RECRAFT YOUR LIFE

You can be anything you want to be.

Whether mother, teacher or just good friend, how often have you given that encouragement to others? Of course you believe it because you know it to be true. But do you believe it when it comes to your life? Can you really be anything you want to be, do anything you want to do? Or do you believe that your circumstances limit you?

As a child, my favorite game was playing pretend. I could be a singer on stage, an astronaut in space, a super heroine, a beauty queen, doctor, or housewife – all in one day! Let yourself go, play pretend and imagine your wildest dreams come true. You are the star in your movie. What do you see?

The happy things you imagine, the scenario of your perfect life, is all about feeling and not so much about doing. Often times that becomes painfully apparent when we achieve a goal or dream, and it’s not at all what we thought it would be. Such as the time I landed the job of after-school tutor. I thought I would be working one on one with students, expanding their young minds, helping them learn and improving their academic performance. It turned out to be an over paid baby sitting job. It didn’t feel the way I wanted it to feel.

So the question to ask yourself is, “How do I want to feel?”

If a 30 something woman with children at home and a full time job tells me she dreams of being a ballerina, I would be either a fool or a cheat to tell her that with coaching, she could make her dream come true. The questions I would ask are how she sees herself as a ballerina, how would she feel and what most appeals to her about that life.

Suppose she says that as a ballerina she would appear tall and willowy in light, airy clothing of pastels soft prints. We would go to work on achieving that image – or as close to it as we can get.

Perhaps she tells me that on stage she would feel appreciated because of the immediate feedback an audience gives, and a sense of satisfaction at providing their entertainment. Can she create those feelings by joining a local theater group, or starting her own dance troupe to perform at community venues?

Finally she tells me that what appeals to her most is the self focus required in a ballerina’s life. I might suspect that she is feeling a little tapped out from all the caretaking in her own busy life and suggest she make time to attend adult dance classes at least one hour a week.

The very first lesson I learned in beginning art was that artists never make mistakes; they only make changes to their design. Art is all about the way it makes you feel, the emotions it reflects to those viewing it. In crafting your life, be open to changes along the way and stay focused on the overall feel of your picture.

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* SAY IT * SEE IT * FEEL IT * BE IT *

Your mind is a marvelous thing, even if there is only 10% usage (a fact never proven). We do know that the brain is control central – it regulates all physical function of the body. Yet we perceive the brain as much more than that. It is the origin of our thoughts.

Your brain never stops churning out thoughts; it interprets everything you see and attaches language to the sights. Even when you sleep your brain keeps right on thinking, and it provides its own images.Obviously, sight and thought are closely linked. Ronny Milsap once appeared on a talk show with his son. At the time, the son fit the image of teenage rebellion, with outlandish hair and body piercing. Asked if he was aware of his son’s appearance, Milsap answered that he’d been told. “How do you feel about that?” the host pressed.

I certainly don’t remember Milsap's exact quote, but the upshot was that since blindness prevented him from seeing his son, he based his opinion on his son's character and behavior, not what his son wore or how he styled his hair. He blieved his son was a pretty good kid. Probably the best example ever presented of being able to “see” past appearances.

What we see influences what we think, but can it work the other way around? What we think influences what we see? We all have negative self-talk, those labels that were given to us in childhood, or that we assigned to ourselves as results of failures.

• I have no talent
• I talk too loud, too much, too long
• I’m too quiet, shy, stuffy
• I’m too dumb for that job
• I’m not pretty/handsome enough
• I always do the wrong thing
• I never win
• What’s the use
• Who cares

These are generic negative statements, and each of us have many more specific to our lives. Repeated in thought or word, they become our mantras and repeated often enough, they become our truths. These self limiting, negative truths put blinders over our eyes. Once we’ve convinced our minds our vision seldom sees beyond these limits; we seldom sees the vista of new possibilities.

You can change that by changing your self talk. Start to take note of the negative statements you repeat, out loud or in thought. Words to watch for are never, always and too. Keep a list (it will grow in the beginning) and for every negative statement that limits your potential, write a positive opposite. Replace I always do the wrong thing, with I make smart choices and decisions. Write your positive statement several times, fill a page or several pages. Say it out loud while you write.

This multidisciplinary method uses auditory, visual and kinesthetic senses to reinforce thought patterns; say it, see it, feel it, be it. Try it – it works!

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A SAD CASE OF THE BLUES

Autumn is a bittersweet time of year for me. Vibrant colors radiate from turning leaves which I fancy to be little storehouses of energy releasing their cache of summer sunlight. There is a bite in the cool air. Morning mists are seasoned with the spicy scent from dried leaves of maple, oak and fern. Like a suitor that triggers a touch point deep within my soul, I am lured into the season's embrace.

If I could choose any season to linger the longest, it would be autumn. In my world it is fleeting - a true blaze of glory lasting six glorious weeks from the end of August until mid-October.
A blanket of snow covered my deck this morning and even though it will melt, I am reminded that the embrace will soon turn cold and hard. If I could chose any season to be the shortest it would be winter. In my world, Winter is the guest that overstays his welcome - from early November well into April.

