My daughter just gave birth to her first child, my third grandchild. Through-out her pregnancy she was frustrated by her fluctuating hormones and the havoc they caused. One day, as she was complaining about being bloated, feeling tired and forgetful, being too hot for comfort and being just plain irritable, I could only say, “ Me too!”
How ironic is it, that in the early stages of peri-menopause (don’t you just love these diagnosis?) I would be suffering all the same symptoms as my pregnant daughter? I want to tell whomever is in control of such things that it’s okay – really, I don’t feel that badly about nearing the end of my child-bearing years. It’s not like being told that I can never have chocolate again and wanting just one last taste.
In the words of one country music star “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman.”
Navigating the middle years of your life can be difficult. It isn’t only the physical changes we have to take into stride, but the challenges of a life very different from our mothers’. Our world is turning at faster pace, we have jobs outside of our homes and yet are still responsible for the majority of housework and family care. It’s more common to still be raising young children and 14% of us are raising our grandchildren. In many ways our lifestyle offers more options than a generation ago, but in other ways we are at a disadvantage.
Pregnancy gave my daughter permission to take it easy, not over-do it, get some rest. If the challenges of mid-life cause a woman to feel pretty much the same way, why do we insist on trying to tough it out, hang in there and work even harder? Do we have something to prove? Are we trying to eradicate the “weaker sex” stereotype at the expense of our well being? Or worse, are we afraid that if we slow down now, we’ll never make it for the long haul?
I’m not suggesting it’s time to pull on the orthopedic hose, put our feet up and rock our way into senility. On the contrary, I am committed to staying strong and healthy, looking my best and keeping a youthful attitude. But knowing and honoring limitations can go a long way toward navigating this complicated life transition with a sense of serenity. Who knows, it may even be the best way to find that second wind for the next 40 years and beyond.
Take a look at your life. (1) Where could you use some help? Appoint someone to do the dishes, the vacuuming or the laundry. Find somebody who can run your errands. Make sure you get the help you need, even if it means paying for it. (2) How could you give yourself a break? Let some of your obligations go. The PTA, the Friends of the Library or some other volunteer group can do without you for a while. Your kids and/or your husband can fend for themselves one night a week - peanut butter and jelly won't kill them. Better yet, let them fend for you. PB&J can be a feast when you don't have to prepare it, serve it or clean it up. (3) When can you indulge yourself? Take a walk in nature, sit in a lawnchair and watch the sun set or go to a great restaurant and share a rich dessert with a friend (you'll know she's a good friend when she's willing to share the calories).
Honor this time of transition with a healthy dose of self love. Three simple things, done once each week could be just the pick-me-up you need feel and look your best. Oh, and little bit of chocolate every day wouldn't hurt.
Thursday, November 9
HOW DO YOU SPEND YOUR TIME?
Finding balance when it comes to your financial health and well being can be – well, a real balancing act. When striving to settle into a happy medium between what you need and what you want, there is always that pesky factor of how much you earn and how much you spend, or save, as the case may be.
With credit card debt and bankruptcy on the rise, it seems that too many of us aren’t being realistic about what we can afford to spend on the things we want. If you’re spending more than you earn (translate: you are carrying credit card debt from month to month and never see a zero balance on your statements) you may be heading for big trouble.
Learning to live within one’s means can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Just stop thinking in terms of dollar amounts and start thinking in terms of self expenditure. Get your pencils out – we’re going to work a few math problems.
First, add up all of the income in your household. You can do this in two ways: Use the adjusted gross income figure from your most recent tax return, or add up the hourly wage of all wage earners who also contribute to living expenses (in other words, don’t count the income of kids or adults who don’t pay bills). I prefer the adjusted gross income because it will give a much more accurate picture of what you really have to work with. Divide your number by 52 – the number of weeks in a year.
Now add up the number of hours everybody works in one week. Divide the previous amount by the number of hours worked. The result is your household hourly wage.
Here’s an example: John Q. Office and his wife Suzy show an adjusted gross income of $52,895.00. John works a typical 40 hour week, but Suzy works part time with flexible hours and averages about 18 hours a week. However, she is also self employed as a bookkeeper and puts in approximately 10 more hours a week keeping her clients’ books. Their total weekly hours are 68. Their adjusted gross income, when divided by 52, totals 1017.00 (rounded). Their combined hourly wage based on the money they actually take home is about $15 an hour (1017 divided by 68). Remember, this may not reflect their actual hourly wages and may not be 100% accurate, but it is a good indicator of their work to earnings ratio.
You may not fit the picture of traditional wage earner(s). Maybe there is income flowing into your household that for any number of reasons, isn't reportable (such as child support). Maybe yours isn't a 40-hour week. Maybe you have the ability to work overtime for extra income. Just do the math - figure out what is coming into the household and how many hours you and others are working.
So, once you have your hourly "wage" what does it have to do with thinking in terms of self expenditure rather than money? That’s easy. Spending money takes on a whole new energy when you start to think of it as spending time at work. Think about paying for a large purchase, say, something that costs you over $100. Maybe you have the cash on hand or maybe you put it on a credit card and pay it off in 3 or four payments.
