LIFE LESSONS

I’ve learned a lot about death this year. My mother-in-law died last autumn, then my own mother suffered a heart attack in January and died three days later. Her last words to me before they took her into surgery were “Don’t leave your father alone.”

I still have a teenager at home. I live in a rural community and have a 30 mile commute to work. My husband drives a semi-truck over the road and all the chores of home ownership fall on my shoulders. How could I possibly fit one more thing on my heaping-full plate? Still, somebody had to take care of my father.

At 84 years old and having had the benefit of my mother’s all encompassing care for 61 years of marriage, Dad didn’t know how to turn on the oven. He couldn’t operate a washing machine or dishwasher, and beyond a pan fried steak, eggs, toast and heating his coffee in the microwave, he didn’t have a clue about cooking.

“I’m staying in my home,” he declared. “I’m not going to live with anybody and I’m not moving into a senior apartment. I’m going to learn to be independent.” And he did just that. At first, I could hardly believe it, but with each newly acquired skill, I grew more and more proud of my father – and amazed at his resilience.

In the beginning I was at his house every day, either before or after work. I asked him if he wanted me to do his laundry. He answered “No thank you. I just did a load yesterday.” I showed him how to fry bacon in Mom’s George Foreman grill. My husband, a bachelor for 14 years before we married, gave him the recipe for crock pot pork chops.

Dad had stopped driving more than 15 years ago, turning the wheel over to Mom. Before her death, they still made the 60 mile round trip into town three times a week. I wondered how he’d manage with me taking him only once a week. Then one spring day, after all the snow had melted, my father backed the car out of the garage and drove to town by himself. A wide grin spread across his face when, the next day, he told me he thought he did okay.

I worried at first, but accepted that he was in his right mind and still capable of making his own decisions. Often after that, he’d call me at work to say he was coming to town and asked me to join him for lunch. Dad and I settled into a comfortable routine. I called to check on him frequently and visited him at least three times a week. He looked forward to home cooked Sunday dinner at my house as much for the food as for the change of scenery.

Still, the weight of my mother’s words weighed heavy on my shoulders. In her last years she was adamant about never leaving him alone. I felt she would be angry with me for neglecting him. At first I tried to bully my sister into helping out, demanding that she make the 6 hour trip home more often. I encouraged my Dad to visit my brother in Texas, get away from the cold and gray Wisconsin winter.

In April, he finally got on the plane, but he stayed in Texas only three days. I think he was trying get away from the loneliness he felt at home, their home, where every room, every wall, every knick-knack and painting was imprinted with the memory of my mother. But the loneliness followed him so he returned. I knew then there would be no extended visits to give me a break.

I was the child who never moved away. There were more demands on me than on my siblings. I didn’t always get along with my parents. I know there were times they must have been fed up with me as well, but I was there. Many times I envied my sister and brother who lived a life separate from our parents. I wanted that freedom now more than ever.I was so busy resenting my brother and sister, that I nearly missed the shift taking place between my father and I.
Always hungry for a hot meal, Dad became one of those widowers who attend the funerals of those he knew even remotely, and he always asked me to accompany him. I joked with my husband that my new social life consisted of eating funeral meatballs with dad. I tried not to be embarrassed when he was ready to leave as soon as he’d filled his belly.

I sat on the porch swing with him, waved hello to passing neighbors and tried to teach him how to care for mother’s gardens. I cooked for him and, sometimes, he cooked for me. I began to truly enjoy my time with him. Then one day I realized that I was no longer just his daughter. I had become my father’s friend and he had become mine. All at once, any resentment I felt over my brother and sister’s perceived freedom melted away. Instead I felt sorry that they would never know this side of their father.

Spring finally turned to summer and summer faded into fall. I stopped worrying about the statistics that told me widows and widowers often die soon after their spouses. And then, just when I thought some of his loneliness was subsiding and he was looking ahead again, just when I thought he’d be around for a while longer (after all his own father lived into his 90’s), my father died. Too soon after I’d decided to let go of all my resentment and cherish the time I had with my father, he was gone.