My dislike of winter is purely physical. I become lethargic and sleepy. I truly think that my body wants to hibernate and I am convinced that if I could - at the very least - hole up in a well stocked cabin with a huge fireplace and a store of wood, a soft bed and a down comforter, I would be happy. Instead I am sad, or more precisely, I believe I suffer with S.A.D. - Seasonal Affective Disorder.

My cure of choice would be a one-way ticket to the Greek Isles, but being firmly ensconced in the sandwich generation makes that unlikely for a few more years. Instead I have a six-point plan of action to help alleviate the symptoms of light deprivation by addressing the seasonal short circuit to the circadian rhythms (internal body clock).

*Maintain a regular sleep schedule, waking and retiring at the same time.
*A minimum of 15 minutes of natural light exposure every day.
*Use full spectrum lighting in office or work area.
*Plug a bedroom lamp with a low watt bulb into a timer, to turn on 20 – 30 minutes before wake time, simulating early dawn.
*A minimum of 30 minutes of outdoor activity every day.

Along with these six methods that have proven successful in research trials, I add two wholly unscientific treatments that address the sense of hearing and the sense of smell.

*Listen to nature sounds on compact disc. Look for sounds of summer like moving water, chirping birds, and wind chimes.

*Use air fresheners, simmering oils or incense that reminds you of summer.

And if anybody out there comes across one that smells like a newly mown lawn, let me know where to buy it.

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WE'VE GOT SPIRIT ~ YES WE DO!

A professional colleague and I shared a typical Wonder Woman reaction this week. A new business initiative has greatly increased her work load. Between family responsibilities, work, and pursuing the purpose that fulfills her, she expressed some mild resentment at spending some of her “best hours” at a football game. As I emailed her, telling her I'd done and felt exactly the same just the night before, a truth emerged. It came to me in the recollection of a picture taken when my now 23 year old daughter was in first grade.

It was at a school performance of some sort, just one in long playbill that spanned her K – 12 years. Every time I look at that picture, taken by my mother because I couldn't miss work that day, I feel a pang of remorse – regret that comes from having missed something essential to my spirit.

All busy women have to divide their time, allocating appropriate amounts for everybody and everything. When we get too caught up in the math and the mechanics of all this scheduling, we can lose sight of what is most important to us. In the years to come, the hours I spent at the high school football game will have shrunk to just moments in my life – memorable moments. When I recall ll my 15 year old daughter's dazzling smile throughout her first night as a varsity football cheerleader ( a picture forever in my memory rather than a photograph taken by my mother because I couldn't be there) it will warm my heart and lift my spirit.

Whether you have children or not, whether your passion is your work or a hobby, you risk losing sight of your spirit in the duty of everyday tasks. You can find yourself grousing over something that would normally give you joy – like spending time with someone you love – because there's just too much to do right now. Later, when things settle down would be a better time. Remember that old cliché, Life is what happens when your making other plans? Things never settle down. We have to stop running in that little hamster wheel, take a deep breath and be fully present.

Honoring your spirit is a two-fold process. First, learn to recognize the pursuits, activities and people that make you soar. Discover what gives you purpose and passion; it very likely won't be just one thing. My children, husband, family and friends give me joy and enrich my life. The work I have chosen gives me a sense of purpose and I am passionate about many causes. Taking time for any of these things keeps my spirit alive and well.

Second, once you know what nurtures your spirit, be open to every opportunity that presents itself. It isn't always easy when demands are pressing in. Every time you find yourself resenting something that takes your time, do an internal check – ask yourself if this is something you would normally enjoy. Seek out those small vignettes in the larger picture of your life and remember to live in the moment – a moment that keeps you connected to your spirit.

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MINDFUL MATTERS

Mind over matter – you've all heard that one before. How about You can achieve anything if you want it badly enough. And don't forget, We use less than 10% of our brain's capacity. Now that poses a question. What exactly is the difference between the brain and the mind?

Well, for starters, the brain is an organ in your body. It operates “control central” directing all of your body's functions. It can be seen and touched – it is tangible. The mind, however, is intangible and may best be described as the interpretive center. What exactly does it interpret? Your mind receives information that comes to you though your five senses. It then processes this information outputting language that you understand.

Making lasting changes in your life often means making changes in your perception (vision) and your language. “How exactly do I do that?” you may be wondering.

Let's look at a model we all understand – the forest for the trees. What exactly does that mean? If you are standing in the thick of the forest with brambles and bushes all around you, so heavy that you can't even see a foot ahead of you, you are seeing some trees and the dense undergrowth, but you are not seeing the forest. Somebody who has made their way through the overgrowth of brush and trees to stand on a mountainside above the tree line, sees the forest, the valley beyond, the river or shoreline, and the vast sky above.

