & Dad, but even more it’s for us, because we've learned that time is always too short if you put your dreams on hold, but it's never too late to start if you will only believe in yourself.
So how did my sister get where she is? She might not know it, but she began seeding her dream a while ago and it's been growing all along. It began with her meticulous habit of keeping the things she loved but no longer used . . . in her attic, in her basement, in her garage. One might have accused her of being a pac-rat, but her vision was a different one.
She moved the dream along a bit by encouraging a neighbor and friend to follow her own heart's desire - buying an abandoned feed mill and turning it into a co-op with a home accessory retail store as it's anchor. She could have been envious of her friend's plans and progress, but instead she was a constant cheerleader. Because of that, when the time was finally right, there was a little stall waiting for my sister's lovely treasures.
Finally, she unashamedly embraces her passion for home and garden decorating. Together we never have more fun than when we are planning the next design project for each other's homes. Watching everything on the Home & Garden Channel, devouring decorating magazines, haunting the flea markets, thrift stores, department stores and home decor shops until everything is just right. We've spent hours getting the Christmas decorations on a fireplace mantle exactly the way we want them, or matching a shade of dusty turquoise paint to the color we've seen only in our mind's eye. Sure, other's might think we're crazy, but it's just another brick in the path of many that led to the opening of Annabelle's Garden.
Congratulations Sis! You did it!
Her little space in a renovated feed mill is artfully arranged with what we like to call found treasures -- some gently used, some new, all beautiful to look at. This is a dream we share, the one we have talked about for years. It was born in us from our mother, Queen of the Fixer Uppers, and our father, King of the Gypsy Peddlers. It is the life they should have lived. Instead they raised us and our brothers, putting a roof over our heads, food on the table and these dreams in our hearts. So this is for Mom & Dad, but even more it’s for us, because we've learned that time is always too short if you put your dreams on hold, but it's never too late to start if you will only believe in yourself.
So how did my sister get where she is? She might not know it, but she began seeding her dream a while ago and it's been growing all along. It began with her meticulous habit of keeping the things she loved but no longer used . . . in her attic, in her basement, in her garage. One might have accused her of being a pac-rat, but her vision was a different one.
She moved the dream along a bit by encouraging a neighbor and friend to follow her own heart's desire - buying an abandoned feed mill and turning it into a co-op with a home accessory retail store as it's anchor. She could have been envious of her friend's plans and progress, but instead she was a constant cheerleader. Because of that, when the time was finally right, there was a little stall waiting for my sister's lovely treasures.
Finally, she unashamedly embraces her passion for home and garden decorating. Together we never have more fun than when we are planning the next design project for each other's homes. Watching everything on the Home & Garden Channel, devouring decorating magazines, haunting the flea markets, thrift stores, department stores and home decor shops until everything is just right. We've spent hours getting the Christmas decorations on a fireplace mantle exactly the way we want them, or matching a shade of dusty turquoise paint to the color we've seen only in our mind's eye. Sure, other's might think we're crazy, but it's just another brick in the path of many that led to the opening of Annabelle's Garden.
Congratulations Sis! You did it!
Thoughts become words.
Words become action.
Action becomes habit.
Habit becomes your life.
Think Good Thoughts.
Live A Good Life.
Do you need some good stratgies for achieving your goals and living your dreams? Visit www.livingwellcoach.com
Tuesday, July 3
LEMONADE
WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU LEMONS
We are grateful for the outpouring of sympathy, compassion and shoulders to cry on. Without the care and comfort of family and friends during this time, I can't imagine how my husband and I would have kept our sanity (and have we? I'm not sure). Though it feels like our world has ended, it continues to turn and times goes on.
Family and friends remain kind and caring, but as the circle of aquaintance widens, the compassion lessens. We have no choice but to return to "normal" every day life, though our lives are so far from normal as to seem like we're walking on the moon. We go to work, we buy groceries, we shop for necessities, we attend high school graduations and family picnics. We make it look like nothing has changed, and yet, everything has changed, nothing will ever be the same.
Every day brings reminders - a car that looks just like his, a young man with a goatee and the same casual stride. Grandchildren that fill the house with joy and laughter, like music - but always underscored with the sorrow of knowing that there will be no grandchildren from Chad. Not just a life, but a lifetime lost in one tragic moment. Punishment far too harsh for the crimes of youthful folly.
A few years back a sister coach suffered through another episode of the precise challenge on which she built her coaching specialty. "Enough with the experience, already!" she lamented. I say the same - "Enough with the profound grief. I get it."
Though I did not give birth to Chad, though I didn't hold him when he cried as a baby, though I wasn't there for those early years, though people will point out he is only my step-son, there was a bond between us, a meeting of minds and creative spirit not always understood by those we love and who love us in return. In Chad I found a son, so much like the brother I lost 32 years ago. When I think of them both now, I am reminded of the lyric from Starry Starry Night -"This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."
My grief is deeper than any I've ever known, but it does not touch the depth of sorrow that my husband is suffering. This alone weaves another thread into the fabric of my shroud. Still, together we keep putting one foot in front of the other, we keep putting on the masks we must wear at work, in the grocery store and on the street. As a coach, I know that this is the best thing to do right now. In time - a long time - the masks won't seem so grotesque, the smiles won't seem so out of sync with the feelings. In time the sorrow will find a place deep within us, rising to the surface less and less frequently. When it erupts, it will be every bit as devasting as it was the night the call came, every bit as heartbreaking as it is the 100 times a day his father and I think of him now, it just won't linger as long.
The Living Well website will stay "up", but at this time I will not be offering coaching for overcoming grief - I simply have to remove myself from that community of sorrow for now - or risk complete overload.
In the meantime, I am considering new possibilities and formulating a coaching practice built on happiness. I'll keep stirring the lemonade, and adding sweetner - we'll see what we get.
I think we all know the rest of that adage. I'm making lemonade at Living Well. When I serve up the final brew, it may not be what anyone expects - least of all me.
Once more it's been far too long since I've been in contact, and yet again, though I'm sure many of you will find this almost unbelievable, there has been another death in the family. On March 24, sometime around 4 AM, I picked up the ringing phone and found myself on the end of that one call no parent ever wants to receive. My husband's 27 year old son was killed in a tragic car accident.We are grateful for the outpouring of sympathy, compassion and shoulders to cry on. Without the care and comfort of family and friends during this time, I can't imagine how my husband and I would have kept our sanity (and have we? I'm not sure). Though it feels like our world has ended, it continues to turn and times goes on.
Family and friends remain kind and caring, but as the circle of aquaintance widens, the compassion lessens. We have no choice but to return to "normal" every day life, though our lives are so far from normal as to seem like we're walking on the moon. We go to work, we buy groceries, we shop for necessities, we attend high school graduations and family picnics. We make it look like nothing has changed, and yet, everything has changed, nothing will ever be the same.
Every day brings reminders - a car that looks just like his, a young man with a goatee and the same casual stride. Grandchildren that fill the house with joy and laughter, like music - but always underscored with the sorrow of knowing that there will be no grandchildren from Chad. Not just a life, but a lifetime lost in one tragic moment. Punishment far too harsh for the crimes of youthful folly.
A few years back a sister coach suffered through another episode of the precise challenge on which she built her coaching specialty. "Enough with the experience, already!" she lamented. I say the same - "Enough with the profound grief. I get it."
Though I did not give birth to Chad, though I didn't hold him when he cried as a baby, though I wasn't there for those early years, though people will point out he is only my step-son, there was a bond between us, a meeting of minds and creative spirit not always understood by those we love and who love us in return. In Chad I found a son, so much like the brother I lost 32 years ago. When I think of them both now, I am reminded of the lyric from Starry Starry Night -"This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."
My grief is deeper than any I've ever known, but it does not touch the depth of sorrow that my husband is suffering. This alone weaves another thread into the fabric of my shroud. Still, together we keep putting one foot in front of the other, we keep putting on the masks we must wear at work, in the grocery store and on the street. As a coach, I know that this is the best thing to do right now. In time - a long time - the masks won't seem so grotesque, the smiles won't seem so out of sync with the feelings. In time the sorrow will find a place deep within us, rising to the surface less and less frequently. When it erupts, it will be every bit as devasting as it was the night the call came, every bit as heartbreaking as it is the 100 times a day his father and I think of him now, it just won't linger as long.
The Living Well website will stay "up", but at this time I will not be offering coaching for overcoming grief - I simply have to remove myself from that community of sorrow for now - or risk complete overload.
In the meantime, I am considering new possibilities and formulating a coaching practice built on happiness. I'll keep stirring the lemonade, and adding sweetner - we'll see what we get.