I’d spoken with him just the night before. I had the next day off, the forecast predicted a warm autumn day and we made plans to button up his yard for winter. I found him lying on his back, his feet at my mother’s potting shed with the door ajar. He was cold, not breathing. I called 9-1-1 and then went back out to hold his hand. I laid my head on his chest and cried. When the paramedics arrived they went though the motions, but we all knew my father was dead.
With the death of my mother, I lost the one person in the world with whom I shared a body, the person who gave birth to me, nurtured me and taught me everything I know about being a woman, wife and mother. With my father’s death came the loss of the one person who always supported me, always protected me. The person, who instilled in me the values I still hold true today, honesty, fairness, hard work and duty.

It’s been a year of death for me, a year of sorrow that penetrated my very bones, but it’s also been a year of life, of learning to be grateful for what I have instead of resenting what I don’t have. A year of learning that love is all about what you do and not at all about what you say. And that life is about what’s happening right now, not tomorrow, next week or next year.
I will miss my parents forever. I find some measure of comfort in believing that they are together again, that my father isn’t lonely anymore. And whenever my loss starts hurting too much I try to remember that in their life, and in their dying, they gave me everything I will ever need to survive.

NUTRITION LABELS 101

Nutrition Labels 101

You are what you eat, but do you know what you’re eating? Learning to read and make sense of the information provided on nutrition labels is easy. Once you master it, you can take charge of your healthy diet.

Every food product has a Nutrition Facts panel somewhere on the packaging. The first thing listed is the Serving Size. Right below that you will see Servings per Container. This is very important information. Many packages you might think are a single serving actually contain two or more portions.

Below the serving information you will see the heading Amount per Serving. Following will be the break-down of calories, fat, and nutrients. Remember that these figures are per serving only so you may have to brush up on your multiplication tables. Pre-packaged bakery style muffins, (like blueberry, or my favorite – lemon poppy seed) are a good example. If you check you’ll see that the whole muffin is often two servings. Now, most of us are going to eat the whole thing, so to get accurate information the amounts per serving must be multiplied by two.

First up are Calories. You will see that this figure is broken down into categories: total calories per serving and calories from fat. Since about 1/3 of our daily calorie intake should be from healthy fats, a good rule of thumb is to keep the fat content in everything you eat at l/3 or less of the total calories. For instance, if the total calorie count is 90, you would divide that by 3 to come up with 30. If the calories from fat are more than 30, it’s a higher fat product. Once caveat – the fats in pre-packaged foods are rarely (let me rephrase that – almost never) healthy fats, so the lower that fat number is, the better for you.

The next item on the nutrition label is Total Fat. This number is listed in grams, but if you multiply the grams of fat by 10, it should be close to the number of calories from fat. Also in this section, fats will be broken down into Saturated (animal fat and butter are examples), Monounsaturated, Polyunsaturated and Trans-fats.

Despite a great deal of hype on Trans-fats right now, Saturated fat is still the least healthy choice. The confusion comes from evidence that trans-fats raise only LDL (bad) cholesterol, while saturated fats raise HDL (good) cholesterol as well as LDL levels. If you think about it, it begins to make sense. Yes, we would all like to see higher HDL levels in our cholesterol numbers, but surely not at the expense of higher LDL levels that come with the saturated fats.

If you want the skinny on fats, visit http://www.cspinet.org/nah/07_02/fats.pdf for comprehensive information that will explain the good fat/bad fat theory and why it’s dangerous to think that you can never have too much of a good thing. The bottom line is that fat is fat and it must be limited in healthy diets. So pay attention to those fat numbers on nutrition labels – the lower the better.