How does that apply to personal development? In the thick of your particular challenge, obstacle or pursuit of a goal, expanding your vision so you can observe from a different perspective will open up a myriad of new possibilities for meeting your challenges, overcoming your obstacles and achieving your goals. Possibilities you were unable to see inside the forest.

How does language fit into all of this? Language is our means of communication, but not just with others. It is our tool for making sense of what we see or perceive – to ourselves. The right language can help you communicate your vision not only to others, though that is helpful, but to yourself. Once you come to understand the language of personal growth, what you are attempting will make sense to your own logical thought processes. If it doesn't make sense to you, how can you achieve it?

Let's look at why language developed in the first place. Early along our journey to civilization the undeniable urge to share what was previously only thought inside our minds, developed into the ability to speak. Thus evolved the creation of languages in order to communicate new concepts to one another. The very act of acquiring and sharing new information proves to be a powerful catalyst in the progression of mankind on earth, after all what one thing has fueled the onward march of civilization to the same extent as the pursuit of knowledge? It drove the Stone and Iron Ages, the Industrial Boom and the Technology Surge. It is the very stuff of the information age.

With acquired and shared knowledge we've traveled far beyond the mastery of fulfilling basic needs and meeting our desires for comfort and prosperity. In this new millennium man/womankind turns to a quest for understanding our own nature, seeking deeper philosophical truths, and endeavoring to unravel metaphysical mysteries. As we evolve in these higher levels of personal knowledge, we come closer to a life of fulfillment. And language is the key to expressing, sharing and understanding this knowledge of life purpose, just as it has been the key to all previous knowledge.

A baby can feel hunger and will learn what makes the feeling subside, but until the baby develops language she does not understand that she is hungry. It's true she can get her need met before she has the language to say “I'm hungry,” but you can see how much more efficient the process is when she has the right language. First of all, she herself understands that the feeling in her body means she is hungry (the language having traveled the lines of internal communication). Further, she can say that she is hungry so others understand her need. Now it becomes really beautiful. Because others understand her need for nourishment, they will also understand any actions she takes to meet that need.

Once you learn the language of personal development, having perceived your intent and processed it along the lines of internal communication, your mind will understand what you have to do to get what you want. With such clarity you will be able to take purposeful action to make desired changes in your life. Further, you will be able to share that knowledge with others and they will know why you are making changes to your behavior or lifestyle. So it isn't necessarily mind over matter as much as it is bringing your mind to an understanding of what matters to you for personal growth.

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YES, YOU CAN HAVE A SECOND SERVING

The long recognized food pyramid is in the news again. Researchers on the cutting edge of human nutrition are urging the FDA to rethink the recommended daily servings of proteins, carbohydrates and essential fats. According to one source the base of this overhauled pyramid should be, not a food group, but exercise. Imagine that – a recommended daily serving of physical activity. Second helpings are definitely allowed.

Most of us know that for health and fitness we should all work into every day, a minimum of 30 – 45 minutes of moderate physical activity that includes at least 20 minutes of cardiovascular conditioning. But as a daily serving on our nutritional plate? I never thought of it that way. The paradigm shift gives me a new perspective.

The last few months have been busy for me. Of late, I've become my own worst client, working long hours at my computer without breaks. Lunch is whatever I can hold in one hand while pecking away at the keyboard with the other. Even my healthier choices in finger food are missing one-half of the lunch break equation – the break.

“Coach, motivate thyself.” I am resolving to take at least 30 minutes for lunch every day, but I'm going to nourish myself in those minutes with my daily serving of physical activity. As long as the weather holds I will take a brisk walk – stepping away from my computer, away from my desk and out of my office. While I'm walking and breathing in fresh air, I'll drink a full 12 ounce bottle of water. Later, I can still eat my in-hand lunch while I work with renewed energy and less stress.

Still thinking you absolutely cannot get away from your desk for 30 minutes? Or maybe you can find the time, but you must choose either exercise or lunch because in your job you can't work and eat at the same time; you don't even have one free hand. Then keep thinking of exercise as part of the food pyramid, and like food groups, endeavor to accumulate your 30 minutes in 10 minute increments during the day. After all, you don't eat all of your food in one meal, do you?

As a health and wellness coach should I be advocating eating at your desk or breaking up your daily workout? Shouldn't I be encouraging readers and clients to take a liesurely lunch break for their own wellbeing (or even for proper digestion sake)? Shouldn't I remind them that 10 minute increments of exercise don't encompass that important 20 minutes of sustained cardiovascular conditioning? Let's face it, when it comes to crunch time on a big project or deadline, even the most conscientious of us are going to lapse into old habits that compromise our ideal nutritional and fitness goals. Finding ways to meet both objectives at some level is what balance is all about. Or as they say, "It's better than nothing."

So until I make it through the crunch time of current business demands, I will adjust my ideal fitness regime rather than abandoned it all together. If you find yourself in similar circumstances, why not join me? Email me at judith@livingwellcoach.com and Ill send you the "recipes" for a half-dozen healthy and nutritional, at-your-desk meals . . . but no cheating! You can only eat at your desk after you partake of your recommended daily exercise serving.