Thursday, November 9
IN FOR THE LONG HAUL
My daughter just gave birth to her first child, my third grandchild. Through-out her pregnancy she was frustrated by her fluctuating hormones and the havoc they caused. One day, as she was complaining about being bloated, feeling tired and forgetful, being too hot for comfort and being just plain irritable, I could only say, “ Me too!”
How ironic is it, that in the early stages of peri-menopause (don’t you just love these diagnosis?) I would be suffering all the same symptoms as my pregnant daughter? I want to tell whomever is in control of such things that it’s okay – really, I don’t feel that badly about nearing the end of my child-bearing years. It’s not like being told that I can never have chocolate again and wanting just one last taste.
In the words of one country music star “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.”
Navigating the middle years of your life can be difficult. It isn’t only the physical changes we have to take into stride, but the challenges of a life very different from our mothers’. Our world is turning at faster pace, we have jobs outside of our homes and yet are still responsible for the majority of housework and family care. It’s more common to still be raising young children and 14% of us are raising our grandchildren. In many ways our lifestyle offers more options than a generation ago, but in other ways we are at a disadvantage.
Pregnancy gave my daughter permission to take it easy, not over-do it, get some rest. If the challenges of mid-life cause a woman to feel pretty much the same way, why do we insist on trying to tough it out, hang in there and work even harder? Do we have something to prove? Are we trying to eradicate the “weaker sex” stereotype at the expense of our well being? Or worse, are we afraid that if we slow down now, we’ll never make it for the long haul?
I’m not suggesting it’s time to pull on the orthopedic hose, put our feet up and rock our way into senility. On the contrary, I am committed to staying strong and healthy, looking my best and keeping a youthful attitude. But knowing and honoring limitations can go a long way toward navigating this complicated life transition with a sense of serenity. Who knows, it may even be the best way to find that second wind for the next 40 years and beyond.
Take a look at your life. (1) Where could you use some help? Appoint someone to do the dishes, the vacuuming or the laundry. Find somebody who can run your errands. Make sure you get the help you need, even if it means paying for it. (2) How could you give yourself a break? Let some of your obligations go. The PTA, the Friends of the Library or some other volunteer group can do without you for a while. Your kids and/or your husband can fend for themselves one night a week - peanut butter and jelly won't kill them. Better yet, let them fend for you. PB&J can be a feast when you don't have to prepare it, serve it or clean it up. (3) When can you indulge yourself? Take a walk in nature, sit in a lawnchair and watch the sun set or go to a great restaurant and share a rich dessert with a friend (you'll know she's a good friend when she's willing to share the calories).
Honor this time of transition with a healthy dose of self love. Three simple things, done once each week could be just the pick-me-up you need feel and look your best. Oh, and little bit of chocolate every day wouldn't hurt.
How ironic is it, that in the early stages of peri-menopause (don’t you just love these diagnosis?) I would be suffering all the same symptoms as my pregnant daughter? I want to tell whomever is in control of such things that it’s okay – really, I don’t feel that badly about nearing the end of my child-bearing years. It’s not like being told that I can never have chocolate again and wanting just one last taste.
In the words of one country music star “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.”
Navigating the middle years of your life can be difficult. It isn’t only the physical changes we have to take into stride, but the challenges of a life very different from our mothers’. Our world is turning at faster pace, we have jobs outside of our homes and yet are still responsible for the majority of housework and family care. It’s more common to still be raising young children and 14% of us are raising our grandchildren. In many ways our lifestyle offers more options than a generation ago, but in other ways we are at a disadvantage.
Pregnancy gave my daughter permission to take it easy, not over-do it, get some rest. If the challenges of mid-life cause a woman to feel pretty much the same way, why do we insist on trying to tough it out, hang in there and work even harder? Do we have something to prove? Are we trying to eradicate the “weaker sex” stereotype at the expense of our well being? Or worse, are we afraid that if we slow down now, we’ll never make it for the long haul?
I’m not suggesting it’s time to pull on the orthopedic hose, put our feet up and rock our way into senility. On the contrary, I am committed to staying strong and healthy, looking my best and keeping a youthful attitude. But knowing and honoring limitations can go a long way toward navigating this complicated life transition with a sense of serenity. Who knows, it may even be the best way to find that second wind for the next 40 years and beyond.
Take a look at your life. (1) Where could you use some help? Appoint someone to do the dishes, the vacuuming or the laundry. Find somebody who can run your errands. Make sure you get the help you need, even if it means paying for it. (2) How could you give yourself a break? Let some of your obligations go. The PTA, the Friends of the Library or some other volunteer group can do without you for a while. Your kids and/or your husband can fend for themselves one night a week - peanut butter and jelly won't kill them. Better yet, let them fend for you. PB&J can be a feast when you don't have to prepare it, serve it or clean it up. (3) When can you indulge yourself? Take a walk in nature, sit in a lawnchair and watch the sun set or go to a great restaurant and share a rich dessert with a friend (you'll know she's a good friend when she's willing to share the calories).
Honor this time of transition with a healthy dose of self love. Three simple things, done once each week could be just the pick-me-up you need feel and look your best. Oh, and little bit of chocolate every day wouldn't hurt.
HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR TIME?
Finding balance when it comes to your financial health and well being can be – well, a real balancing act. When striving to settle into a happy medium between what you need and what you want, there is always that pesky factor of how much you earn and how much you spend, or save, as the case may be.
With credit card debt and bankruptcy on the rise, it seems that too many of us aren’t being realistic about what we can afford to spend on the things we want. If you’re spending more than you earn (translate: you are carrying credit card debt from month to month and never see a zero balance on your statements) you may be heading for big trouble.
Learning to live within one’s means can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Just stop thinking in terms of dollar amounts and start thinking in terms of self expenditure. Get your pencils out – we’re going to work a few math problems.
First, add up all of the income in your household. You can do this in two ways: Use the adjusted gross income figure from your most recent tax return, or add up the hourly wage of all wage earners who also contribute to living expenses (in other words, don’t count the income of kids or adults who don’t pay bills). I prefer the adjusted gross income because it will give a much more accurate picture of what you really have to work with. Divide your number by 52 – the number of weeks in a year.
Now add up the number of hours everybody works in one week. Divide the previous amount by the number of hours worked. The result is your household hourly wage.
Here’s an example: John Q. Office and his wife Suzy show an adjusted gross income of $52,895.00. John works a typical 40 hour week, but Suzy works part time with flexible hours and averages about 18 hours a week. However, she is also self employed as a bookkeeper and puts in approximately 10 more hours a week keeping her clients’ books. Their total weekly hours are 68. Their adjusted gross income, when divided by 52, totals 1017.00 (rounded). Their combined hourly wage based on the money they actually take home is about $15 an hour (1017 divided by 68). Remember, this may not reflect their actual hourly wages and may not be 100% accurate, but it is a good indicator of their work to earnings ratio.
You may not fit the picture of traditional wage earner(s). Maybe there is income flowing into your household that for any number of reasons, isn't reportable (such as child support). Maybe yours isn't a 40-hour week. Maybe you have the ability to work overtime for extra income. Just do the math - figure out what is coming into the household and how many hours you and others are working.
So, once you have your hourly "wage" what does it have to do with thinking in terms of self expenditure rather than money? That’s easy. Spending money takes on a whole new energy when you start to think of it as spending time at work. Think about paying for a large purchase, say, something that costs you over $100. Maybe you have the cash on hand or maybe you put it on a credit card and pay it off in 3 or four payments.
Instead imagine that when the total is rung up on the cash register, what you see isn’t a dollar amount but the number of hours you worked (or, worse, will have to work) to pay for your purchase. Your $100 item is going to cost you almost seven hours of work. In history, they called this servitude, slavery and bondage. Ouch!
Okay, it’s not that bad – after all, under this system you are in servitude to yourself, and therein lays the beauty – you have the power to determine how much of your time and self you will expend to have the things you want. Maybe that seven hours is worth the pleasure and or convenience you will receive in return. Or maybe, if you calculate that a new wide screen, flat panel television is going to cost you 165 hours of work, you might find yourself thinking that your favorite shows look pretty darn good on your old 27 inch model. If you or your spouse have to work overtime (translate: spend additional hours away from the family), do you really still want to buy those black leather italian boots?
If the desire to accumulate new and better stuff in the pursuit of happiness is just human nature, how can you know when enough is enough? Just ask yourself how you want to spend your time.
With credit card debt and bankruptcy on the rise, it seems that too many of us aren’t being realistic about what we can afford to spend on the things we want. If you’re spending more than you earn (translate: you are carrying credit card debt from month to month and never see a zero balance on your statements) you may be heading for big trouble.