Instead imagine that when the total is rung up on the cash register, what you see isn’t a dollar amount but the number of hours you worked (or, worse, will have to work) to pay for your purchase. Your $100 item is going to cost you almost seven hours of work. In history, they called this servitude, slavery and bondage. Ouch!
Okay, it’s not that bad – after all, under this system you are in servitude to yourself, and therein lays the beauty – you have the power to determine how much of your time and self you will expend to have the things you want. Maybe that seven hours is worth the pleasure and or convenience you will receive in return. Or maybe, if you calculate that a new wide screen, flat panel television is going to cost you 165 hours of work, you might find yourself thinking that your favorite shows look pretty darn good on your old 27 inch model. If you or your spouse have to work overtime (translate: spend additional hours away from the family), do you really still want to buy those black leather italian boots?
If the desire to accumulate new and better stuff in the pursuit of happiness is just human nature, how can you know when enough is enough? Just ask yourself how you want to spend your time.
With credit card debt and bankruptcy on the rise, it seems that too many of us aren’t being realistic about what we can afford to spend on the things we want. If you’re spending more than you earn (translate: you are carrying credit card debt from month to month and never see a zero balance on your statements) you may be heading for big trouble.
Learning to live within one’s means can be difficult, but it’s not impossible. Just stop thinking in terms of dollar amounts and start thinking in terms of self expenditure. Get your pencils out – we’re going to work a few math problems.
First, add up all of the income in your household. You can do this in two ways: Use the adjusted gross income figure from your most recent tax return, or add up the hourly wage of all wage earners who also contribute to living expenses (in other words, don’t count the income of kids or adults who don’t pay bills). I prefer the adjusted gross income because it will give a much more accurate picture of what you really have to work with. Divide your number by 52 – the number of weeks in a year.
Now add up the number of hours everybody works in one week. Divide the previous amount by the number of hours worked. The result is your household hourly wage.
Here’s an example: John Q. Office and his wife Suzy show an adjusted gross income of $52,895.00. John works a typical 40 hour week, but Suzy works part time with flexible hours and averages about 18 hours a week. However, she is also self employed as a bookkeeper and puts in approximately 10 more hours a week keeping her clients’ books. Their total weekly hours are 68. Their adjusted gross income, when divided by 52, totals 1017.00 (rounded). Their combined hourly wage based on the money they actually take home is about $15 an hour (1017 divided by 68). Remember, this may not reflect their actual hourly wages and may not be 100% accurate, but it is a good indicator of their work to earnings ratio.
You may not fit the picture of traditional wage earner(s). Maybe there is income flowing into your household that for any number of reasons, isn't reportable (such as child support). Maybe yours isn't a 40-hour week. Maybe you have the ability to work overtime for extra income. Just do the math - figure out what is coming into the household and how many hours you and others are working.
So, once you have your hourly "wage" what does it have to do with thinking in terms of self expenditure rather than money? That’s easy. Spending money takes on a whole new energy when you start to think of it as spending time at work. Think about paying for a large purchase, say, something that costs you over $100. Maybe you have the cash on hand or maybe you put it on a credit card and pay it off in 3 or four payments.
Instead imagine that when the total is rung up on the cash register, what you see isn’t a dollar amount but the number of hours you worked (or, worse, will have to work) to pay for your purchase. Your $100 item is going to cost you almost seven hours of work. In history, they called this servitude, slavery and bondage. Ouch!
Okay, it’s not that bad – after all, under this system you are in servitude to yourself, and therein lays the beauty – you have the power to determine how much of your time and self you will expend to have the things you want. Maybe that seven hours is worth the pleasure and or convenience you will receive in return. Or maybe, if you calculate that a new wide screen, flat panel television is going to cost you 165 hours of work, you might find yourself thinking that your favorite shows look pretty darn good on your old 27 inch model. If you or your spouse have to work overtime (translate: spend additional hours away from the family), do you really still want to buy those black leather italian boots?
If the desire to accumulate new and better stuff in the pursuit of happiness is just human nature, how can you know when enough is enough? Just ask yourself how you want to spend your time.
Wednesday, October 25
PLEASE RELEASE ME
Go to your junk drawer right now (you know you have one) and throw out 10 things. Stop reading and just go do it.
Are you back? How was it? Were you able to go through with it? Was your heart racing? Did you feel faint? Could you do it again tomorrow?
Recently I saw a news item stating that the fastest growing entrepreneurial business in America was self storage rentals. One fellow, with an already large unit, confessed to a reporter that he would soon need a second shed to store his stuff. He felt compelled to visit his storage unit every day, to look at and touch his collected belongings.
On the opposite end of the scale, when I was a young child I befriended a classmate who moved to our small town. Her father was a manager for a chain discount store - a trouble shooter who was regularly transferred to branches operating in the red. He was good at what he did, and as soon as he had a store operating in the black, they'd move him to another location. My friend's mother kept an immaculately clean and organized home. Her secret, she said, was in moving so often. "When you have to pack it up and haul it around, you learn not to hang onto things you don't need," she said. She was, and still is, the only woman I've known in my life who didn't have a junk drawer.