Women Who Care

Whether by instinct or instillment the average woman's capacity for meeting the needs of those around her is wondrous to behold; so much so that often it seems our own contentment is found in the very act of nururing others. Yet in the flurry of all this caring . . . and doing . . . and fixing, we too often neglect our own need for a healthy body, mind and spirit, diminishing our own wellbeing in the process.

Neglecting our own needs in favor of caring for others greatly increases the level of stress in our lives. It is estimated that 75 - 90 percent of all visits to primary care physicians are for stress related problems, and women's rate of death due to heart disease (the number 1 health problem now linked to stress) equals that of men. We've come a long way, haven't we baby? From believing that we could have it all, to finding out that some of it we didn't want.

Statistics from a recent global stress research study show that increased stress is felt worldwide, and stress affects women differently than men. A recent Roper Starch Worldwide survey of 30,000 people between the ages of 13 and 65, in 30 countries showed:

• Women who work full time and have children under the age of 13 report the greatest stress worldwide
  Nearly one in four mothers who work full-time and have children under the age of 13 feel stress almost every day.
• Globally, 23% of women executives and professionals, and 19% of their male peers, say the feel “super stressed”.
• Numerous common health problems that are linked to stress include:
  The leading 6 causes of death in the U.S. -- heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.
• Immune response and deficiency.
• Memory loss.
• Obesity

Women have always been the nurturers of the world, the healers of humanity and the teachers of new generations. Like the concentric rings from a pebble tossed into still water, one act of caring generates another, and you are at the center, the well from which others draw. Women who care must first care for themselves. You must cherish and honor your own wellbeing. Take time to replenish your own resources ~ draw from the well.

Integrating the steps of Self C.A.R.E into your daily living will result in a sense of joy, a feeling of fulfillment and the gift of wellbeing. Before you can take care of the world, you must first take care of yourself, and remember ~ selfish is not a four letter word.
Make sure you'll be there when they need you; give yourself and your loved ones the gift of Living Well today.

MOtiVatE YOURSELF

Waiting for inspiration can be a lot light waiting for lightning to strike in the next county . . . if you're still stuck in your same old spot back home.
 
Many of the people I coach start by telling me, they just can't do it any more. It can be any number of things –going to work, doing the laundry, raising teenagers, living alone. It can be encapsulated into one precise statement – live my life this way. “I just can't live my life this way any more ,” is what they're really saying. The logical answer for these clients would be to change their life. As a coach I have the tools to help them do just that.
 
Sometimes, though, they are in such a funk they can barely force themselves to get out of bed each day. They complain of being exhausted, unmotivated, drained. “I just don't feel like it,” is their excuse when they haven't followed through with an agreed upon coaching plan. "I want to do it . . .it makes sense . . .I think it would work . . . if I ever felt like it."
 
I ask them, “What if you never feel like it? Are you going to lay around in your jammies for the rest of your life?”
 
This is usually followed by stunned silence that eventually ends with, “I never thought of it that way,” or something similar. I'm still waiting for somebody to tell me, “Yes, that's what I want to do,” because as a coach it would become my job to help them formulate a successful plan for a life in pajamas.
 
At lunch last week, some friends and colleagues were enthusiastically discussing the mind-body connection and emotional intelligence. We expounded on the benefits of just going through the motions, moving the body according to plan until the mind catches up and starts to feel like doing it – whatever it might be, and how there are so many people who don't see the wisdom in this phenomenal connection.
 
Being the baby-boomer, self analyzing, introspective inner children we are, we were practically giddy over the thought that no matter how profound your grief or depression, no matter the reasons that got you there, the quickest way out is by moving – actual physical movement of any kind.
 
With us that day was a wise woman well into her 80th decade. I noticed that she seemed to be amused by our animated chatter and almost cultist conviction to a concept that I realized came naturally to the women of her generation. Whatever the problem at hand, there was work to be done, laundry to be washed, meals to be cooked, children to be raised. It mattered very little whether one felt like doing it or not; they just did.
 
Certainly women then were somewhat disenfranchised of the freedoms and rights we have today and while I wouldn't endorse returning to those Father Knows Best days, there are a few things we can learn in looking back.
 
“I didn't have time to worry about whether or not I was happy,” my mother says. “I just did what had to be done and most times the problems took care of themselves.” My mother didn't know about things like adrenaline, endorphins and seratonin. She hadn't a clue that chemical reactions in the brain and hormonal secretions in her body could make her feel anything, good or bad. She did know that when she was angry she could clean her house from top to bottom in half the normal time, and when she was done she felt better. When my sister or I complained of menstrual cramps she knew that scrubbing the kitchen floor would take our minds off the pain and we'd forget all about it. She knew that worrying too much about anything only led to more problems. Probably most memorable to us all is that our mothers knew hard work was the sure cure for malaise.
 