Learning to live within one’s means can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Just stop thinking in terms of dollar amounts and start thinking in terms of self expenditure. Get your pencils out – we’re going to work a few math problems.
First, add up all of the income in your household. You can do this in two ways: Use the adjusted gross income figure from your most recent tax return, or add up the hourly wage of all wage earners who also contribute to living expenses (in other words, don’t count the income of kids or adults who don’t pay bills). I prefer the adjusted gross income because it will give a much more accurate picture of what you really have to work with. Divide your number by 52 – the number of weeks in a year.
Now add up the number of hours everybody works in one week. Divide the previous amount by the number of hours worked. The result is your household hourly wage.
Here’s an example: John Q. Office and his wife Suzy show an adjusted gross income of $52,895.00. John works a typical 40 hour week, but Suzy works part time with flexible hours and averages about 18 hours a week. However, she is also self employed as a bookkeeper and puts in approximately 10 more hours a week keeping her clients’ books. Their total weekly hours are 68. Their adjusted gross income, when divided by 52, totals 1017.00 (rounded). Their combined hourly wage based on the money they actually take home is about $15 an hour (1017 divided by 68). Remember, this may not reflect their actual hourly wages and may not be 100% accurate, but it is a good indicator of their work to earnings ratio.
You may not fit the picture of traditional wage earner(s). Maybe there is income flowing into your household that for any number of reasons, isn't reportable (such as child support). Maybe yours isn't a 40-hour week. Maybe you have the ability to work overtime for extra income. Just do the math - figure out what is coming into the household and how many hours you and others are working.
So, once you have your hourly "wage" what does it have to do with thinking in terms of self expenditure rather than money? That’s easy. Spending money takes on a whole new energy when you start to think of it as spending time at work. Think about paying for a large purchase, say, something that costs you over $100. Maybe you have the cash on hand or maybe you put it on a credit card and pay it off in 3 or four payments.
Instead imagine that when the total is rung up on the cash register, what you see isn’t a dollar amount but the number of hours you worked (or, worse, will have to work) to pay for your purchase. Your $100 item is going to cost you almost seven hours of work. In history, they called this servitude, slavery and bondage. Ouch!
Okay, it’s not that bad – after all, under this system you are in servitude to yourself, and therein lays the beauty – you have the power to determine how much of your time and self you will expend to have the things you want. Maybe that seven hours is worth the pleasure and or convenience you will receive in return. Or maybe, if you calculate that a new wide screen, flat panel television is going to cost you 165 hours of work, you might find yourself thinking that your favorite shows look pretty darn good on your old 27 inch model. If you or your spouse have to work overtime (translate: spend additional hours away from the family), do you really still want to buy those black leather italian boots?
If the desire to accumulate new and better stuff in the pursuit of happiness is just human nature, how can you know when enough is enough? Just ask yourself how you want to spend your time.
Wednesday, October 25
PLEASE RELEASE ME
Go to your junk drawer right now (you know you have one) and throw out 10 things. Stop reading and just go do it.
Are you back? How was it? Were you able to go through with it? Was your heart racing? Did you feel faint? Could you do it again tomorrow?
Recently I saw a news item stating that the fastest growing entrepreneurial business in America was self storage rentals. One fellow, with an already large unit, confessed to a reporter that he would soon need a second shed to store his stuff. He felt compelled to visit his storage unit every day, to look at and touch his collected belongings.
On the opposite end of the scale, when I was a young child I befriended a classmate who moved to our small town. Her father was a manager for a chain discount store - a trouble shooter who was regularly transferred to branches operating in the red. He was good at what he did, and as soon as he had a store operating in the black, they'd move him to another location. My friend's mother kept an immaculately clean and organized home. Her secret, she said, was in moving so often. "When you have to pack it up and haul it around, you learn not to hang onto things you don't need," she said. She was, and still is, the only woman I've known in my life who didn't have a junk drawer.
Another friend has a sister whose motto was, "If I can't wear it or pack it on my Harley, then I guess I don't need it. That might be a bit too minimalist for most of us. So is there a happy medium? I'm relatively sure that if I had to pack up everything I own and schlep it around every couple of years, I'd let go of some of the dishes (5 good sized boxes at the time of my last move) that mostly adorn my china hutch and only rarely, if ever, make it to my table. And what about the two closets worth of craft supplies that were purchased with all good intentions or the third closet filled with clothes I haven't worn in more than a year? Okay, two or three years, but whose counting?
I dream of owning a notebook computer and living in a travel trailer. My college bound daughter laughs at what she calls my "hippie-gypsy" pipe dream. She wonders what I'll do with all my stuff. She, on the other hand, probably won't have much trouble fitting her stuff into a dorm room. Apparently the pack-rat gene didn't pass on to her.
Why do we hang onto things that no longer serve a purpose? The way I see it, there are three major reasons for keeping the stuff we don't need or use -
Fear can also rear its ugly head in the face of the previously mentioned stuff that was given or passed down to you. You fear that if you get rid of it, you will seem ungrateful or unloving. Ask yourself to whom? If the stuff is from loved ones who have passed on, find out if anybody else would like to have it - tell them you've derived some comfort having it, but now you are ready to release it to somebody who might need the same. If the giver is still with us, you can probably still get buy with releasing their gift if it's not something they expect to see every time they come to your house. Jjust make sure you don't sell it at a rummage sale they might attend.
So go ahead, find ten things every day and ask yourself, "Do I use this, need this or derive joy from this on a regular basis?" If you can't answer yes to at least one of those questions - release it. You'll be clutter free before you know it.
Are you back? How was it? Were you able to go through with it? Was your heart racing? Did you feel faint? Could you do it again tomorrow?
Recently I saw a news item stating that the fastest growing entrepreneurial business in America was self storage rentals. One fellow, with an already large unit, confessed to a reporter that he would soon need a second shed to store his stuff. He felt compelled to visit his storage unit every day, to look at and touch his collected belongings.
On the opposite end of the scale, when I was a young child I befriended a classmate who moved to our small town. Her father was a manager for a chain discount store - a trouble shooter who was regularly transferred to branches operating in the red. He was good at what he did, and as soon as he had a store operating in the black, they'd move him to another location. My friend's mother kept an immaculately clean and organized home. Her secret, she said, was in moving so often. "When you have to pack it up and haul it around, you learn not to hang onto things you don't need," she said. She was, and still is, the only woman I've known in my life who didn't have a junk drawer.
Another friend has a sister whose motto was, "If I can't wear it or pack it on my Harley, then I guess I don't need it. That might be a bit too minimalist for most of us. So is there a happy medium? I'm relatively sure that if I had to pack up everything I own and schlep it around every couple of years, I'd let go of some of the dishes (5 good sized boxes at the time of my last move) that mostly adorn my china hutch and only rarely, if ever, make it to my table. And what about the two closets worth of craft supplies that were purchased with all good intentions or the third closet filled with clothes I haven't worn in more than a year? Okay, two or three years, but whose counting?
I dream of owning a notebook computer and living in a travel trailer. My college bound daughter laughs at what she calls my "hippie-gypsy" pipe dream. She wonders what I'll do with all my stuff. She, on the other hand, probably won't have much trouble fitting her stuff into a dorm room. Apparently the pack-rat gene didn't pass on to her.
Why do we hang onto things that no longer serve a purpose? The way I see it, there are three major reasons for keeping the stuff we don't need or use -
- Sentimental attachment
- Monetary Value
- Fear
Sentimental attachment it a tough one. You have to ask yourself how much of your past you need to hang onto. Do you really need a hundred photos from of every vacation (think about it, a mere 3 rolls of 36 prints equals 108) , or will a a few dozen really good pictures do? Must you save every doll or stuffed animal you or your children played with, or just the favorite one?
On a shelf in my parent's basement, I found a box containing all of the greeting cards they'd received on their 25th anniversary. They were so mildewed that they were toxic, sending me into a coughing, gasping fit. At the time of that anniversary, they'd chosen one card and had it beautifully framed. It hung on the wall for the next 40 years ~ the only one they needed to recall their happy memories of that day.
Sentimentality also applies to items that were gifts or handed down from people you love. If you don't really love it and use it, pass it on to somebody who will (maybe another family member who wanted it).
Releasing stuff that has monetary value proves equally difficult. It's really tough to let go of something for which you paid hard-earned cash, especially when selling it won't get you anywhere near the amount you paid for it. First, you have to admit you made a mistake - like that exercise bike that turned out to be a very expensive clothes hanger. If it's accumulating dust instead of miles you know you're not going to use it. Hang your clothes on a hook and sell the bike.