Another friend has a sister whose motto was, "If I can't wear it or pack it on my Harley, then I guess I don't need it. That might be a bit too minimalist for most of us. So is there a happy medium? I'm relatively sure that if I had to pack up everything I own and schlep it around every couple of years, I'd let go of some of the dishes (5 good sized boxes at the time of my last move) that mostly adorn my china hutch and only rarely, if ever, make it to my table. And what about the two closets worth of craft supplies that were purchased with all good intentions or the third closet filled with clothes I haven't worn in more than a year? Okay, two or three years, but whose counting?
I dream of owning a notebook computer and living in a travel trailer. My college bound daughter laughs at what she calls my "hippie-gypsy" pipe dream. She wonders what I'll do with all my stuff. She, on the other hand, probably won't have much trouble fitting her stuff into a dorm room. Apparently the pack-rat gene didn't pass on to her.
Why do we hang onto things that no longer serve a purpose? The way I see it, there are three major reasons for keeping the stuff we don't need or use -
Fear can also rear its ugly head in the face of the previously mentioned stuff that was given or passed down to you. You fear that if you get rid of it, you will seem ungrateful or unloving. Ask yourself to whom? If the stuff is from loved ones who have passed on, find out if anybody else would like to have it - tell them you've derived some comfort having it, but now you are ready to release it to somebody who might need the same. If the giver is still with us, you can probably still get buy with releasing their gift if it's not something they expect to see every time they come to your house. Jjust make sure you don't sell it at a rummage sale they might attend.
So go ahead, find ten things every day and ask yourself, "Do I use this, need this or derive joy from this on a regular basis?" If you can't answer yes to at least one of those questions - release it. You'll be clutter free before you know it.
Are you back? How was it? Were you able to go through with it? Was your heart racing? Did you feel faint? Could you do it again tomorrow?
Recently I saw a news item stating that the fastest growing entrepreneurial business in America was self storage rentals. One fellow, with an already large unit, confessed to a reporter that he would soon need a second shed to store his stuff. He felt compelled to visit his storage unit every day, to look at and touch his collected belongings.
On the opposite end of the scale, when I was a young child I befriended a classmate who moved to our small town. Her father was a manager for a chain discount store - a trouble shooter who was regularly transferred to branches operating in the red. He was good at what he did, and as soon as he had a store operating in the black, they'd move him to another location. My friend's mother kept an immaculately clean and organized home. Her secret, she said, was in moving so often. "When you have to pack it up and haul it around, you learn not to hang onto things you don't need," she said. She was, and still is, the only woman I've known in my life who didn't have a junk drawer.
Another friend has a sister whose motto was, "If I can't wear it or pack it on my Harley, then I guess I don't need it. That might be a bit too minimalist for most of us. So is there a happy medium? I'm relatively sure that if I had to pack up everything I own and schlep it around every couple of years, I'd let go of some of the dishes (5 good sized boxes at the time of my last move) that mostly adorn my china hutch and only rarely, if ever, make it to my table. And what about the two closets worth of craft supplies that were purchased with all good intentions or the third closet filled with clothes I haven't worn in more than a year? Okay, two or three years, but whose counting?
I dream of owning a notebook computer and living in a travel trailer. My college bound daughter laughs at what she calls my "hippie-gypsy" pipe dream. She wonders what I'll do with all my stuff. She, on the other hand, probably won't have much trouble fitting her stuff into a dorm room. Apparently the pack-rat gene didn't pass on to her.
Why do we hang onto things that no longer serve a purpose? The way I see it, there are three major reasons for keeping the stuff we don't need or use -
- Sentimental attachment
- Monetary Value
- Fear
Sentimental attachment it a tough one. You have to ask yourself how much of your past you need to hang onto. Do you really need a hundred photos from of every vacation (think about it, a mere 3 rolls of 36 prints equals 108) , or will a a few dozen really good pictures do? Must you save every doll or stuffed animal you or your children played with, or just the favorite one?
On a shelf in my parent's basement, I found a box containing all of the greeting cards they'd received on their 25th anniversary. They were so mildewed that they were toxic, sending me into a coughing, gasping fit. At the time of that anniversary, they'd chosen one card and had it beautifully framed. It hung on the wall for the next 40 years ~ the only one they needed to recall their happy memories of that day.
Sentimentality also applies to items that were gifts or handed down from people you love. If you don't really love it and use it, pass it on to somebody who will (maybe another family member who wanted it).
Releasing stuff that has monetary value proves equally difficult. It's really tough to let go of something for which you paid hard-earned cash, especially when selling it won't get you anywhere near the amount you paid for it. First, you have to admit you made a mistake - like that exercise bike that turned out to be a very expensive clothes hanger. If it's accumulating dust instead of miles you know you're not going to use it. Hang your clothes on a hook and sell the bike.
And speaking of clothes, if you don't wear something, it's just another costly item hanging around taking up space. You might try recouping some of your investment by selling good items in a consignment shop, but the bottom line is, if you don't wear it - get rid of it. This goes for all the wrong color lipstick and eye shadow, the single earrings (or anything else that comes in pairs) to which you've lost the mate, shoes that hurt your feet . . . well you get the idea. No matter how much you paid for it if you don't need or use it, pass it on.