Following fats is Sodium. Again, most of us get far more sodium/salt in our diets than we need. Look for no or low sodium numbers when reading nutrition labels. Get the breakdown on sodium levels at http://www.eatright.org/Public/Files/Dashfinal.pdf

Carbohydrates are listed by total grams, and then broken down into Dietary Fiber and Sugars. The relationship between added sugars and diet quality is complex. It might help to remember that naturally occurring sugar, such as that in fruit, is better for you than the white stuff added to almost everything in a package. It might also help to remember that we can live with absolutely no added sugar in our diets. Aim for high fiber low sugar numbers.

A note here ~ Foods labeled sugar free may be higher in fats and foods labeled fat free are almost always higher in sugar. If you’re trying to lose weight, pay more attention to the total number of calories than whether or not it is fat and/or sugar free.

Next on the list is Proteins. Protein is generally found in meat, fish, eggs, cheese/dairy products. Soy and nuts are also sources of protein. Unfortunately for our waistlines and our arteries, many proteins are high in fats. Try for a combination of high protein and low fat for a healthy diet – like fish, lean meats, soy and fat-free plain yogurt.

The rest of the nutrition label will list miscellaneous nutrients and vitamins in relation to the percentage of daily recommendations. It could become rocket science to try calculating and meeting 100% of your daily recommended intake. Just put this in the nice to know category and take a good quality multi-vitamin every day.

Keep reading to the bottom of the label. This is what I call the You May Be Interested to Know section. Here you might read that the food is or isn’t a significant source of a particular nutrient, fat or vitamin. It may also detail information about reduced sugar or fat as compared to the full fat and sugar counterpart.

When it comes to your healthy diet, it pays to be a label snob.

BABY STEPS

I’m finally regaining my footing after my mother’s death sent me reeling. It was a double whammy for me. I knew I would miss her, but I had no idea I would be paralyzed with sorrow. I then chastised myself for the unexpected depth and duration of my grief, telling myself to buck up - get over it.

For the past 10 years I’d kept reminding myself that my mother was 75, she was 80, she was 85 . . . it could happen any day. But every day, I saw such a vital and vigorous woman – a picture that didn’t fit my words.

In the last five years I saw her through a few periods of ill health, cancer scares that turned out to be flare-ups of her infrequent digestive maladies. Each time, sitting in doctors' exam rooms with her, telling myself “This could be it,” I thought I was preparing myself for the eventuality. I even preached as much to my brother and sister. “You have to be ready for this. You can’t stick your head in the sand.”

And then it happened. No warning, no lengthy period of feeling unwell, building up to feared doctor visits and the diagnosis. One day she was with us, so alive, laughing and loving us all. The next day, she was gone. Undetected heart disease – a massive heart attack, followed by two days in intensive care. Five minutes after my brother made it to the hospital, she left us.

I lost my oldest brother to Lukemia when I was 17. I’ve lost more close friends than seems right at the age of 47. I’m not a stranger to death. My mother would have been 88 on 27th of this May. She had a long, good life marked by a circle of friends both young and old. She would have stuck around until she was well past 100 if she could have, but if she had to go, she wanted it to be quick and painless. I kept telling myself this, and couldn’t understand why it didn’t help to ease my grief.

Then in reading the glut of Mother's Day articles, one made it all so easy to understand. Our mothers are the person we shared a body with, shared a heartbeat with for nine months. She is the one person in the entire world who, barring any dysfunction, loves us unconditionally with no exceptions. She is the one person we can always count on, no matter how many times we may have disappointed her. She is the one we know will be the proudest of our accomplishments - big or small, hands down.

I suddenly realized how much I’d truly lost. No matter how old I was, how established in my own life, no matter that I might be beyond needing a mother and whether or not I knew that some day she would be gone and I should be prepared. I've lost the one person in the world who gave me what no other can. She gave me life and she kept nurturing that life until the moment of her last breath.

Thank you to those who sent your condolences. It was a comfort and helped toward my still progressing recovery. I can get through a day without crying now – sometimes two or three before something reminds me of Mom, before I reach for the phone to tell her . . . what I could never say enough times.