And speaking of clothes, if you don't wear something, it's just another costly item hanging around taking up space. You might try recouping some of your investment by selling good items in a consignment shop, but the bottom line is, if you don't wear it - get rid of it. This goes for all the wrong color lipstick and eye shadow, the single earrings (or anything else that comes in pairs) to which you've lost the mate, shoes that hurt your feet . . . well you get the idea. No matter how much you paid for it if you don't need or use it, pass it on.
Fear is a huge motivator for pack-rats. Items that fall into this category will tend to overlap the categories already mentioned. When you catch yourself thinking, "As soon as I get rid of this stuff, I'm going need it," you are in the clutches of fear. Just for fun, let's go back to the junk drawer. Are you really going to need that piece of broken chalk, the assorted covers that probably don't fit the assorted jars under your sink, they keys that don't unlock or start anything, or the dozens of bread bag twisties? If it is something useful that you might need in the future, I'll bet it belongs someplace else. What if you put 10 things away every day as well as releasing 10 things you don't need - the possibilities are staggering!
Fear can also rear its ugly head in the face of the previously mentioned stuff that was given or passed down to you. You fear that if you get rid of it, you will seem ungrateful or unloving. Ask yourself to whom? If the stuff is from loved ones who have passed on, find out if anybody else would like to have it - tell them you've derived some comfort having it, but now you are ready to release it to somebody who might need the same. If the giver is still with us, you can probably still get buy with releasing their gift if it's not something they expect to see every time they come to your house. Jjust make sure you don't sell it at a rummage sale they might attend.
So go ahead, find ten things every day and ask yourself, "Do I use this, need this or derive joy from this on a regular basis?" If you can't answer yes to at least one of those questions - release it. You'll be clutter free before you know it.
Wednesday, July 19
SOME - BODY TO LOVE
The evolved motivation for me to change my eating habits would be, at its highest, self love. Improving my nutrition would lower my cholesterol along with my weight and would add years to my life. I’ve been working on that for almost two years now, attacking exercise programs and reduced calorie diets with a vengeance. That lasts about as long as it takes for the first sugary dessert to sashay its way onto my plate or the sound of someone tearing open a bag of cheesy potato chips calls to me.
I am now proud to say that in the past 3 weeks I have lost 4 ½ pounds! Apparently, proud is the operative word here, or perhaps the more accurate label would be vain. Why have I been successful this time? What different circumstances came together for the magic formulation that is helping me succeed where before I have failed? Why have I been able to quell the cravings for sugary sweets and salty chips, the hunger pangs and the impulse eating? It all goes to my style of motivation.
Some people are motivated by the promise of reward – a pleasant outcome. Others are motivated by fear, or the threat of unpleasant circumstances. Many of us will vacillate between the two depending on the degree of reward or threat, or as in my current circumstance, one might find a dual motivation.
Even before both of my parents died of heart disease my cholesterol levels and increased weight were a big red warning sign for me to get in shape. Still, my recent success in maintaining a healthier diet and finally beginning to shed the uwanted pounds can only be attributed to the prospect of attending one wedding and two class reunions in the next two months, not to mention that come September and October I will be on stage for two community theater productions. My ego is craving the reward of all those compliments that go something like, “Wow! You look fabulous.” Lately, the added caveat, “for your age,” isn’t as thrilling, but that’s another story.
Oh woman, Vanity is thy name!
So, with this 1-2 combination punch of the promise of compliments and the fear of heart disease and its complications, I am winning the battle of the bulge, but November looms in the distance. The reunions will be a thing of the past (for at least another ten years). My 15 minutes in the spotlight will be but a faded memory. If reduced risk of heart disease and the promise of better health and a longer life aren’t reward enough for me, am I destined to gain back whatever weight I’ve lost?
· Clarity
· Assessment
· Necessary Change
· Designed Environments
· Outcomes
It is no coincidence that necessary change falls in the middle of my five step plan. It is the axis for continued self motivation and successful outcomes. When I reach my current goals of better health and appearance my circumstances, by necessity, will also have changed. Along with them my reasons for staying fit and healthy will change too.
For one thing, after having worked so hard to achieve my goal I will be far less likely to throw it all away. In fact I’m finding that to be true even now. I am a night-time nosher. It took some real mental gymnastics to figure out (see Assessment in Tools for Change) that my habit of eating right before I went to bed wasn’t filling up my belly as much as it was filling my need for comfort at the end of a day. Or, maybe it was filling my belly more than meeting my emotional needs. Anyway, that last yummy snack before turning out the lights was a hard habit to break even after I recognized it for what it was. Now that I’m seeing the numbers on my scale go down, I find it easier and easier to resist the urge to have “just a few chips” or “only two cookies.” at bedtime. It stands to reason that if I give in, I’ll only be gaining back the pounds and losing my success.
Another change is even simpler than that and will take very little effort on my part. It is the result of learned, habitual behavior. By November my new attitudes and actions will have replaced old ones. Again, my night-time noshing is simply a bad habit I developed over many years. In time my healthier habits will take over without even having to go through the reasoning process I'm now utilizing.
The first step of any journey is always the hardest. Once you have taken it, you’ve begun and if you just keep putting one foot after the other you can't help but reaching that half-way point, and we know there's no sense in going back once you've gotten that far. From then on your journey will an effortless, enjoyable stroll.
Here’s to your journey!
If you want to learn more about the Tools for Change, or coaching for motivation and success, visit Living Well.
Monday, July 10
HOME IS WHERE YOUR HEART GROWS
I invited some good friends to join me at my parent’s house for a final good-bye to the home my family loved. I wanted to bless the dwelling and clear the way to welcome a new family. We shared a prayer to that intention, asked for blessings and luck in the sale, with an outcome pleasing to all parties, and I said good-by.
It was harder to do than I’d expected. After all, I’ve had nine months to get used to the idea. I’ve been there, sometimes several times a week, cleaning, purging and preparing the house to go on the market. I thought I’d cried all my tears. Still, when I spoke the words aloud, releasing the house to a new family and asking that they would love and enjoy it as much as my parents, and all of their children and grandchildren have, my voice faltered and the tears coursed down my cheeks again. In my mind I'd already "left" that house, but my heart was still a few steps behind.
Afterwards, my friends and I built a small fire on the beach and waited for the full moon to rise over the lake. Each of us tried to put into words what home meant to us, and shared our memories of the homes we’d lived in and our dreams of the homes we still look forward to occupying in the future. There were vivid descriptions of the smells of baking bread or apple pies, of the current bush in the back yard and the delicious preserves a loving mother made from the fruit. The memories of dark and dusty attics on hot summer days, of the special, warm cubby- spot behind a kitchen oil stove on cold winter mornings, or cool autum nights spent on front porch steps made us all smile. A friend who’d lived in 27 homes by the time she was 27 years old shared her dream of purchasing her husband’s family farm.
We talked about becoming wives and mothers and our efforts to give our own children happy homes. We wondered at our success. What would our kids say if asked to describe the homes in which they grew up?
My parents always gave me a good, safe and nurturing home, but there was more than that. I struggled for the words. I thought that perhaps there was a sense of freedom growing up, but that wasn’t it exactly, for there were certainly rules and boundaries –my parents were quite strict in many ways. Yet, ours was the house where all the neighborhood kids felt welcome. So maybe it was a feeling of safety – not just physical safety, but the safety to be myself, to express my individuality and not only be accepted, but respected.
I finally settled for saying that no matter what house my parents lived in, and no matter how old I was, living with them or not – my parent’s home would always be my home – a place where I knew I was safe and welcome. Now it is my turn to create that same welcome and safety for my children and grandchildren. How, I wondered, can I do that?
On the drive from my parent's now empty house back to my home - now my only home, it struck me. To borrow a song lyric from Cher, “Home is where the heart grows.” I am 48 years old and in my parent’s home I’ve always felt the freedom to grow, to change, to take all those (sometimes scary) first steps on life’s journey and know that I wasn't walking alone. I felt the freedom to make mistakes, to stumble and to fall, knowing that whether I accepted help in getting back up, or stood again in my own way and in my own time, there would always be a place for me.
It’s not the house that I will miss, it’s the home my parents made – no matter where they lived.
It was harder to do than I’d expected. After all, I’ve had nine months to get used to the idea. I’ve been there, sometimes several times a week, cleaning, purging and preparing the house to go on the market. I thought I’d cried all my tears. Still, when I spoke the words aloud, releasing the house to a new family and asking that they would love and enjoy it as much as my parents, and all of their children and grandchildren have, my voice faltered and the tears coursed down my cheeks again. In my mind I'd already "left" that house, but my heart was still a few steps behind.