Fear is a huge motivator for pack-rats. Items that fall into this category will tend to overlap the categories already mentioned. When you catch yourself thinking, "As soon as I get rid of this stuff, I'm going need it," you are in the clutches of fear. Just for fun, let's go back to the junk drawer. Are you really going to need that piece of broken chalk, the assorted covers that probably don't fit the assorted jars under your sink, they keys that don't unlock or start anything, or the dozens of bread bag twisties? If it is something useful that you might need in the future, I'll bet it belongs someplace else. What if you put 10 things away every day as well as releasing 10 things you don't need - the possibilities are staggering!
Fear can also rear its ugly head in the face of the previously mentioned stuff that was given or passed down to you. You fear that if you get rid of it, you will seem ungrateful or unloving. Ask yourself to whom? If the stuff is from loved ones who have passed on, find out if anybody else would like to have it - tell them you've derived some comfort having it, but now you are ready to release it to somebody who might need the same. If the giver is still with us, you can probably still get buy with releasing their gift if it's not something they expect to see every time they come to your house. Jjust make sure you don't sell it at a rummage sale they might attend.
So go ahead, find ten things every day and ask yourself, "Do I use this, need this or derive joy from this on a regular basis?" If you can't answer yes to at least one of those questions - release it. You'll be clutter free before you know it.
Wednesday, July 19
SOME - BODY TO LOVE
The evolved motivation for me to change my eating habits would be, at its highest, self love. Improving my nutrition would lower my cholesterol along with my weight and would add years to my life. I’ve been working on that for almost two years now, attacking exercise programs and reduced calorie diets with a vengeance. That lasts about as long as it takes for the first sugary dessert to sashay its way onto my plate or the sound of someone tearing open a bag of cheesy potato chips calls to me.
I am now proud to say that in the past 3 weeks I have lost 4 ½ pounds! Apparently, proud is the operative word here, or perhaps the more accurate label would be vain. Why have I been successful this time? What different circumstances came together for the magic formulation that is helping me succeed where before I have failed? Why have I been able to quell the cravings for sugary sweets and salty chips, the hunger pangs and the impulse eating? It all goes to my style of motivation.
Some people are motivated by the promise of reward – a pleasant outcome. Others are motivated by fear, or the threat of unpleasant circumstances. Many of us will vacillate between the two depending on the degree of reward or threat, or as in my current circumstance, one might find a dual motivation.
Even before both of my parents died of heart disease my cholesterol levels and increased weight were a big red warning sign for me to get in shape. Still, my recent success in maintaining a healthier diet and finally beginning to shed the uwanted pounds can only be attributed to the prospect of attending one wedding and two class reunions in the next two months, not to mention that come September and October I will be on stage for two community theater productions. My ego is craving the reward of all those compliments that go something like, “Wow! You look fabulous.” Lately, the added caveat, “for your age,” isn’t as thrilling, but that’s another story.
Oh woman, Vanity is thy name!
So, with this 1-2 combination punch of the promise of compliments and the fear of heart disease and its complications, I am winning the battle of the bulge, but November looms in the distance. The reunions will be a thing of the past (for at least another ten years). My 15 minutes in the spotlight will be but a faded memory. If reduced risk of heart disease and the promise of better health and a longer life aren’t reward enough for me, am I destined to gain back whatever weight I’ve lost?
· Clarity
· Assessment
· Necessary Change
· Designed Environments
· Outcomes
It is no coincidence that necessary change falls in the middle of my five step plan. It is the axis for continued self motivation and successful outcomes. When I reach my current goals of better health and appearance my circumstances, by necessity, will also have changed. Along with them my reasons for staying fit and healthy will change too.
For one thing, after having worked so hard to achieve my goal I will be far less likely to throw it all away. In fact I’m finding that to be true even now. I am a night-time nosher. It took some real mental gymnastics to figure out (see Assessment in Tools for Change) that my habit of eating right before I went to bed wasn’t filling up my belly as much as it was filling my need for comfort at the end of a day. Or, maybe it was filling my belly more than meeting my emotional needs. Anyway, that last yummy snack before turning out the lights was a hard habit to break even after I recognized it for what it was. Now that I’m seeing the numbers on my scale go down, I find it easier and easier to resist the urge to have “just a few chips” or “only two cookies.” at bedtime. It stands to reason that if I give in, I’ll only be gaining back the pounds and losing my success.
Another change is even simpler than that and will take very little effort on my part. It is the result of learned, habitual behavior. By November my new attitudes and actions will have replaced old ones. Again, my night-time noshing is simply a bad habit I developed over many years. In time my healthier habits will take over without even having to go through the reasoning process I'm now utilizing.
The first step of any journey is always the hardest. Once you have taken it, you’ve begun and if you just keep putting one foot after the other you can't help but reaching that half-way point, and we know there's no sense in going back once you've gotten that far. From then on your journey will an effortless, enjoyable stroll.
Here’s to your journey!