I love you Mom. I miss you. Thank you for loving me.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

Just about everywhere you turn today you can see, hear or read advice about honoring your spirit, about making a soul connection. Great minds have wrestled over exactly what your spirit or soul is. Some believe it is that intangible essence that sets us apart from all other life on this planet, while others believe that life itself is indicative of the existence of a spirit – many cultures, both ancient and contemporary speak of the spirit of animals, plantss, water and rocks.

What if we think of the nature of these things? It is in a squirrel's nature to gather food (it would seem mostly from my bird feeders!). It is in a river's nature to flow from its source to its mouth. It is the nature of plants and trees to grow toward the sunlight, and it a rock's nature to be still. As humans, though, our unique individuality accounts for as many different interpretations of what is in our nature as there are stars in the sky.

How then, do you honor your own spirit and connect to your soul?

Have you ever become oblivious to the passage of time - so wrapped up in what you're doing that several hours can pass in seeming minutes? If yes, more than likely you were engaged in some pastime or activity that enabled your thoughts, emotions and perceptions to transcend the ordinary, to take you out of your mind and into your spirit. You are connected by fulfilling what it is your nature to do.

Often as we try to find our place in the middle years, we find ourselves rethinking our own nature. What if the years of being daughter, wife and mother took us along different paths than we would have chosen if left to our own natural instincts? Sometimes we feel our nature to be so deeply buried it seems impossible to unearth it. It’s there. You only need follow the clues.

Start by making a list of the things that comfort and restore you; the activities that take your mind away from everyday concerns, like walking along the shoreline or watching the sun rise or set. Maybe drawing, painting, or other creative work soothes you. Perhaps vigorous hiking or rock climbing lets you leave the world behind. Whatever transports you to those moments of flow, does so by tapping into your spirit.

What if sipping a cup of your favorite tea in your just-cleaned kitchen comforts and satisfies you? How is that a clue to your nature? Well it depends on what is most satisfying? Do you relish your moment in solitude, or is it better if you’ve invited a friend to join you? Are you more comfortable because you feel a sense of accomplishment having finished your tasks, or because the space you’re in is clutter free? The answers to these questions may tell you that you are a solitary creature or a social butterfly, an industrious worker-bee or a minimalist by nature. The more you can identify patterns in the details of what comforts you, the more you can incorporate those aspects into all areas of your life.

When you were a little girl you invited your best friend to come out and play by doing the things you knew she would enjoy. This summer, remember what it was like to be a little girl, and invite your spirit to come and play with you.

BODY LANGUAGE

Do you speak to your body in the language of love?
Of course the various parts and functions of your
body can't hear spoken words. Your heart can't hear
you saying that you appreciate all the hard work it
does for you, never taking a break to rest. Your liver
can't understand if you say you are grateful that it
just keeps on processing out all of the toxins you
ingest day after day. But what are your actions
saying to your body?

Further, what if your body had its own voice? What
might it be saying to you?
"What have you done for me lately? When was the last
time you took me out to do anything? All we do
anymore is sit on this couch night after night just
watching T.V. and eating junk food."
"When was the last time you bought me a decent
meal?"
"Hello! Why don't pay any attention to me
anymore?"
"Don't you love me?"

Sound familiar? Could this be the voice of your
body? More than once, I've heard women who are
approaching, and those firmly ensconced in middle
age (or not so firmly body-wise), complain that their
body is turning on them. "I'm falling apart. Nothing
works like it used to, and when I get hurt, it
takes twice as long to heal. I can't do half the things
I did just 5 years ago. I hate getting old. My body is
betraying me!"

But what if it's the other way around? Could you be
guilty of betraying your body? It's worked hard for
you all your life. How have you shown your
appreciation? By feeding it the best and healthiest
diet of fresh food? Or do you subscribe to a belief system that
says eating fat and sugar rich, processed and packaged treats is the way to be
good to yourself?

