I’m finally regaining my footing after my mother’s death sent me reeling. It was a double whammy for me. I knew I would miss her, but I had no idea I would be paralyzed with sorrow. I then chastised myself for the unexpected depth and duration of my grief, telling myself to buck up - get over it.
For the past 10 years I’d kept reminding myself that my mother was 75, she was 80, she was 85 . . . it could happen any day. But every day, I saw such a vital and vigorous woman – a picture that didn’t fit my words.
In the last five years I saw her through a few periods of ill health, cancer scares that turned out to be flare-ups of her infrequent digestive maladies. Each time, sitting in doctors' exam rooms with her, telling myself “This could be it,” I thought I was preparing myself for the eventuality. I even preached as much to my brother and sister. “You have to be ready for this. You can’t stick your head in the sand.”
And then it happened. No warning, no lengthy period of feeling unwell, building up to feared doctor visits and the diagnosis. One day she was with us, so alive, laughing and loving us all. The next day, she was gone. Undetected heart disease – a massive heart attack, followed by two days in intensive care. Five minutes after my brother made it to the hospital, she left us.
I lost my oldest brother to Lukemia when I was 17. I’ve lost more close friends than seems right at the age of 47. I’m not a stranger to death. My mother would have been 88 on 27th of this May. She had a long, good life marked by a circle of friends both young and old. She would have stuck around until she was well past 100 if she could have, but if she had to go, she wanted it to be quick and painless. I kept telling myself this, and couldn’t understand why it didn’t help to ease my grief.
Then in reading the glut of Mother's Day articles, one made it all so easy to understand. Our mothers are the person we shared a body with, shared a heartbeat with for nine months. She is the one person in the entire world who, barring any dysfunction, loves us unconditionally with no exceptions. She is the one person we can always count on, no matter how many times we may have disappointed her. She is the one we know will be the proudest of our accomplishments - big or small, hands down.
I suddenly realized how much I’d truly lost. No matter how old I was, how established in my own life, no matter that I might be beyond needing a mother and whether or not I knew that some day she would be gone and I should be prepared. I've lost the one person in the world who gave me what no other can. She gave me life and she kept nurturing that life until the moment of her last breath.
Thank you to those who sent your condolences. It was a comfort and helped toward my still progressing recovery. I can get through a day without crying now – sometimes two or three before something reminds me of Mom, before I reach for the phone to tell her . . . what I could never say enough times.
I love you Mom. I miss you. Thank you for loving me.
Sunday, June 5
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
Just about everywhere you turn today you can see, hear or read advice about honoring your spirit, about making a soul connection. Great minds have wrestled over exactly what your spirit or soul is. Some believe it is that intangible essence that sets us apart from all other life on this planet, while others believe that life itself is indicative of the existence of a spirit – many cultures, both ancient and contemporary speak of the spirit of animals, plantss, water and rocks.
What if we think of the nature of these things? It is in a squirrel's nature to gather food (it would seem mostly from my bird feeders!). It is in a river's nature to flow from its source to its mouth. It is the nature of plants and trees to grow toward the sunlight, and it a rock's nature to be still. As humans, though, our unique individuality accounts for as many different interpretations of what is in our nature as there are stars in the sky.
How then, do you honor your own spirit and connect to your soul?
Have you ever become oblivious to the passage of time - so wrapped up in what you're doing that several hours can pass in seeming minutes? If yes, more than likely you were engaged in some pastime or activity that enabled your thoughts, emotions and perceptions to transcend the ordinary, to take you out of your mind and into your spirit. You are connected by fulfilling what it is your nature to do.
Often as we try to find our place in the middle years, we find ourselves rethinking our own nature. What if the years of being daughter, wife and mother took us along different paths than we would have chosen if left to our own natural instincts? Sometimes we feel our nature to be so deeply buried it seems impossible to unearth it. It’s there. You only need follow the clues.
Start by making a list of the things that comfort and restore you; the activities that take your mind away from everyday concerns, like walking along the shoreline or watching the sun rise or set. Maybe drawing, painting, or other creative work soothes you. Perhaps vigorous hiking or rock climbing lets you leave the world behind. Whatever transports you to those moments of flow, does so by tapping into your spirit.
What if sipping a cup of your favorite tea in your just-cleaned kitchen comforts and satisfies you? How is that a clue to your nature? Well it depends on what is most satisfying? Do you relish your moment in solitude, or is it better if you’ve invited a friend to join you? Are you more comfortable because you feel a sense of accomplishment having finished your tasks, or because the space you’re in is clutter free? The answers to these questions may tell you that you are a solitary creature or a social butterfly, an industrious worker-bee or a minimalist by nature. The more you can identify patterns in the details of what comforts you, the more you can incorporate those aspects into all areas of your life.
When you were a little girl you invited your best friend to come out and play by doing the things you knew she would enjoy. This summer, remember what it was like to be a little girl, and invite your spirit to come and play with you.
What if we think of the nature of these things? It is in a squirrel's nature to gather food (it would seem mostly from my bird feeders!). It is in a river's nature to flow from its source to its mouth. It is the nature of plants and trees to grow toward the sunlight, and it a rock's nature to be still. As humans, though, our unique individuality accounts for as many different interpretations of what is in our nature as there are stars in the sky.
How then, do you honor your own spirit and connect to your soul?
Have you ever become oblivious to the passage of time - so wrapped up in what you're doing that several hours can pass in seeming minutes? If yes, more than likely you were engaged in some pastime or activity that enabled your thoughts, emotions and perceptions to transcend the ordinary, to take you out of your mind and into your spirit. You are connected by fulfilling what it is your nature to do.
Often as we try to find our place in the middle years, we find ourselves rethinking our own nature. What if the years of being daughter, wife and mother took us along different paths than we would have chosen if left to our own natural instincts? Sometimes we feel our nature to be so deeply buried it seems impossible to unearth it. It’s there. You only need follow the clues.
Start by making a list of the things that comfort and restore you; the activities that take your mind away from everyday concerns, like walking along the shoreline or watching the sun rise or set. Maybe drawing, painting, or other creative work soothes you. Perhaps vigorous hiking or rock climbing lets you leave the world behind. Whatever transports you to those moments of flow, does so by tapping into your spirit.
What if sipping a cup of your favorite tea in your just-cleaned kitchen comforts and satisfies you? How is that a clue to your nature? Well it depends on what is most satisfying? Do you relish your moment in solitude, or is it better if you’ve invited a friend to join you? Are you more comfortable because you feel a sense of accomplishment having finished your tasks, or because the space you’re in is clutter free? The answers to these questions may tell you that you are a solitary creature or a social butterfly, an industrious worker-bee or a minimalist by nature. The more you can identify patterns in the details of what comforts you, the more you can incorporate those aspects into all areas of your life.
When you were a little girl you invited your best friend to come out and play by doing the things you knew she would enjoy. This summer, remember what it was like to be a little girl, and invite your spirit to come and play with you.
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