If you want to learn more about the Tools for Change, or coaching for motivation and success, visit Living Well.
Monday, July 10
HOME IS WHERE YOUR HEART GROWS
I invited some good friends to join me at my parent’s house for a final good-bye to the home my family loved. I wanted to bless the dwelling and clear the way to welcome a new family. We shared a prayer to that intention, asked for blessings and luck in the sale, with an outcome pleasing to all parties, and I said good-by.
It was harder to do than I’d expected. After all, I’ve had nine months to get used to the idea. I’ve been there, sometimes several times a week, cleaning, purging and preparing the house to go on the market. I thought I’d cried all my tears. Still, when I spoke the words aloud, releasing the house to a new family and asking that they would love and enjoy it as much as my parents, and all of their children and grandchildren have, my voice faltered and the tears coursed down my cheeks again. In my mind I'd already "left" that house, but my heart was still a few steps behind.
Afterwards, my friends and I built a small fire on the beach and waited for the full moon to rise over the lake. Each of us tried to put into words what home meant to us, and shared our memories of the homes we’d lived in and our dreams of the homes we still look forward to occupying in the future. There were vivid descriptions of the smells of baking bread or apple pies, of the current bush in the back yard and the delicious preserves a loving mother made from the fruit. The memories of dark and dusty attics on hot summer days, of the special, warm cubby- spot behind a kitchen oil stove on cold winter mornings, or cool autum nights spent on front porch steps made us all smile. A friend who’d lived in 27 homes by the time she was 27 years old shared her dream of purchasing her husband’s family farm.
We talked about becoming wives and mothers and our efforts to give our own children happy homes. We wondered at our success. What would our kids say if asked to describe the homes in which they grew up?
My parents always gave me a good, safe and nurturing home, but there was more than that. I struggled for the words. I thought that perhaps there was a sense of freedom growing up, but that wasn’t it exactly, for there were certainly rules and boundaries –my parents were quite strict in many ways. Yet, ours was the house where all the neighborhood kids felt welcome. So maybe it was a feeling of safety – not just physical safety, but the safety to be myself, to express my individuality and not only be accepted, but respected.
I finally settled for saying that no matter what house my parents lived in, and no matter how old I was, living with them or not – my parent’s home would always be my home – a place where I knew I was safe and welcome. Now it is my turn to create that same welcome and safety for my children and grandchildren. How, I wondered, can I do that?
On the drive from my parent's now empty house back to my home - now my only home, it struck me. To borrow a song lyric from Cher, “Home is where the heart grows.” I am 48 years old and in my parent’s home I’ve always felt the freedom to grow, to change, to take all those (sometimes scary) first steps on life’s journey and know that I wasn't walking alone. I felt the freedom to make mistakes, to stumble and to fall, knowing that whether I accepted help in getting back up, or stood again in my own way and in my own time, there would always be a place for me.
It’s not the house that I will miss, it’s the home my parents made – no matter where they lived.
It was harder to do than I’d expected. After all, I’ve had nine months to get used to the idea. I’ve been there, sometimes several times a week, cleaning, purging and preparing the house to go on the market. I thought I’d cried all my tears. Still, when I spoke the words aloud, releasing the house to a new family and asking that they would love and enjoy it as much as my parents, and all of their children and grandchildren have, my voice faltered and the tears coursed down my cheeks again. In my mind I'd already "left" that house, but my heart was still a few steps behind.
Afterwards, my friends and I built a small fire on the beach and waited for the full moon to rise over the lake. Each of us tried to put into words what home meant to us, and shared our memories of the homes we’d lived in and our dreams of the homes we still look forward to occupying in the future. There were vivid descriptions of the smells of baking bread or apple pies, of the current bush in the back yard and the delicious preserves a loving mother made from the fruit. The memories of dark and dusty attics on hot summer days, of the special, warm cubby- spot behind a kitchen oil stove on cold winter mornings, or cool autum nights spent on front porch steps made us all smile. A friend who’d lived in 27 homes by the time she was 27 years old shared her dream of purchasing her husband’s family farm.
We talked about becoming wives and mothers and our efforts to give our own children happy homes. We wondered at our success. What would our kids say if asked to describe the homes in which they grew up?
My parents always gave me a good, safe and nurturing home, but there was more than that. I struggled for the words. I thought that perhaps there was a sense of freedom growing up, but that wasn’t it exactly, for there were certainly rules and boundaries –my parents were quite strict in many ways. Yet, ours was the house where all the neighborhood kids felt welcome. So maybe it was a feeling of safety – not just physical safety, but the safety to be myself, to express my individuality and not only be accepted, but respected.
I finally settled for saying that no matter what house my parents lived in, and no matter how old I was, living with them or not – my parent’s home would always be my home – a place where I knew I was safe and welcome. Now it is my turn to create that same welcome and safety for my children and grandchildren. How, I wondered, can I do that?