Afterwards, my friends and I built a small fire on the beach and waited for the full moon to rise over the lake. Each of us tried to put into words what home meant to us, and shared our memories of the homes we’d lived in and our dreams of the homes we still look forward to occupying in the future. There were vivid descriptions of the smells of baking bread or apple pies, of the current bush in the back yard and the delicious preserves a loving mother made from the fruit. The memories of dark and dusty attics on hot summer days, of the special, warm cubby- spot behind a kitchen oil stove on cold winter mornings, or cool autum nights spent on front porch steps made us all smile. A friend who’d lived in 27 homes by the time she was 27 years old shared her dream of purchasing her husband’s family farm.
We talked about becoming wives and mothers and our efforts to give our own children happy homes. We wondered at our success. What would our kids say if asked to describe the homes in which they grew up?
My parents always gave me a good, safe and nurturing home, but there was more than that. I struggled for the words. I thought that perhaps there was a sense of freedom growing up, but that wasn’t it exactly, for there were certainly rules and boundaries –my parents were quite strict in many ways. Yet, ours was the house where all the neighborhood kids felt welcome. So maybe it was a feeling of safety – not just physical safety, but the safety to be myself, to express my individuality and not only be accepted, but respected.
I finally settled for saying that no matter what house my parents lived in, and no matter how old I was, living with them or not – my parent’s home would always be my home – a place where I knew I was safe and welcome. Now it is my turn to create that same welcome and safety for my children and grandchildren. How, I wondered, can I do that?
On the drive from my parent's now empty house back to my home - now my only home, it struck me. To borrow a song lyric from Cher, “Home is where the heart grows.” I am 48 years old and in my parent’s home I’ve always felt the freedom to grow, to change, to take all those (sometimes scary) first steps on life’s journey and know that I wasn't walking alone. I felt the freedom to make mistakes, to stumble and to fall, knowing that whether I accepted help in getting back up, or stood again in my own way and in my own time, there would always be a place for me.
It’s not the house that I will miss, it’s the home my parents made – no matter where they lived.
If you have suffered profound grief that is overwhelming your life, you may be eligible for free coaching at Living Well ~ Body, Mind, Spirit
Tuesday, May 16
IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN
Spirit, inspiration, motivation. The French call it joie de vivre or joy of living. If you’ve lost it, how do you find it again?
If your doctor said you only had six months to live, what would you do? Arguably one of the most overused and misused kick-start questions in coaching (and movie plots). Living every day as if it were your last could result in unreasonable, even hurtful or dangerous behaviors.
Have you ever given thought to the opposite? How would you approach your life if you had a guarantee of living at least another 25, 50 or 60 years. It’s not unthinkable to live to be ninety. Even if you are 60, you could easily have another 25 years or more to live. Whatever the duration, would you choose to live all of those years exactly as you are living now? Would you be satisfied to say “This is what my life is – this is all there is ever going to be.”?
Take a moment to examine your life. Are you energetic and optimisitic or are you running on empty and always expecting the worse? Are you pursuing what you love to do, or are you trudging off to work (or sitting at home) mourning the lack of time and energy to do what you enjoy? Worse yet, do you absolutely hate your job? Are you really prepared to live this way for the rest of your life – no matter how long this life may end up being?
Anna Mary Robertson was born in 1860. She spent all of her life farming, first as a young girl, and then as the wife of Thomas Moses. Like many women of her time Anna was an accomplished needlework artist, but in the mid 1930’s, the liesure passtime she loved so dearly became more and more difficult because of her arthritic hands. Well into her 70’s, she could have bid her passion farewell and said This is what my life has been – all there is ever going to be. Instead she wondered if she could express her joy of living in another art form, and tried her hand at painting. Her paintings featured the things she loved, the changing seasons and the various activities of farm life—sleigh rides, quilting bees, making soap or apple butter, barn dances, and county fairs. You may have guessed by now that Anna Mary Roberston-Moses is none other than Grandma Moses.
Okay, you’re thinking, I’ve heard this one before. But, have you really payed attention? In 1930, the average life expectancy for women was 61 years. Grandma Moses was already beyond that. It would have been easy, perhaps even expected of her to just sit in her rocker and wait for a peaceful farewell. Maybe her family even discouraged, or worse, ridiculed her desire to keep expressing her joy for life when she was obviously so close to death. In a frugal, farming community was she begrudged the expense of painting supplies? What obstacles might Grandma Moses had to have overcome to keep her spirit alive? What ever they were, it’s a good thing for her she persevered – she had a lot of living left to do.
Grandma Moses wrote her autobiography in the early 1950’s (What, yet another career as a writer?) and lived another decade beyond that. Had Grandma Moses laid down her needlework and called it a day, she would have spent the next quarter of a century just passing time, and the world would never have received the gift of her paintings, a visual expression of her joie de vivre .
If your doctor said you only had six months to live, what would you do? Arguably one of the most overused and misused kick-start questions in coaching (and movie plots). Living every day as if it were your last could result in unreasonable, even hurtful or dangerous behaviors.
Have you ever given thought to the opposite? How would you approach your life if you had a guarantee of living at least another 25, 50 or 60 years. It’s not unthinkable to live to be ninety. Even if you are 60, you could easily have another 25 years or more to live. Whatever the duration, would you choose to live all of those years exactly as you are living now? Would you be satisfied to say “This is what my life is – this is all there is ever going to be.”?
Take a moment to examine your life. Are you energetic and optimisitic or are you running on empty and always expecting the worse? Are you pursuing what you love to do, or are you trudging off to work (or sitting at home) mourning the lack of time and energy to do what you enjoy? Worse yet, do you absolutely hate your job? Are you really prepared to live this way for the rest of your life – no matter how long this life may end up being?
Anna Mary Robertson was born in 1860. She spent all of her life farming, first as a young girl, and then as the wife of Thomas Moses. Like many women of her time Anna was an accomplished needlework artist, but in the mid 1930’s, the liesure passtime she loved so dearly became more and more difficult because of her arthritic hands. Well into her 70’s, she could have bid her passion farewell and said This is what my life has been – all there is ever going to be. Instead she wondered if she could express her joy of living in another art form, and tried her hand at painting. Her paintings featured the things she loved, the changing seasons and the various activities of farm life—sleigh rides, quilting bees, making soap or apple butter, barn dances, and county fairs. You may have guessed by now that Anna Mary Roberston-Moses is none other than Grandma Moses.
Okay, you’re thinking, I’ve heard this one before. But, have you really payed attention? In 1930, the average life expectancy for women was 61 years. Grandma Moses was already beyond that. It would have been easy, perhaps even expected of her to just sit in her rocker and wait for a peaceful farewell. Maybe her family even discouraged, or worse, ridiculed her desire to keep expressing her joy for life when she was obviously so close to death. In a frugal, farming community was she begrudged the expense of painting supplies? What obstacles might Grandma Moses had to have overcome to keep her spirit alive? What ever they were, it’s a good thing for her she persevered – she had a lot of living left to do.
Grandma Moses wrote her autobiography in the early 1950’s (What, yet another career as a writer?) and lived another decade beyond that. Had Grandma Moses laid down her needlework and called it a day, she would have spent the next quarter of a century just passing time, and the world would never have received the gift of her paintings, a visual expression of her joie de vivre .
If you have more time left to live than you think, how will you live it? It can be a Beautiful World.
Learn to live well and long at www.livingwellcoach.com
Tuesday, January 31
IT'S ABOUT TIME
I am re-reading a book, I Take Thee Serenity, by Daisy Newman. A bit dated (it was published in 1975) the central theme is still just as relevant and inspiring today as it was 30 years ago – the divinity of the human spirit, and the acceptance that our true happiness is found in recognizing and honoring that divinity in all mankind. Perhaps more importantly, that until we recognize it in ourselves there is no hope of finding sacredness in others.
I long for a serene spirit, but what exactly does that mean? To me it is a quiet center, an inner source of strength, wisdom and compassion. The question is how best to nurture that inner core.
I’m in the business of helping people discover what they need and how to give it to themselves, but how do I give myself serenity? Will I find it by mastering a difficult Yoga pose? Will I move closer with hours of solitary meditation? Must I remove myself to these so called higher spiritual planes to find my own direction? I tell my friends and clients to trust their instincts and listen for what their mind and body need. My instincts tell me I need to be cared for right now, yet my life doesn’t allow for a sabbatical in some remote nature retreat where all my needs are met by an unobtrusive staff (sigh).
The universal law of attraction tells me to project that which I need and I will attract the same. My life has been chaotic this past year. My personal environments reflect the chaos – cluttered, disorganized, in need of TLC. My inner and outer spaces are both in dire need of purity and simplicity. I have a choice. I can sit around contemplating my belly button for however long it takes to manifest a serene spirit that will spill over into my physical world – or – I can start making proactive, positive changes in my physical world, trusting that the spirit will follow.