Do you take your body out to play every day? Do
you run with the joy and abandoned you once did
when your body was new and you were enamored of
it? Do you even walk with a bounce in your step? Do
you take your body out in the sunshine (don't forget the sunscreen and your floppy hat), take it swimming or
golfing or riding a bike? Or, do you tell your
body, "It's too much work. Just lie here on the couch
and be quiet."

Conversely, do you overwork your body, forcing it to
perform beyond its endurance, running a race when
its knees or back are aching? Forcing it to keep
working when it is sick with a virus or dis-ease? Or
staying up late into the nights, when it is crying for
sleep?

As much as any other relationship in your life, the
relationship you have with your body depends on
communication if it is going to thrive. Train your inner
ear to listen to your body telling you what it
needs . . . and doesn't need. Don't let misguided
emotions lead you in the wrong direction. Sure, your
brain might be telling you that a sugar donut or a
bowl of ice cream is just what you need after a
terrible day at work, and the serotonin rush
will dull the stress induced anxiety you're
feeling, but if you listen more closely you might hear
your body saying "Move it!"

Your body knows that the
adrenaline and cortisol racing around in your blood
stream is calling for action and wants you to get up
off your butt, get your arms and legs and heart
pumping and burn off that stress along with a few
calories.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and the same
may well be said about your body. Neglect it, abuse
it and you will feel its wrath in ever increasing and
unpleasant manifestations - from indigestion and
headaches to heart disease and cancer. Treat it
right, and you will have every chance of living a long,
enriching life together.

When it comes to body language, actions definitely speak louder than words.

TOOLS FOR CHANGE

How many of you have ever made a New Year resolution? I’m just going to go ahead and guess . . . every one of you. I’m also going to assume that not one of you has kept every resolution you ever made. Likely you make the same pledges over and over again.

~This year I will lose weight and get in shape.
~This Year I will get a raise or find a better paying job
~This year I will finally get organized.

We’ve all been told which road is paved with good intentions, and it’s not a place any of us want to go (I hope!). Yet the fact is every single success grows from the seed of good intentions. So why aren’t all of us, always successful? Because intention alone is not enough; to be successful you need the tools of CAN DO.

What in heaven’s name are the tools of Can Do?

Clarity
Assessment
Necessary Changes
Designed Environments
Outcomes (Or rewards)

Oh sure, your probably thinking, just another clever acronym with little substance behind it. Look! She even had to cheat on that last one to make it spell out a word. Before you click outta here, let me tell you how it works.

The first thing you need to know when making changes in or about your life is exactly what it is you want to change. Clarity means forming a precise picture OF what your success will look like, feel like, sound like – maybe even what it smells and tastes like. Believe it or not, this can often be the most difficult step of all. If you’re thinking that’s ridiculous Remember the caveat, “Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.” What we think we want isn’t always necessarily the case.

An almost universal New Year’s resolution is to lose weight and get in shape. I’ve uttered it more than once myself. When I started asking why I wanted to lose weight, I was quite surprised by what my answers revealed. Turns out I don’t give a hoot what the scale says, or even too much how I look. For me, it’s all about how I feel, physically and mentally. Knowing what you really want to achieve changes your motivation, your actions and maybe even the way by which you measure your success.

Next we have Assessment. To move forward successfully you should know where you’ve already been – so you don’t go back there again. Get honest with yourself about how and why you’ve failed in the past. Ask yourself what is different about your approach or commitment to change this time, and plan for the obstacles you will likely encounter.

Have you tried repeatedly to stick to a budget and failed? Maybe this time the need is more apparent or success more desirable because of what you’ll do with the savings. Was your biggest obstacle in the past impulse shopping? Formulate a definite strategy for overcoming potential failure, whether it means never buying anything the first time you see it, or leaving your checkbook and credit cards at home, taking just enough cash for what you need that day. I once promised myself that I would not purchase anything for an entire month except life’s necessities – food and shelter. When I saw something I wanted, I wrote it down. I was amazed when, at the end of the month, I reviewed my list and realized that I no longer felt the desire to buy any of the items. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t want the next thing I saw, but it taught me that my impulses filled some immediate desire but probably not a long term need.