“If you're bored, I'll give you something to do,” they told us, when we moped around the house. Suddenly, we were filled with a spirit of industriousness that had been so elusive only moments before.
 
So when my clients ask me, what they can do when they don't feel like doing anything, I tell them to first have a thorough physical checkup by a medical professional to rule out any underlying illness or clinical depression. Once they have a clean bill of health, I tell them to buy into Nike and . . .

Just do it!
 

Recraft Your Life and Reclaim Your Spirit.

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LISTEN TO YOUR INNER CUES

In teaching yoga classes, I often instruct my students to listen to their body for the inner cues; when to begin a pose, if and when to move deeper into a pose, and when to come out of the pose. We talk quite a bit too, about taking the practice of yoga off the mat and applying it to every day life. I remind them to use breath work to dial down tension and relieve fatigue, to align their posture and use strong muscles in daily tasks, and to quiet their minds and turn their focus inward for relaxation at the end of the day. But how does listening for an inner cue apply beyond the yoga mat?

With the rising cost of insurance, the escalating number of uninsured and the increase of stress related disease in America, we all have to begin taking a more active role in staying healthy. The more in tune we become to the subtle signals of our bodies, and the more we heed these cues, the closer we come to achieving wellbeing, or homeostasis – the state in which all functions and areas of the body are performing at an optimal level. Without homeostasis we are experiencing some level of disease.

Look closely at the word disease. Likely it conjures up all manner of uncomfortable reactions; cancer is a disease, diabetes is a disease, and let's not forget heart disease, lung disease . . . the dreaded list goes on.

If you break the word down into it's syllables you get dis – ease. Suddenly, some of the gruesome power of the word is diminished. In this context, it becomes understandable that all major and life threatening diseases begin with a simple dis – ease of the body. If we can fine tune our listening to pick up on those first cues, we can take the steps necessary to stop the progression to more serious and sometimes fatal conditions. How often do we wait until it's too late, before we listen to our bodies?

Consider the possibility that when we refuse to listen, our bodies force us to take notice. Consider further that perhaps this doesn't always manifest in disease. Take the case of a young woman I know quite well, working four different part time jobs trying to get ahead, and struggling to maintain a challenging relationship on her already over-booked schedule. Little ailments began presenting, and with too many jobs but no health insurance, medical bills only put more weight on her already burdened shoulders. Friend's cautioned her to slow down, doctors urged her to take it easy, recommending yoga or other mind-body practice to control her stress. She maintained that she could handle it, that she had no other choice.

And then she crushed her finger in a work accident and all four jobs came to a screeching halt. After reconstructive surgery and with a pin protruding from the finger tip, she can't handle much of anything right now.

Take a moment to think of your own persistent aches and pains. A client of mine describes playing tug of war with her partner for the last 24 years. Is it any wonder her physical complaints include neck and shoulder pain?
Is back pain plaguing you? What burden are you carrying that perhaps needs to be put down, or at least shared by another? Recurring bouts of laryngitis or other throat or mouth ailments? What words are you choking back that need to be spoken out loud?

In the April, 2004 edition of Prevention Magazine, Joan Borysenko, PhD, relates the story of her serious skin rash that turned out to be a dysfunction of her immune system. Reasoning that the skin and immune system are boundaries separating us from the outside world and defending against invaders, she decided to examine her emotional and behavioral boundaries. “A friend called me a human buffet – for inviting everyone to come in and have a bite,” she says in her article, Listen To Your Body. “The rash was an intuitive neon sign that said, close the buffet line or risk serious physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual illness.”

I don't suggest that we all throw away our doctor's phone numbers and start diagnosing and treating ourselves. Like Dr. Borysenko, I strongly recommend that you always seek appropriate medical advice. It's just not as simple as making the mind-body connection between what ails you and what's going on in your life. Even if you do listen to your cues and make the right connection, you'll likely still need medical help in many cases. But sharpening your intuition and answering your body's call can be a valuable tool in your arsenal to fight dis-ease and achieve health and wellbeing in body, mind and spirit.

Don't wait until your body forces you to listen; until you are already ravaged by disease.  Listen to your inner cues and you'll be well on your way to staying healthy, wealthy and wise.

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find Out What It Means To You

How do you communicate your need for respect? When I was younger, my father did it with authority; we knew the consequences of dishonesty, smart-mouthing (as he called it), or outright defiance. “Go to your room, you are grounded!”

Before you can put your need for respect out there, though, you must decide exactly what respect is. There are some generalizations like politeness and protocol. Beyond that, each individual's needs differ . . . and change with circumstances and time. Exploring your own boundaries and knowing what is and is not acceptable to you is the first step. Then, you can begin the work of effectively communicating what respect means to you and just how you intend to make it a requirement of any relationship.
The question to ask yourself is, do I expect, demand or require respect?