On the drive from my parent's now empty house back to my home - now my only home, it struck me. To borrow a song lyric from Cher, “Home is where the heart grows.” I am 48 years old and in my parent’s home I’ve always felt the freedom to grow, to change, to take all those (sometimes scary) first steps on life’s journey and know that I wasn't walking alone. I felt the freedom to make mistakes, to stumble and to fall, knowing that whether I accepted help in getting back up, or stood again in my own way and in my own time, there would always be a place for me.
It’s not the house that I will miss, it’s the home my parents made – no matter where they lived.
If you have suffered profound grief that is overwhelming your life, you may be eligible for free coaching at Living Well ~ Body, Mind, Spirit
Tuesday, May 16
IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN
Spirit, inspiration, motivation. The French call it joie de vivre or joy of living. If you’ve lost it, how do you find it again?
If your doctor said you only had six months to live, what would you do? Arguably one of the most overused and misused kick-start questions in coaching (and movie plots). Living every day as if it were your last could result in unreasonable, even hurtful or dangerous behaviors.
Have you ever given thought to the opposite? How would you approach your life if you had a guarantee of living at least another 25, 50 or 60 years. It’s not unthinkable to live to be ninety. Even if you are 60, you could easily have another 25 years or more to live. Whatever the duration, would you choose to live all of those years exactly as you are living now? Would you be satisfied to say “This is what my life is – this is all there is ever going to be.”?
Take a moment to examine your life. Are you energetic and optimisitic or are you running on empty and always expecting the worse? Are you pursuing what you love to do, or are you trudging off to work (or sitting at home) mourning the lack of time and energy to do what you enjoy? Worse yet, do you absolutely hate your job? Are you really prepared to live this way for the rest of your life – no matter how long this life may end up being?
Anna Mary Robertson was born in 1860. She spent all of her life farming, first as a young girl, and then as the wife of Thomas Moses. Like many women of her time Anna was an accomplished needlework artist, but in the mid 1930’s, the liesure passtime she loved so dearly became more and more difficult because of her arthritic hands. Well into her 70’s, she could have bid her passion farewell and said This is what my life has been – all there is ever going to be. Instead she wondered if she could express her joy of living in another art form, and tried her hand at painting. Her paintings featured the things she loved, the changing seasons and the various activities of farm life—sleigh rides, quilting bees, making soap or apple butter, barn dances, and county fairs. You may have guessed by now that Anna Mary Roberston-Moses is none other than Grandma Moses.
Okay, you’re thinking, I’ve heard this one before. But, have you really payed attention? In 1930, the average life expectancy for women was 61 years. Grandma Moses was already beyond that. It would have been easy, perhaps even expected of her to just sit in her rocker and wait for a peaceful farewell. Maybe her family even discouraged, or worse, ridiculed her desire to keep expressing her joy for life when she was obviously so close to death. In a frugal, farming community was she begrudged the expense of painting supplies? What obstacles might Grandma Moses had to have overcome to keep her spirit alive? What ever they were, it’s a good thing for her she persevered – she had a lot of living left to do.
Grandma Moses wrote her autobiography in the early 1950’s (What, yet another career as a writer?) and lived another decade beyond that. Had Grandma Moses laid down her needlework and called it a day, she would have spent the next quarter of a century just passing time, and the world would never have received the gift of her paintings, a visual expression of her joie de vivre .
If your doctor said you only had six months to live, what would you do? Arguably one of the most overused and misused kick-start questions in coaching (and movie plots). Living every day as if it were your last could result in unreasonable, even hurtful or dangerous behaviors.
Have you ever given thought to the opposite? How would you approach your life if you had a guarantee of living at least another 25, 50 or 60 years. It’s not unthinkable to live to be ninety. Even if you are 60, you could easily have another 25 years or more to live. Whatever the duration, would you choose to live all of those years exactly as you are living now? Would you be satisfied to say “This is what my life is – this is all there is ever going to be.”?
Take a moment to examine your life. Are you energetic and optimisitic or are you running on empty and always expecting the worse? Are you pursuing what you love to do, or are you trudging off to work (or sitting at home) mourning the lack of time and energy to do what you enjoy? Worse yet, do you absolutely hate your job? Are you really prepared to live this way for the rest of your life – no matter how long this life may end up being?
Anna Mary Robertson was born in 1860. She spent all of her life farming, first as a young girl, and then as the wife of Thomas Moses. Like many women of her time Anna was an accomplished needlework artist, but in the mid 1930’s, the liesure passtime she loved so dearly became more and more difficult because of her arthritic hands. Well into her 70’s, she could have bid her passion farewell and said This is what my life has been – all there is ever going to be. Instead she wondered if she could express her joy of living in another art form, and tried her hand at painting. Her paintings featured the things she loved, the changing seasons and the various activities of farm life—sleigh rides, quilting bees, making soap or apple butter, barn dances, and county fairs. You may have guessed by now that Anna Mary Roberston-Moses is none other than Grandma Moses.
Okay, you’re thinking, I’ve heard this one before. But, have you really payed attention? In 1930, the average life expectancy for women was 61 years. Grandma Moses was already beyond that. It would have been easy, perhaps even expected of her to just sit in her rocker and wait for a peaceful farewell. Maybe her family even discouraged, or worse, ridiculed her desire to keep expressing her joy for life when she was obviously so close to death. In a frugal, farming community was she begrudged the expense of painting supplies? What obstacles might Grandma Moses had to have overcome to keep her spirit alive? What ever they were, it’s a good thing for her she persevered – she had a lot of living left to do.