My sister mentions now and again that it would be nice to have a sign from mother. Boy-howdy would it! But as with my present predicament, I think I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my computer, accomplishing virtually nothing other than feeling sorry for myself again. A friend and spirit sister called me to join her in a walk. I was tired, it was cold outside . . . cold inside. I just couldn’t get warm. “Maybe you just need to get up and do something,” she said.
. . . and there it was, a direct message from my mother. I laughed, remembering all those times she would fling open the doors in the middle of winter to get some fresh air into the house. When I complained of the cold, she told me to get up and get working and I’d be warm soon enough.
An indulgent, pampering retreat may be out of the question right now, but for about the same investment, securing an estate buyer for my parent’s house and a professional organizer for mine will go a long way toward some peace of mind – and spirit. As my dear mother was so very fond of saying, “It’s about time.”
Time to change your life?
I long for a serene spirit, but what exactly does that mean? To me it is a quiet center, an inner source of strength, wisdom and compassion. The question is how best to nurture that inner core.
I’m in the business of helping people discover what they need and how to give it to themselves, but how do I give myself serenity? Will I find it by mastering a difficult Yoga pose? Will I move closer with hours of solitary meditation? Must I remove myself to these so called higher spiritual planes to find my own direction? I tell my friends and clients to trust their instincts and listen for what their mind and body need. My instincts tell me I need to be cared for right now, yet my life doesn’t allow for a sabbatical in some remote nature retreat where all my needs are met by an unobtrusive staff (sigh).
The universal law of attraction tells me to project that which I need and I will attract the same. My life has been chaotic this past year. My personal environments reflect the chaos – cluttered, disorganized, in need of TLC. My inner and outer spaces are both in dire need of purity and simplicity. I have a choice. I can sit around contemplating my belly button for however long it takes to manifest a serene spirit that will spill over into my physical world – or – I can start making proactive, positive changes in my physical world, trusting that the spirit will follow.
My sister mentions now and again that it would be nice to have a sign from mother. Boy-howdy would it! But as with my present predicament, I think I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my computer, accomplishing virtually nothing other than feeling sorry for myself again. A friend and spirit sister called me to join her in a walk. I was tired, it was cold outside . . . cold inside. I just couldn’t get warm. “Maybe you just need to get up and do something,” she said.
. . . and there it was, a direct message from my mother. I laughed, remembering all those times she would fling open the doors in the middle of winter to get some fresh air into the house. When I complained of the cold, she told me to get up and get working and I’d be warm soon enough.
An indulgent, pampering retreat may be out of the question right now, but for about the same investment, securing an estate buyer for my parent’s house and a professional organizer for mine will go a long way toward some peace of mind – and spirit. As my dear mother was so very fond of saying, “It’s about time.”
Time to change your life?
Visit Living Well and discover the steps of
Clarity ~ Action - Results - Enrichment
Tuesday, January 17
THINK ABOUT IT
Where are all the articles telling men how to put themselves first? Think about it.
Recently my sister said “Men want a simple life and women complicate that.” If we’re talking simple, lets go back to the primitive brain (I always love that trip). The male and female archetypes are pretty well defined. Males protected and provided, females nurtured. Could it be possible that a man instinctively puts himself and his own well being first because without his protection and provision his family will perish? Would it not follow that a woman’s primitive instinct is to ensure her own survival by doing all she can to keep her male counterpart strong and well enough to carry out his mission? And wouldn’t she also tend to her children as an investment in the future— sons to help their father and daughters to attract additional males who will protect and provide? What a radical theory!
Fast forward a couple of million years. While our environment has changed immensely, our instincts have not. Far less focused on day to day survival, we have time on our hands. That extra time gives women — complex creatures that we are — ample opportunity to complicate our simple man’s life.
The providing and protecting thing has changed in many ways, two of them significant: (1)provision and protection now come primarily in the form of a paycheck, and (2)women can earn their own. That being the case, we want in on the luxury of being nurtured and cared for. Ah, but the nature of things hasn't changed much and no matter how far equality of the sexes has advanced, men still get the lion’s share of coddling. Why? Because men only have to keep the status quo and simply go with their natural instinct to accept care. Women on the other hand, have to resist a strong, internal current that sweeps them up in caring for others.
The solution? Men need a challenge. For those primitive guys, the contest was staying alive. For our guys, one has to be more creative — but still simple. Formulas usually work well. Like capturing the king in a chess game or carrying the football to a touchdown, the challenge for men is in figuring out the best course of action and taking it.
Woman's desired outcome—half-hour massage once a week.
Price of a half-hour massage at the day spa —$60.
Significant other’s hourly wage —$20.
Significant other’s investment — deduct the equivalent of 3 hours of his wages from the family income or
Invest 1/2 hour once a week spent massaging the woman he loves.
As you can see, the woman in this scenario is following her nurturing instinct by providing the man with a purposeful challenge. The solution he chooses really doesn’t matter (except maybe to him). What matters is that, either way, the woman gets her massage. Repeat — either way the woman gets her massage.
Okay, maybe I’m being a little facetious here, but try to appreciate the male logic of it all. Men desire a specific outcome, they figure out the best way to obtain it and take action accordingly (notice it’s formulaic again). If you want a man to provide for your needs formulate a plan in which the outcome has an impact in his world. Try to avoid formulas that cross over into algebra or calculus. Remember, men just want life to be simple.
Recently my sister said “Men want a simple life and women complicate that.” If we’re talking simple, lets go back to the primitive brain (I always love that trip). The male and female archetypes are pretty well defined. Males protected and provided, females nurtured. Could it be possible that a man instinctively puts himself and his own well being first because without his protection and provision his family will perish? Would it not follow that a woman’s primitive instinct is to ensure her own survival by doing all she can to keep her male counterpart strong and well enough to carry out his mission? And wouldn’t she also tend to her children as an investment in the future— sons to help their father and daughters to attract additional males who will protect and provide? What a radical theory!
Fast forward a couple of million years. While our environment has changed immensely, our instincts have not. Far less focused on day to day survival, we have time on our hands. That extra time gives women — complex creatures that we are — ample opportunity to complicate our simple man’s life.
The providing and protecting thing has changed in many ways, two of them significant: (1)provision and protection now come primarily in the form of a paycheck, and (2)women can earn their own. That being the case, we want in on the luxury of being nurtured and cared for. Ah, but the nature of things hasn't changed much and no matter how far equality of the sexes has advanced, men still get the lion’s share of coddling. Why? Because men only have to keep the status quo and simply go with their natural instinct to accept care. Women on the other hand, have to resist a strong, internal current that sweeps them up in caring for others.
The solution? Men need a challenge. For those primitive guys, the contest was staying alive. For our guys, one has to be more creative — but still simple. Formulas usually work well. Like capturing the king in a chess game or carrying the football to a touchdown, the challenge for men is in figuring out the best course of action and taking it.
Woman's desired outcome—half-hour massage once a week.
Price of a half-hour massage at the day spa —$60.
Significant other’s hourly wage —$20.
Significant other’s investment — deduct the equivalent of 3 hours of his wages from the family income or
Invest 1/2 hour once a week spent massaging the woman he loves.
*note the words with emotional tags --- deduct or invest?
Giving him the freedom to make his own choice — brilliant.
Giving him the freedom to make his own choice — brilliant.
As you can see, the woman in this scenario is following her nurturing instinct by providing the man with a purposeful challenge. The solution he chooses really doesn’t matter (except maybe to him). What matters is that, either way, the woman gets her massage. Repeat — either way the woman gets her massage.
Okay, maybe I’m being a little facetious here, but try to appreciate the male logic of it all. Men desire a specific outcome, they figure out the best way to obtain it and take action accordingly (notice it’s formulaic again). If you want a man to provide for your needs formulate a plan in which the outcome has an impact in his world. Try to avoid formulas that cross over into algebra or calculus. Remember, men just want life to be simple.
Sunday, November 27
LIFE LESSONS
I’ve learned a lot about death this year. My mother-in-law died last autumn, then my own mother suffered a heart attack in January and died three days later. Her last words to me before they took her into surgery were “Don’t leave your father alone.”
I still have a teenager at home. I live in a rural community and have a 30 mile commute to work. My husband drives a semi-truck over the road and all the chores of home ownership fall on my shoulders. How could I possibly fit one more thing on my heaping-full plate? Still, somebody had to take care of my father.
I still have a teenager at home. I live in a rural community and have a 30 mile commute to work. My husband drives a semi-truck over the road and all the chores of home ownership fall on my shoulders. How could I possibly fit one more thing on my heaping-full plate? Still, somebody had to take care of my father.