Assessing your behaviors and beliefs carries over to making necessary changes. If your goal is to lose 20 pounds and you eat 3 donuts for breakfast every day, either you have to stop eating the donuts or start exercising – a lot. When resolving to change something in or about your life, YOU are the one who has to make the changes. Seems pretty simple when you hear it that way doesn’t it?

Maybe not. Maybe you’re thinking, “I’ve been this far before. I’ve known what I want, where I’ve been and where I’m going, and I’ve even made the changes. Somehow, I lose motivation, it gets too hard, and pretty soon I’m right back where I started.” That’s where Designing Environment comes in; supportive environments to be exact.

My preferred mode of physical activity is walking. If I can get myself going, get out the door and take those first few steps, I thoroughly enjoy every minute of it. Still, I just can’t seem to get out the door. So I found a few friends who also like to walk and whether they come to my house, or I agree to meet them, it gets me out the door.

Get creative in designing your supportive environments. Write down the perfect situation even if you think it’s never going to happen. Is your goal is to improve your appearance and dress for success? The ideal would be to hire an image consultant and a personal shopper to come clean out your closets, advise you on the best styles to wear and then go shopping with you to make sure you get it right. If that isn’t feasible, start to whittle it down to size. Is there a close friend whose style you’d admire? Ask him or her to be your closet-cleaning, wardrobe-shopping buddy.

Last we have Outcomes – but not just any outcomes; they have to be rewarding. Let’s go back to my discovery about the desire to lose weight. Since it really wasn’t about the numbers on the scale, using that scale as a measure of my success wasn’t motivating me. The numbers weren’t going down significantly and I really didn’t care (too much) when they went up – as long as I still felt good. To motivate myself, I have to stay more in tune with how I felt on a daily basis. Energized and light, or tired and weighed down? It’s probably a no-brainer but I’ll tell you anyway. The more days that I can chalk up to feeling energized and light, the more the numbers on the scale have gone down when I bother to check.

Make a list of what the rewards of your success will be. Write down everything you can think of and continue adding to the list any time you think of something new. Prioritize your list and make copies of it. Post the copies where you will see them often. Staying focused on the rewards of your success will keep your motivation strong.

The first step, knowing what you really want and this last step, knowing why you really want it may seem very much the same. They are, which is why using these tools for change keeps you moving in a vicious circle of success. Clarity, Assessment, Necessary changes, Designing supportive environments, Outcomes that are rewarding – You Can Do it!

The Spirit of A Woman ~ by Penny Tupy

Musing on Marriage ™
She “does for” everyone else.

She stumbles out of bed every two hours to sit in the rocker with the nursing infant, heavy eyed and hollow with sleep deprivation. In the morning she juggles corn flakes and juice while packing lunches, signing permission slips, and writing notes to the teacher. During her lunch hour she runs errands for the household. Husband needs fresh razor blades, daughter has a project at school requiring poster board and special markers, and the cat can only eat a certain food found only in one store which is, of course, inconveniently located. Lunch hour is a misnomer – she doesn't really stop to eat lunch.

She works at a job she may or may not love. Her dream of making a splash in the world has become more tied up with caring for family than with being a superstar or Nobel Prize winner. Not that she doesn't still dream, she does, but the sparks of her passion are now tied up with her desire to uphold and nurture the dreams of those she loves so deeply.

In the evening, she pulls together a meal from remnants of leftovers, a little pasta, and a can of fruit cocktail. Because she retains a hint of yesterday's values she insists the children put their napkins on their laps and learn to hold their forks in ways that seem foreign to their little hands. It's a nightly battle whose wages are whining and excuses. She smiles through gritted teeth and pounding head and distracts them from the whining with a question about their day.