Grandma Moses wrote her autobiography in the early 1950’s (What, yet another career as a writer?) and lived another decade beyond that. Had Grandma Moses laid down her needlework and called it a day, she would have spent the next quarter of a century just passing time, and the world would never have received the gift of her paintings, a visual expression of her joie de vivre .
If you have more time left to live than you think, how will you live it? It can be a Beautiful World.
Learn to live well and long at www.livingwellcoach.com
Tuesday, January 31
IT'S ABOUT TIME
I am re-reading a book, I Take Thee Serenity, by Daisy Newman. A bit dated (it was published in 1975) the central theme is still just as relevant and inspiring today as it was 30 years ago – the divinity of the human spirit, and the acceptance that our true happiness is found in recognizing and honoring that divinity in all mankind. Perhaps more importantly, that until we recognize it in ourselves there is no hope of finding sacredness in others.
I long for a serene spirit, but what exactly does that mean? To me it is a quiet center, an inner source of strength, wisdom and compassion. The question is how best to nurture that inner core.
I’m in the business of helping people discover what they need and how to give it to themselves, but how do I give myself serenity? Will I find it by mastering a difficult Yoga pose? Will I move closer with hours of solitary meditation? Must I remove myself to these so called higher spiritual planes to find my own direction? I tell my friends and clients to trust their instincts and listen for what their mind and body need. My instincts tell me I need to be cared for right now, yet my life doesn’t allow for a sabbatical in some remote nature retreat where all my needs are met by an unobtrusive staff (sigh).
The universal law of attraction tells me to project that which I need and I will attract the same. My life has been chaotic this past year. My personal environments reflect the chaos – cluttered, disorganized, in need of TLC. My inner and outer spaces are both in dire need of purity and simplicity. I have a choice. I can sit around contemplating my belly button for however long it takes to manifest a serene spirit that will spill over into my physical world – or – I can start making proactive, positive changes in my physical world, trusting that the spirit will follow.
My sister mentions now and again that it would be nice to have a sign from mother. Boy-howdy would it! But as with my present predicament, I think I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my computer, accomplishing virtually nothing other than feeling sorry for myself again. A friend and spirit sister called me to join her in a walk. I was tired, it was cold outside . . . cold inside. I just couldn’t get warm. “Maybe you just need to get up and do something,” she said.
. . . and there it was, a direct message from my mother. I laughed, remembering all those times she would fling open the doors in the middle of winter to get some fresh air into the house. When I complained of the cold, she told me to get up and get working and I’d be warm soon enough.
An indulgent, pampering retreat may be out of the question right now, but for about the same investment, securing an estate buyer for my parent’s house and a professional organizer for mine will go a long way toward some peace of mind – and spirit. As my dear mother was so very fond of saying, “It’s about time.”
Time to change your life?
I long for a serene spirit, but what exactly does that mean? To me it is a quiet center, an inner source of strength, wisdom and compassion. The question is how best to nurture that inner core.
I’m in the business of helping people discover what they need and how to give it to themselves, but how do I give myself serenity? Will I find it by mastering a difficult Yoga pose? Will I move closer with hours of solitary meditation? Must I remove myself to these so called higher spiritual planes to find my own direction? I tell my friends and clients to trust their instincts and listen for what their mind and body need. My instincts tell me I need to be cared for right now, yet my life doesn’t allow for a sabbatical in some remote nature retreat where all my needs are met by an unobtrusive staff (sigh).
The universal law of attraction tells me to project that which I need and I will attract the same. My life has been chaotic this past year. My personal environments reflect the chaos – cluttered, disorganized, in need of TLC. My inner and outer spaces are both in dire need of purity and simplicity. I have a choice. I can sit around contemplating my belly button for however long it takes to manifest a serene spirit that will spill over into my physical world – or – I can start making proactive, positive changes in my physical world, trusting that the spirit will follow.
My sister mentions now and again that it would be nice to have a sign from mother. Boy-howdy would it! But as with my present predicament, I think I’m not seeing the forest for the trees. A few weeks ago I was sitting at my computer, accomplishing virtually nothing other than feeling sorry for myself again. A friend and spirit sister called me to join her in a walk. I was tired, it was cold outside . . . cold inside. I just couldn’t get warm. “Maybe you just need to get up and do something,” she said.
. . . and there it was, a direct message from my mother. I laughed, remembering all those times she would fling open the doors in the middle of winter to get some fresh air into the house. When I complained of the cold, she told me to get up and get working and I’d be warm soon enough.
An indulgent, pampering retreat may be out of the question right now, but for about the same investment, securing an estate buyer for my parent’s house and a professional organizer for mine will go a long way toward some peace of mind – and spirit. As my dear mother was so very fond of saying, “It’s about time.”
Time to change your life?
Visit Living Well and discover the steps of
Clarity ~ Action - Results - Enrichment
Tuesday, January 17
THINK ABOUT IT
Where are all the articles telling men how to put themselves first? Think about it.