Is there a difference? You bet! You can expect to receive all the respect you want to , it won't ensure that others comply. Likewise, you can demand it with raised voice or angry belligerance, or tears followed by the silent treatment. These and many other manipulative stategies may intimidate others (for the short term) to fall into line. Or, you can require respect much in the way my father did, by following through with consequences – unpleasant ones. Hey, if they weren't unpleasant, what would be the incentive. Stop what you're thinking! If like/love and caring were enough, then you'd already be getting the respect you want and we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Ah, but I don't have the authority in every situation., you might think. What if it's my boss that's disin' me?

Of course we have to be careful when unpleasant consequences could be returned to us; for example we could find ourselves looking for a new job. However, the formula for communicating and getting the respect you want is pretty much the same in all situations.

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

1. Explain Once
2. Remind Once
3. Follow Through

EXPLAIN ONCE ~ Be clear and concise about what you expect. “Your persistent habit of berating waitresses embarrasses me. Please don't do it when I am with you.” Avoid arguments that could be intended to confuse the point you are making. Your focus is not the rude behavior, why it is or isn't wrong, whether the behavior is justified by poor service on the part of the waitress, nor whether your dining partner should try to change his or her behavior. The only point is that it makes you uncomfortable and you are asking that it not take place in your presence. On the chance that there is room for negotiation, just be sure to come to an agreement that you both clearly understand.

REMIND ONCE ~ “I mentioned this before, and asked if you could refrain from such behavior in my company as it makes me extremely uncomfortable. If you do it again, I will leave and not return. No matter where we are, whom we might be with, or how much it may embarrass you.” Again, be prepared to avoid any argument that might start with a challenge that sounds something like, "Your a big talker."

FOLLOW THROUGH ~ Be prepared for the situation to repeat, because as yet there have been no unpleasant consequences. Have cab fair if you'll need it. Mentally walk through the steps of excusing yourself, leaving the table, leaving the restaurant, getting in your car or hailing a cab and leaving. It's okay to imagine dumping the pitcher of water over his/her head, just don't do it real life.

In the above scenario your dining partner is left there, likely dumbfounded, but knowing that you are more than just a big talker. Without the follow through you can expect or demand respect, but you cannot require it as a condition of the relationship.
An important aspect to remember is that you must mean what you say. Do not make hasty nor empty threats. If you do, when you fail to follow through on them you are teaching others that in reality there is no need to respect you.

And what of the possibility that ill consequences could be returned to you? You'll have to consider all of those carefully before you decide what you require. Clearly you wouldn't challenge a man brandishing a gun and demanding money, even though he is disrespecting your basic right to go unaccosted. You wouldn't challenge somebody, even a loved one, whom you suspect might harm you physically.

Think about your boundaries and your requirements for repspect before any situations arise. If you are still taken by surprise, resist the urge to say something before you think it through. You don't necessarily have to state you requirements for respect at the time, you can bring it up later. "Remember when you were giving the waitress a hard time in the restaurant last night . . . "

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You deserve it.

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GIVE ME A BREAK!

Sleeping and resting are not one and the same.Many people sleep at least the recommended 8 hours, but fail to achieve restful sleep. And even when we can manage to get a good night's slumber, if we fail to rest our minds during the day we still feel just as fatigued as if we haven't slept a wink. One of the most difficult tasks I face with many of my clients is convincing them that without proper rest, both physical and mental, they are just chasing their tails and getting nowhere fast.

"But I don't have time. I'm running a business, raising my kids, caring for my family and trying to keep my marriage alive." So when, or more to the point how do you ever get a break?

The answer is as simple as can be . . . and as difficult as you make it. You'll get a break when you decide to take one. Think about the traditional work situation. Your employer likely allows for two short breaks, morning and afternoon, each day. The time is allotted for your benefit, but your employer doesn't enforce it. Too bad, because studies show that regular breaks which include moderate physical movement (like walking or stretching) improves the ability to concentrate, relives feelings of fatigue, and increases overall production at work.

A Sense of Entitlement
Chances are that when you're at work you take very break to which you are entitled. When you think about it, you're employer is paying you for those breaks that don't require “punching-out”. If anything, she has a right to expect work for the time paid (thank goodness for labor laws and contract negotiations). Conversely, our time at home, with family or with friends, is not being paid at all and yet we feel no sense of being entitled to take a break. Most women are givers rather than takers. When we fail to take time for ourselves we risk giving until there is nothing left . . . and then everybody goes without. Give yourself a break so that you may continue to give to others. Caring women must first learn to care for themselves.

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Everybody has the same 24-hours in a day. If you want to design a life that makes the most of your time, visit Living Well and test-drive a free coaching session. When you email the coach, just mention that you want to make the most of your 24 hours.

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Are You A WonderWoman
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FINDING LOST SPIRIT

Often when we suffer a loss from which it seems especially difficult to recover, it is our spirit that escapes us; that essence within – unseen, indescribable, but fully recognized in absence. We feel somewhat like Peter Pan without his shadow. If only we could find it and somehow “sew” it back on.