At 84 years old and having had the benefit of my mother’s all encompassing care for 61 years of marriage, Dad didn’t know how to turn on the oven. He couldn’t operate a washing machine or dishwasher, and beyond a pan fried steak, eggs, toast and heating his coffee in the microwave, he didn’t have a clue about cooking.
“I’m staying in my home,” he declared. “I’m not going to live with anybody and I’m not moving into a senior apartment. I’m going to learn to be independent.” And he did just that. At first, I could hardly believe it, but with each newly acquired skill, I grew more and more proud of my father – and amazed at his resilience.
In the beginning I was at his house every day, either before or after work. I asked him if he wanted me to do his laundry. He answered “No thank you. I just did a load yesterday.” I showed him how to fry bacon in Mom’s George Foreman grill. My husband, a bachelor for 14 years before we married, gave him the recipe for crock pot pork chops.
Dad had stopped driving more than 15 years ago, turning the wheel over to Mom. Before her death, they still made the 60 mile round trip into town three times a week. I wondered how he’d manage with me taking him only once a week. Then one spring day, after all the snow had melted, my father backed the car out of the garage and drove to town by himself. A wide grin spread across his face when, the next day, he told me he thought he did okay.
I worried at first, but accepted that he was in his right mind and still capable of making his own decisions. Often after that, he’d call me at work to say he was coming to town and asked me to join him for lunch. Dad and I settled into a comfortable routine. I called to check on him frequently and visited him at least three times a week. He looked forward to home cooked Sunday dinner at my house as much for the food as for the change of scenery.
Still, the weight of my mother’s words weighed heavy on my shoulders. In her last years she was adamant about never leaving him alone. I felt she would be angry with me for neglecting him. At first I tried to bully my sister into helping out, demanding that she make the 6 hour trip home more often. I encouraged my Dad to visit my brother in Texas, get away from the cold and gray Wisconsin winter.
In April, he finally got on the plane, but he stayed in Texas only three days. I think he was trying get away from the loneliness he felt at home, their home, where every room, every wall, every knick-knack and painting was imprinted with the memory of my mother. But the loneliness followed him so he returned. I knew then there would be no extended visits to give me a break.
I was the child who never moved away. There were more demands on me than on my siblings. I didn’t always get along with my parents. I know there were times they must have been fed up with me as well, but I was there. Many times I envied my sister and brother who lived a life separate from our parents. I wanted that freedom now more than ever.I was so busy resenting my brother and sister, that I nearly missed the shift taking place between my father and I.
Always hungry for a hot meal, Dad became one of those widowers who attend the funerals of those he knew even remotely, and he always asked me to accompany him. I joked with my husband that my new social life consisted of eating funeral meatballs with dad. I tried not to be embarrassed when he was ready to leave as soon as he’d filled his belly.
I sat on the porch swing with him, waved hello to passing neighbors and tried to teach him how to care for mother’s gardens. I cooked for him and, sometimes, he cooked for me. I began to truly enjoy my time with him. Then one day I realized that I was no longer just his daughter. I had become my father’s friend and he had become mine. All at once, any resentment I felt over my brother and sister’s perceived freedom melted away. Instead I felt sorry that they would never know this side of their father.
Spring finally turned to summer and summer faded into fall. I stopped worrying about the statistics that told me widows and widowers often die soon after their spouses. And then, just when I thought some of his loneliness was subsiding and he was looking ahead again, just when I thought he’d be around for a while longer (after all his own father lived into his 90’s), my father died. Too soon after I’d decided to let go of all my resentment and cherish the time I had with my father, he was gone.
I’d spoken with him just the night before. I had the next day off, the forecast predicted a warm autumn day and we made plans to button up his yard for winter. I found him lying on his back, his feet at my mother’s potting shed with the door ajar. He was cold, not breathing. I called 9-1-1 and then went back out to hold his hand. I laid my head on his chest and cried. When the paramedics arrived they went though the motions, but we all knew my father was dead.
With the death of my mother, I lost the one person in the world with whom I shared a body, the person who gave birth to me, nurtured me and taught me everything I know about being a woman, wife and mother. With my father’s death came the loss of the one person who always supported me, always protected me. The person, who instilled in me the values I still hold true today, honesty, fairness, hard work and duty.
It’s been a year of death for me, a year of sorrow that penetrated my very bones, but it’s also been a year of life, of learning to be grateful for what I have instead of resenting what I don’t have. A year of learning that love is all about what you do and not at all about what you say. And that life is about what’s happening right now, not tomorrow, next week or next year.
I will miss my parents forever. I find some measure of comfort in believing that they are together again, that my father isn’t lonely anymore. And whenever my loss starts hurting too much I try to remember that in their life, and in their dying, they gave me everything I will ever need to survive.
NUTRITION LABELS 101
Nutrition Labels 101
You are what you eat, but do you know what you’re eating? Learning to read and make sense of the information provided on nutrition labels is easy. Once you master it, you can take charge of your healthy diet.
Every food product has a Nutrition Facts panel somewhere on the packaging. The first thing listed is the Serving Size. Right below that you will see Servings per Container. This is very important information. Many packages you might think are a single serving actually contain two or more portions.
Below the serving information you will see the heading Amount per Serving. Following will be the break-down of calories, fat, and nutrients. Remember that these figures are per serving only so you may have to brush up on your multiplication tables. Pre-packaged bakery style muffins, (like blueberry, or my favorite – lemon poppy seed) are a good example. If you check you’ll see that the whole muffin is often two servings. Now, most of us are going to eat the whole thing, so to get accurate information the amounts per serving must be multiplied by two.
First up are Calories. You will see that this figure is broken down into categories: total calories per serving and calories from fat. Since about 1/3 of our daily calorie intake should be from healthy fats, a good rule of thumb is to keep the fat content in everything you eat at l/3 or less of the total calories. For instance, if the total calorie count is 90, you would divide that by 3 to come up with 30. If the calories from fat are more than 30, it’s a higher fat product. Once caveat – the fats in pre-packaged foods are rarely (let me rephrase that – almost never) healthy fats, so the lower that fat number is, the better for you.
The next item on the nutrition label is Total Fat. This number is listed in grams, but if you multiply the grams of fat by 10, it should be close to the number of calories from fat. Also in this section, fats will be broken down into Saturated (animal fat and butter are examples), Monounsaturated, Polyunsaturated and Trans-fats.
Despite a great deal of hype on Trans-fats right now, Saturated fat is still the least healthy choice. The confusion comes from evidence that trans-fats raise only LDL (bad) cholesterol, while saturated fats raise HDL (good) cholesterol as well as LDL levels. If you think about it, it begins to make sense. Yes, we would all like to see higher HDL levels in our cholesterol numbers, but surely not at the expense of higher LDL levels that come with the saturated fats.
If you want the skinny on fats, visit http://www.cspinet.org/nah/07_02/fats.pdf for comprehensive information that will explain the good fat/bad fat theory and why it’s dangerous to think that you can never have too much of a good thing. The bottom line is that fat is fat and it must be limited in healthy diets. So pay attention to those fat numbers on nutrition labels – the lower the better.
Following fats is Sodium. Again, most of us get far more sodium/salt in our diets than we need. Look for no or low sodium numbers when reading nutrition labels. Get the breakdown on sodium levels at http://www.eatright.org/Public/Files/Dashfinal.pdf
Carbohydrates are listed by total grams, and then broken down into Dietary Fiber and Sugars. The relationship between added sugars and diet quality is complex. It might help to remember that naturally occurring sugar, such as that in fruit, is better for you than the white stuff added to almost everything in a package. It might also help to remember that we can live with absolutely no added sugar in our diets. Aim for high fiber low sugar numbers.
A note here ~ Foods labeled sugar free may be higher in fats and foods labeled fat free are almost always higher in sugar. If you’re trying to lose weight, pay more attention to the total number of calories than whether or not it is fat and/or sugar free.
Next on the list is Proteins. Protein is generally found in meat, fish, eggs, cheese/dairy products. Soy and nuts are also sources of protein. Unfortunately for our waistlines and our arteries, many proteins are high in fats. Try for a combination of high protein and low fat for a healthy diet – like fish, lean meats, soy and fat-free plain yogurt.
The rest of the nutrition label will list miscellaneous nutrients and vitamins in relation to the percentage of daily recommendations. It could become rocket science to try calculating and meeting 100% of your daily recommended intake. Just put this in the nice to know category and take a good quality multi-vitamin every day.
Keep reading to the bottom of the label. This is what I call the You May Be Interested to Know section. Here you might read that the food is or isn’t a significant source of a particular nutrient, fat or vitamin. It may also detail information about reduced sugar or fat as compared to the full fat and sugar counterpart.