Recently my sister said “Men want a simple life and women complicate that.” If we’re talking simple, lets go back to the primitive brain (I always love that trip). The male and female archetypes are pretty well defined. Males protected and provided, females nurtured. Could it be possible that a man instinctively puts himself and his own well being first because without his protection and provision his family will perish? Would it not follow that a woman’s primitive instinct is to ensure her own survival by doing all she can to keep her male counterpart strong and well enough to carry out his mission? And wouldn’t she also tend to her children as an investment in the future— sons to help their father and daughters to attract additional males who will protect and provide? What a radical theory!
Fast forward a couple of million years. While our environment has changed immensely, our instincts have not. Far less focused on day to day survival, we have time on our hands. That extra time gives women — complex creatures that we are — ample opportunity to complicate our simple man’s life.
The providing and protecting thing has changed in many ways, two of them significant: (1)provision and protection now come primarily in the form of a paycheck, and (2)women can earn their own. That being the case, we want in on the luxury of being nurtured and cared for. Ah, but the nature of things hasn't changed much and no matter how far equality of the sexes has advanced, men still get the lion’s share of coddling. Why? Because men only have to keep the status quo and simply go with their natural instinct to accept care. Women on the other hand, have to resist a strong, internal current that sweeps them up in caring for others.
The solution? Men need a challenge. For those primitive guys, the contest was staying alive. For our guys, one has to be more creative — but still simple. Formulas usually work well. Like capturing the king in a chess game or carrying the football to a touchdown, the challenge for men is in figuring out the best course of action and taking it.
Woman's desired outcome—half-hour massage once a week.
Price of a half-hour massage at the day spa —$60.
Significant other’s hourly wage —$20.
Significant other’s investment — deduct the equivalent of 3 hours of his wages from the family income or
Invest 1/2 hour once a week spent massaging the woman he loves.
As you can see, the woman in this scenario is following her nurturing instinct by providing the man with a purposeful challenge. The solution he chooses really doesn’t matter (except maybe to him). What matters is that, either way, the woman gets her massage. Repeat — either way the woman gets her massage.
Okay, maybe I’m being a little facetious here, but try to appreciate the male logic of it all. Men desire a specific outcome, they figure out the best way to obtain it and take action accordingly (notice it’s formulaic again). If you want a man to provide for your needs formulate a plan in which the outcome has an impact in his world. Try to avoid formulas that cross over into algebra or calculus. Remember, men just want life to be simple.
Recently my sister said “Men want a simple life and women complicate that.” If we’re talking simple, lets go back to the primitive brain (I always love that trip). The male and female archetypes are pretty well defined. Males protected and provided, females nurtured. Could it be possible that a man instinctively puts himself and his own well being first because without his protection and provision his family will perish? Would it not follow that a woman’s primitive instinct is to ensure her own survival by doing all she can to keep her male counterpart strong and well enough to carry out his mission? And wouldn’t she also tend to her children as an investment in the future— sons to help their father and daughters to attract additional males who will protect and provide? What a radical theory!
Fast forward a couple of million years. While our environment has changed immensely, our instincts have not. Far less focused on day to day survival, we have time on our hands. That extra time gives women — complex creatures that we are — ample opportunity to complicate our simple man’s life.
The providing and protecting thing has changed in many ways, two of them significant: (1)provision and protection now come primarily in the form of a paycheck, and (2)women can earn their own. That being the case, we want in on the luxury of being nurtured and cared for. Ah, but the nature of things hasn't changed much and no matter how far equality of the sexes has advanced, men still get the lion’s share of coddling. Why? Because men only have to keep the status quo and simply go with their natural instinct to accept care. Women on the other hand, have to resist a strong, internal current that sweeps them up in caring for others.
The solution? Men need a challenge. For those primitive guys, the contest was staying alive. For our guys, one has to be more creative — but still simple. Formulas usually work well. Like capturing the king in a chess game or carrying the football to a touchdown, the challenge for men is in figuring out the best course of action and taking it.
Woman's desired outcome—half-hour massage once a week.
Price of a half-hour massage at the day spa —$60.
Significant other’s hourly wage —$20.
Significant other’s investment — deduct the equivalent of 3 hours of his wages from the family income or
Invest 1/2 hour once a week spent massaging the woman he loves.
*note the words with emotional tags --- deduct or invest?
Giving him the freedom to make his own choice — brilliant.
Giving him the freedom to make his own choice — brilliant.
As you can see, the woman in this scenario is following her nurturing instinct by providing the man with a purposeful challenge. The solution he chooses really doesn’t matter (except maybe to him). What matters is that, either way, the woman gets her massage. Repeat — either way the woman gets her massage.
Okay, maybe I’m being a little facetious here, but try to appreciate the male logic of it all. Men desire a specific outcome, they figure out the best way to obtain it and take action accordingly (notice it’s formulaic again). If you want a man to provide for your needs formulate a plan in which the outcome has an impact in his world. Try to avoid formulas that cross over into algebra or calculus. Remember, men just want life to be simple.
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