Devastating loss can carry with it a residue of guilt. What did I do to cause the loss? A more insidious kind of guilt comes from feeling we have no right to be happy again in the wake of such dire circumstances. We douse even the tiniest spark of joy, feeling that it is inappropriate or disrespectful. Danger lurks in this kind of guilt becoming so ingrained that we numb our feelings all together. Life seems flat and one dimensional. All the color is missing.

You can reclaim your spirit. The first step is a complete medical check-up. Countless dis-eases of the body can result in feelings of apathy, listlessness, fatigue, or depression. Once any underlying health concerns are ruled out or treated, you can formulate an action plan to rediscover your spirit.

Begin by recalling three times in your life when you experienced flow. That is, when you felt 100% in the moment and everything seemed to be working to your advantage. Life was good. Now ask yourself what was the common denominator of these three experiences.

For me, performing before a live audience, the first time my writing was ever published and teaching (writing workshops, fitness classes or Sunday school) are the times I experienced flow. It might seem I crave a captive audience, but with some introspection I discovered my satisfaction came in giving people what they want, and maybe don't know they need.
Writing, however, was different from the immediate contact afforded by my other examples, and in recognizing this, I realized the “audience” feedback was an important factor. While my writing often solicits responses too, they are not as immediate.

From there, the decision to become a life coach was a no brainer. Now it's my job to give people what they want, and I get the satisfaction of communicating one on one or to groups that feedback on the spot.

Becoming and working as a coach has been my personal path for reclaiming my spirit, recovering a sense of purpose and learning to enjoy life again after a profound loss.

The first step in the Self C.A.R.E © program is finding Clarity. In the search for your elusive spirit, begin with a journey through your past. The second step is learning to take only the action which is Authentic to your purpose. This will carry you forward to your passion and the rediscovery of your elusive spirit.

With Positve Action Plans You Can Recraft Your Life and Reclaim Your Spirit

To find out more about Coaching and Profound Loss visit Living Well

NOURISH YOUR GOOD HEALTH

The South Beach Diet, Atkins, The Fat Flush, low carb, no carb, fat free . . .

HELP ME!

There is so much conflicting information on diet and nutrition I wonder if anybody else out there, like me, is wishing medical science would just come up with a pill that could provide complete nutrition and eliminate any sensation of hunger. Oh, that's right, they've tried haven't they?

Wait a minute. I like to eat. I like the smell, taste and texture of good food. I even like to prepare food and cook meals from simple to elegant. A magic pill would take away all the fun.

So what's a women to do? First, lets look at the word “diet”. The dictionary primarily defines diet as what a person or animal usually eats and drinks. The root of the word lies in the Greek, diaita, which translates as way of life. Further definitions include a special or limited selection of food chosen or prescribed to promote health, or a gain or loss of weight. This falls in the arena of medically purposed diets prescribed by physician or nutritionists.

It wasn't until our obsession with achieving perfectly slim, Barbie doll proportions, that we pigeon-holed the word diet to describe a restrictive intake of food meant to reduce weight. The problem with these weight loss diets is that most of them often restrict certain food groups while encouraging gluttonous consumption of others. In the person of average health with no underlying medical conditions**, such as diabetes, heart disease, lactose intolerance, or food allergies, there is no sound reason to eliminate any food group.

Protein
Carbohydrates
Fats

That's all there is. Every natural food substance on earth falls into one of these three categories. The human body is designed to process and utilize food in its natural state. Think of primitive man, oops – I mean woman, hunting and foraging for food. What do you suppose was most abundant? Plant food. If it grows – it's a carbohydrate. The hunter/gathers had greens, they had, fruits, they had berries, nuts, seeds and grains. All unprocessed, naturally abundant food.

They had protien too. If it has a face – it's protein; meat, fish, poultry. Protien was not abundantly available. Okay, it was there, but it had to be hunted trapped or caught. This wasn't always a successful endeavor, so our primitive ancestors ate far more plants life than animal protein. Their fat usually came by the way of animals, or in certain nuts, seeds, and grains. There was no butter or cheese for our ancestors. Which brings me to eggs and dairy. All dairy products are processed from milk which comes from a cow, which has a face. Eggs come from chickens (at least most of the eggs we eat do) and chickens have faces. Eggs and dairy products are most closely recognized as protein by our bodies, but they have a high fat content as well.

So, if we take nutrition back to our earliest ancestors they partook of protein occasionally, more complex carbohydrates by way of plants and whole grains, and fat and sugar only as it occurred naturally in their other foods. Like a 2-cycle engine needs exactly the right ratio of oil to gasoline for optimum performance, so our bodies require the proper ratios of nutrients for optimum health and wellness, and that ratio was naturally occurring for our early ancestors.