On autopilot she averts disaster constantly scanning the horizon for looming threats. "Is there enough money in the school milk account? Do the boots from last year still fit? – It's going to snow this weekend. We need to make a special stop for a birthday gift for the child's friend – do you know what he likes?" She schedules dental appointments, well child visits, eye appointments, and keeps the immunization records up to date. She finds missing library books in the final rushed moments before the bus comes so her daughter can exchange it for a new one today at school. She knows the shoe, shirt, pant, and hat size of every member of the family – and she has internal radar that reminds her to keep everyone in clothes that fit.

When she signed up for this thing called marriage and family she believed she was joining a team. She had a dream, a vision, of partnering with this man for life in a venture they would carve out together. Certainly she knew that each of them would play different roles at different times but always she thought of it as a team. A team where both players and all their parts would be honored for its importance and value. A team where the weight was shifted and distributed as conditions and situations warranted.

If it was a second marriage that dream vision was tinged all at once with loss and renewal, death and rebirth. She'd dreamed the dream once before and watched it wither. But hope was strong and took root once again with a new love, a new life. In his eyes she saw the promise of being cared for in the way she cared for everyone else.

But she forgot, or never knew, that love and caring, nurturing and guiding don't have a spot on the bottom line. They don't get counted in the same way when the conversation about the "good of the family" is used to deny her the sustenance needed to feed her spirit. Her giving is a shadow presence – demanded of her without words –unrewarded and overlooked in the urgency of doing what is "for the good of the family."

And so as the years unfold and she finds herself alone and pregnant, alone in the middle of the night with a sick child, alone with the worry about the mundane trials of life, alone with her lost dreams, conversations never spoken, and empty hopes, she begins to grieve the loss of the dream.

Once she'd been young and vital staring with anticipation at all that life could offer. Smart, talented, passionate, witty, quiet, outrageous, brilliant, tentative and confident all at once she could have been anything she wanted. She chose love. She chose to give of herself to those who held the essence of her heart. Her husband, her children, her parents, her friends, and even those far removed whose cause she cared about. She volunteers, she works, she mothers, and she does her best to support her husband. She gives of herself and she gives herself.

She puts aside her thoughts of fame and fortune knowing the deeper mystery. That fortunes in gold cannot compare to fortunes of the heart. That fame and acclaim of celebrityhood pale next to being Known by the loves of your life. That the deepest satisfaction of life comes of sharing most intimately all that you are with another person.

As a child she wished this from her parents and as she grew she came to see that she must leave their embrace and pursue the dream elsewhere. When she held her babies in her arms she knew that she held them for only a brief moment in time and they too would leave the nest – as she had done. With her friends and other loved ones she gave of herself knowing that it was gift. She understands at the deepest level that this is What Women Do – they give. And in their giving they manifest the force that gives life to the planet.

All she asks in return for this gift of nurturance and life is that she be loved and cherished, honored and held safe by one person. Her husband. She doesn't ask that he sacrifice his dreams or aspirations, she stands ready to support him in all those things. She only asks that he look into her eyes, take the time and energy to know her deeply, and that he engage with her as a partner in this life they build together. She asks that her contribution be given a place of honor and that he participate with her in crafting a home. This is the food that keeps alive the Spirit of a woman.

But now her youth is faded, the fine lines show on her face, her waist has thickened. She's tired and she's sad inside. She still gives to family and home and she still wishes for knowing and intimacy. But she is contemptuously told she's "unbelievable" when she asks for engagement or support. Her pleas for partnership die on her lips. She wonders if she made the wrong choice all those years ago – if what she saw as the mystery of love was nothing but a cruel trick of the light.