When it comes to your healthy diet, it pays to be a label snob.
You are what you eat, but do you know what you’re eating? Learning to read and make sense of the information provided on nutrition labels is easy. Once you master it, you can take charge of your healthy diet.
Every food product has a Nutrition Facts panel somewhere on the packaging. The first thing listed is the Serving Size. Right below that you will see Servings per Container. This is very important information. Many packages you might think are a single serving actually contain two or more portions.
Below the serving information you will see the heading Amount per Serving. Following will be the break-down of calories, fat, and nutrients. Remember that these figures are per serving only so you may have to brush up on your multiplication tables. Pre-packaged bakery style muffins, (like blueberry, or my favorite – lemon poppy seed) are a good example. If you check you’ll see that the whole muffin is often two servings. Now, most of us are going to eat the whole thing, so to get accurate information the amounts per serving must be multiplied by two.
First up are Calories. You will see that this figure is broken down into categories: total calories per serving and calories from fat. Since about 1/3 of our daily calorie intake should be from healthy fats, a good rule of thumb is to keep the fat content in everything you eat at l/3 or less of the total calories. For instance, if the total calorie count is 90, you would divide that by 3 to come up with 30. If the calories from fat are more than 30, it’s a higher fat product. Once caveat – the fats in pre-packaged foods are rarely (let me rephrase that – almost never) healthy fats, so the lower that fat number is, the better for you.
The next item on the nutrition label is Total Fat. This number is listed in grams, but if you multiply the grams of fat by 10, it should be close to the number of calories from fat. Also in this section, fats will be broken down into Saturated (animal fat and butter are examples), Monounsaturated, Polyunsaturated and Trans-fats.
Despite a great deal of hype on Trans-fats right now, Saturated fat is still the least healthy choice. The confusion comes from evidence that trans-fats raise only LDL (bad) cholesterol, while saturated fats raise HDL (good) cholesterol as well as LDL levels. If you think about it, it begins to make sense. Yes, we would all like to see higher HDL levels in our cholesterol numbers, but surely not at the expense of higher LDL levels that come with the saturated fats.
If you want the skinny on fats, visit http://www.cspinet.org/nah/07_02/fats.pdf for comprehensive information that will explain the good fat/bad fat theory and why it’s dangerous to think that you can never have too much of a good thing. The bottom line is that fat is fat and it must be limited in healthy diets. So pay attention to those fat numbers on nutrition labels – the lower the better.
Following fats is Sodium. Again, most of us get far more sodium/salt in our diets than we need. Look for no or low sodium numbers when reading nutrition labels. Get the breakdown on sodium levels at http://www.eatright.org/Public/Files/Dashfinal.pdf
Carbohydrates are listed by total grams, and then broken down into Dietary Fiber and Sugars. The relationship between added sugars and diet quality is complex. It might help to remember that naturally occurring sugar, such as that in fruit, is better for you than the white stuff added to almost everything in a package. It might also help to remember that we can live with absolutely no added sugar in our diets. Aim for high fiber low sugar numbers.
A note here ~ Foods labeled sugar free may be higher in fats and foods labeled fat free are almost always higher in sugar. If you’re trying to lose weight, pay more attention to the total number of calories than whether or not it is fat and/or sugar free.
Next on the list is Proteins. Protein is generally found in meat, fish, eggs, cheese/dairy products. Soy and nuts are also sources of protein. Unfortunately for our waistlines and our arteries, many proteins are high in fats. Try for a combination of high protein and low fat for a healthy diet – like fish, lean meats, soy and fat-free plain yogurt.
The rest of the nutrition label will list miscellaneous nutrients and vitamins in relation to the percentage of daily recommendations. It could become rocket science to try calculating and meeting 100% of your daily recommended intake. Just put this in the nice to know category and take a good quality multi-vitamin every day.
Keep reading to the bottom of the label. This is what I call the You May Be Interested to Know section. Here you might read that the food is or isn’t a significant source of a particular nutrient, fat or vitamin. It may also detail information about reduced sugar or fat as compared to the full fat and sugar counterpart.
When it comes to your healthy diet, it pays to be a label snob.
Sunday, June 5
BABY STEPS
I’m finally regaining my footing after my mother’s death sent me reeling. It was a double whammy for me. I knew I would miss her, but I had no idea I would be paralyzed with sorrow. I then chastised myself for the unexpected depth and duration of my grief, telling myself to buck up - get over it.
For the past 10 years I’d kept reminding myself that my mother was 75, she was 80, she was 85 . . . it could happen any day. But every day, I saw such a vital and vigorous woman – a picture that didn’t fit my words.
In the last five years I saw her through a few periods of ill health, cancer scares that turned out to be flare-ups of her infrequent digestive maladies. Each time, sitting in doctors' exam rooms with her, telling myself “This could be it,” I thought I was preparing myself for the eventuality. I even preached as much to my brother and sister. “You have to be ready for this. You can’t stick your head in the sand.”
And then it happened. No warning, no lengthy period of feeling unwell, building up to feared doctor visits and the diagnosis. One day she was with us, so alive, laughing and loving us all. The next day, she was gone. Undetected heart disease – a massive heart attack, followed by two days in intensive care. Five minutes after my brother made it to the hospital, she left us.
I lost my oldest brother to Lukemia when I was 17. I’ve lost more close friends than seems right at the age of 47. I’m not a stranger to death. My mother would have been 88 on 27th of this May. She had a long, good life marked by a circle of friends both young and old. She would have stuck around until she was well past 100 if she could have, but if she had to go, she wanted it to be quick and painless. I kept telling myself this, and couldn’t understand why it didn’t help to ease my grief.
Then in reading the glut of Mother's Day articles, one made it all so easy to understand. Our mothers are the person we shared a body with, shared a heartbeat with for nine months. She is the one person in the entire world who, barring any dysfunction, loves us unconditionally with no exceptions. She is the one person we can always count on, no matter how many times we may have disappointed her. She is the one we know will be the proudest of our accomplishments - big or small, hands down.
I suddenly realized how much I’d truly lost. No matter how old I was, how established in my own life, no matter that I might be beyond needing a mother and whether or not I knew that some day she would be gone and I should be prepared. I've lost the one person in the world who gave me what no other can. She gave me life and she kept nurturing that life until the moment of her last breath.
Thank you to those who sent your condolences. It was a comfort and helped toward my still progressing recovery. I can get through a day without crying now – sometimes two or three before something reminds me of Mom, before I reach for the phone to tell her . . . what I could never say enough times.
I love you Mom. I miss you. Thank you for loving me.
For the past 10 years I’d kept reminding myself that my mother was 75, she was 80, she was 85 . . . it could happen any day. But every day, I saw such a vital and vigorous woman – a picture that didn’t fit my words.
In the last five years I saw her through a few periods of ill health, cancer scares that turned out to be flare-ups of her infrequent digestive maladies. Each time, sitting in doctors' exam rooms with her, telling myself “This could be it,” I thought I was preparing myself for the eventuality. I even preached as much to my brother and sister. “You have to be ready for this. You can’t stick your head in the sand.”
And then it happened. No warning, no lengthy period of feeling unwell, building up to feared doctor visits and the diagnosis. One day she was with us, so alive, laughing and loving us all. The next day, she was gone. Undetected heart disease – a massive heart attack, followed by two days in intensive care. Five minutes after my brother made it to the hospital, she left us.
I lost my oldest brother to Lukemia when I was 17. I’ve lost more close friends than seems right at the age of 47. I’m not a stranger to death. My mother would have been 88 on 27th of this May. She had a long, good life marked by a circle of friends both young and old. She would have stuck around until she was well past 100 if she could have, but if she had to go, she wanted it to be quick and painless. I kept telling myself this, and couldn’t understand why it didn’t help to ease my grief.
Then in reading the glut of Mother's Day articles, one made it all so easy to understand. Our mothers are the person we shared a body with, shared a heartbeat with for nine months. She is the one person in the entire world who, barring any dysfunction, loves us unconditionally with no exceptions. She is the one person we can always count on, no matter how many times we may have disappointed her. She is the one we know will be the proudest of our accomplishments - big or small, hands down.
I suddenly realized how much I’d truly lost. No matter how old I was, how established in my own life, no matter that I might be beyond needing a mother and whether or not I knew that some day she would be gone and I should be prepared. I've lost the one person in the world who gave me what no other can. She gave me life and she kept nurturing that life until the moment of her last breath.
Thank you to those who sent your condolences. It was a comfort and helped toward my still progressing recovery. I can get through a day without crying now – sometimes two or three before something reminds me of Mom, before I reach for the phone to tell her . . . what I could never say enough times.
I love you Mom. I miss you. Thank you for loving me.
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