Fast forward a couple million years and it is estimated that the typical American now consumes an average of betweem 25 and 60 pounds of sugar (or like sweeteners) in a year! Not to mention fats in oil and butter, and sodium added to processed foods and sprinkled profusely at the table. A simple rule of thumb; the more processed and packaged a food is, the more calories, sweeteners, sodium and preservatives (chemicals) it brings into your body.

Limits Set By Nature
Keep your choices as close to nature as you can – fresh, whole foods – and you won't have to think about “dieting”. But what about portions? Remember those plastic picnic plates that were divided into three sections? One section was ½ the plate and the other half was again divided into two sections. The big section is for meat, right? WRONG! In the proper ratio, the big section should hold your complex carbohydrate – most vegetables other than corn, potatoes and carrots.

One of the two smaller sections is for your protein – meat, fish, poultry, eggs or dairy other than butter and cheese. Butter and cheese aren't off limits, just don't eat more than a tablespoon of butter/fat (salad dressing, oils etc), or 3 oz. of cheese in a serving.

The last smaller section is for simple carbohydrates, fruit, potatoes, rice corn, carrots, bread and any sugary foods. And when it comes to sugary food, watch out for the one-two punch of sugar and flour. Too many sweets like bakery goods pack a wallop of fat and calories that will pack extra pounds on you.

Using the imagery of your three section plate as a guide, you can structure each meal in just the right combination. Whether the plate is small or large, the percentage of proportions comes out right. You can have seconds in either of the smaller sections of your plate, as long as you also have seconds of the large section – complex carbs like salad and dark green veggies. Chances are you can't eat that much.

Following this common sense eating plan, along with moderate activity, should help you maintain your desired weight. If your goal is to lose weight, food choices from each group should be low in fat and sugar. There are good “diets” out there. Armed with the right information about nutrition, you can find one that works for you.

**Many medical conditions and/or diseases require carefully monitored diets as prescribed by your health care provider or nutrtionist. Those listed represent only a few such conditions. Always check with your physician before changing your diet or exercise plan.

Need Help Setting and Keeping Your Nutrition Goals
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Home Is Where You Find Yourself

Billy Joel sang, "They tell you you can't sleep alone in a strange place, then they tell you you can't sleep with somebody else. Sooner or later you sleep in your own space; either way it's okay -- you wake up with yourself." In her book, Imagine a Woman In Love With Herself, author Patricia Lynn Reilly has a slightly more esoteric concept. She suggests this mantra for meditation; "Breathing in . . . I come home to myself; breathing out . . . home is always waiting." And, of course, we all know that little Dorothy had the power to return home all along.
We tend to think of home as a structure, four walls and roof wherein we can lie our weary head, if not every night, then at least most nights. A place to call our own. A place where comfort and security welcome us through the door, protecting us from the stress, harshness, and danger we sometimes find in the big, outside world.

An acquaintance recently told me she'd lived in one house her entire life, having acquired her childhood home from her parents soon after she was married at a young age. I couldn't imagine. Counting apartments, I myself have lived in seven homes over four decades; the last three racked up in an 18-month period of upheaval. Much in the way I assume my Gypsy ancestors felt, I found out that home can be a place within myself, rather that any walls and roof that may shelter me. A place that no matter how far afield I may wander, I can always return to at the end of the day.

I don't mean to sound cavalier, or somehow ungrateful for the warm and comfortable dwellings I have lived in. I have always treasured my home, delighting in making each one a place for life, for love, and to nurture not only children and family, but anyone who should enter therein.I personally love to decorate -- redecorate -- and redecorate again, embodying the concept of making it my own, making it a place of comfort for all who live there. Don't we all do that to some extent? Change the paint color, hang new curtains, add a picture here, a plant there; nesting. If the way in which we appoint our surroundings is an extension of self, then the better we know ourselves, the closer we are to finding a permanent home no matter where we might actually live. "I come home to myself; home is always waiting."

Often, when we venture outside of the house we live in, we wear masks that enable us to facilitate our lives; to co-exist peaceably with family, friends, and neighbors; to meet the social norm; to get along and fit in. Yet we must take care to never allow these many masks to obscure our true selves. What, then, is the true self? Core values (your understanding of right and wrong, good and evil), moral and ethical boundaries (how far over the line will you step if you believe the end result is justified?), and the character of your spirit (kind and generous, positive and hopeful, or the opposites). Only in deeply exploring and knowing this true self are we able to return to it at any time -- to dwell within it at all times.

Once we know ourselves once we are at home with who we really are, then we can carry that home with us wherever we may roam; like a wise old turtle. And just as the turtle's shell protects it from enemies and other dangers, knowing your true self will protect you from the slings and arrows of life. Staying firmly rooted in your core values ensures that the choices you make on a daily basis, your interaction with, and reactions to the people you encounter, will still be an accurate reflection of your true character, no matter which mask ( if any) you may choose to wear. As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." Once you can accomplish this, you will always be home.

Are you looking for direction in your life? Are you ready to come home to yourself? Try a free coaching session for health and wellness of mind, body and spirit. Visit

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