Until at last she finds herself one chilly morning in the darkest time of the year sitting across from him in a coffee shop. The walls painted in colors of earth, wood tables and mismatched chairs filled with students and couples and families. Clattering and chattering fill the air while the sound and aroma of grinding coffee make up the background. And he says to her, this man who insists her desire for teamship, for engagement, for true partnering is outrageous, too much to expect of anyone, that he is excited to be back at work this week. That not only did he do an exceedingly good job leading his colleagues over the past two years but that he is motivated to do even more this year. That he revels in his reputation as the powerhouse who gets things done. That his participation and engagement on several teams have made a positive and lasting impact. And in that moment time stands still. The sounds and aromas colors and textures of the little coffee house become flat and empty – silent as if all life was suddenly sucked away. In the silent emptiness that remains she hears it, the final dying sigh of her spirit as it falls slowly, forgotten and alone, in the abyss.
© Penny R. Tupy 2005

Girls ~ And Women ~ Just Wanna Have Fun

Over the past two weeks I’ve seen a total of 3 news stories on children and physical fitness (or lack thereof) in our schools, 1 on complications of obesity, 2 on the federal nutrition guidelines, and too many too count on prescription drugs and their side-effects. Right now, I’m watching a young girl perform what I can only call a combination of cheerleading and gymnastics while jumping rope (more on that later).

The U.S. waistline continues to expand, with 61 percent of adults now considered overweight, and 26 % considered obese. More than 15% of children are dangerously overweight while shrinking educational budgets are forcing physical education programs out of our schools.

Common sense would tell us we’d better starting making some lifestyle changes. Sadly, common sense seems to be underrated these days. To illustrate this, one story explained that a significant number of overweight Americans suffering shortness of breath and significant difficulty breathing have been diagnosed and treated for asthma, when the underlying cause for the diminished lung capacity and function was obesity. I personally know individuals who have undergone several knee operations, complain that “it didn’t help at all” but shrug off any mention of being more than 100 pounds over-weight for their frame.

Further, special interest groups in certain food industries are complaining because new government guidelines for nutrition are for the first time recommending that we consume as little added salt and sugar as possible. One representative went so far as to claim there was no scientific research supporting claims that there is any link between sugar consumption and obesity or the increase of type-II diabetes among adult Americans.

I promised that I’d get back to the athletic girl with the jump rope. She brought a tear to my eye. Her smile lit up her face. Her frame was robust and muscular. When she finished her performance, the interviewer commented that she wasn’t even out of breath.
She is probably clueless that she is performing an extreme physical feat because, in her mind, she's just having fun. Like the kids at An Achievable Dream Academy, where any games they play as part of their rigorous phys-ed program are played for fun – with little, if any, concern about who is winning. They are all winners in the game of life.

Most of us grew up eating the high-fat comfort foods our stay-at-home mom’s served up three times a day. Only 4% of kids were significantly overweight in those Harriet Nelson and June Cleaver days. Physical activity was built into our days. From gym class, to riding bikes or walking everywhere we went. From playing sand-lot baseball to unstructured pick-up games of basketball, touch football and others, with names like kick-the-can, red light—green light and plain old tag.

The world we live in has changed. Neighborhoods aren’t the safe place they were back then. Parents struggle with the knowledge that their kids might be couch potatoes but at least they are safe. Working adults are working harder than ever in less physically demanding jobs. Levels of stress increase, along with the so-called stress hormones that are only depleted by physical activity. We lament that the pace of life is hectic but we’re getting nowhere fast.

With the glut of FDA approved drugs being pulled off the market, we have to consider the fact that there is no quick cure, no magic pill for all that ails us. We’re being forced to look at the underlying cause of disease in America. We want a solution , but we’re overlooking that which is right in front of us – it’s plain common sense.

Get up off the couch. Get out from in front of the computer or television. Push yourself away from the table and get your body moving. Forget the gym or the fitness club. Forget the in-and-out in 30 minutes circuit training, the latest diet, or celebrity endorsed method or machine for getting that Hollywood body. If you want to stay in shape, go out and play. If you want to make a difference in America’s future – play with a kid. Jump rope, play tag, ride a bike, bounce a ball. Teach your kids, or the kids in your neighborhood or at your playground, the games you played when you were a kid. Have some fun. You, and the world, will be better for it.